DH thinks I’m not suited to having children

[Summersway]

I’m late 20s, DH mid 30s. Together 5 years. Part of me has always wanted a child, the other part not so sure. I’ll go through periods of feeling desperately broody and wanting to TTC, to feeling unsure as to whether having DC is a good idea at all. We have a nice lifestyle and part of me would really miss it, on the other hand I can’t imagine a future without children. I’m very indecisive in general so this is normal for me. When we had our most recent conversation about TTC, DH said he wants me to be 100% sure it’s what I want first, as I change my mind.

This lead on to a conversation where he expressed concerns that I might struggle adjusting/regret having DC due to the way I am. Admittedly I’m selfish, easily stressed, a worrier, impatient and generally someone who (without meaning to) seems to create a lot of drama in their own life as a result of getting stressed/worrying over things not going the way I planned them. I try my best to work on these things, but in a way they make up the person I am and it’s hard to change.

AIBU in thinking surely there are lots of people with similar sort of traits who have had DC, managed to adjust and are genuinely happy? I fear if I waited until I’m “100% sure” as DH suggests, I may never have DC at all!

Hi OP

I think no one is ever really sure as it's so unknown. I know people who were sure they wanted to be a SAHP then went back to work and the other way round. You dont know how you're going to feel physically or mentally. Also while a lot of people dont regret it as such, it is normal to miss your pre baby lifestyle

In my opinion it's the people who are sure they are going to love the whole thing that struggle more. Just saying you dont need to be so black and white about it as it's not a black and white issue. Just a thought!

I’m impatient, careerist, selfish, easily stressed and didn’t want a child at all until I was 40 — and having a child has not fundamentally changed me — but none of that precludes me being a good mother.

There isn’t a specific type of person who becomes a parent. You certainly don’t need to have been cooing decisively over prams since childhood.

I agree with pp suggesting that he is laying the groundwork for leaving all the parenting responsibility to you.
If you date to ask him to share or pull his weight, he will be able to say he told you so.
Not good.

Like many PP, I was ambivalent- I couldn't imagine a future without kids but also didn't ever feel broody or have a strong emotional desire for them. I decided to just see what happened and went on to have 2 (at 35 and 37, now aged 2 and 3); it's hard but I have no regrets and can't imagine life without them though do miss lie ins and personal space!

I definitely wouldn't let your personality put you off- as you say all sorts of people have kids. But you also have plenty of time so no need to feel rushed into a decision if you're not ready.

Reading your update OP, perhaps you both just need more time to decide, and to really talk about the practicalities and nitty gritty of how things might work, what might change. but you can't know for sure so the unknown can be a worry in itself.

How much drama do you bring to your life?! Actual problems with money or jobs are you being dramatic by saying you bring drama?!! IYSWIM :)

I suppose also, we have to allow that your DH might actually feel really upset about you changing your mind about TTC, not that he thinks it was wrong but that he was disappointed too, so also wants to protect his own feelings as well as make the right decision.

Take some time I reckon and try to do things to feel more settled in yourself. Address anxiety etc. it'll be worth it.

re other posts - it is also projecting to say that "people said I would be a bad mum and I am not, so therefore I am positive you won't be either"

Its not helpful.

You have plenty of time to work out if being a parent is right for you. Lots of us are self centred before kids, why wouldn't you be if you don't have dependents relying on you? Each child is different so being a parent you might not necessarily have the same experience as someone else. I have always wanted children and am lucky to have two but have made sacrifices along the way that I am ok with.

So he didn't actually say any of that about you then? He is just unsure about ttc as you've gone to before and changed your mind?

If so that's totally different from your OP, which is pretty dramatic. Do you normally run yourself down and over analyse yourself?

Are you me? I could have written your post word for word. I’m actually pregnant (deliberately got pregnant, not accidentally) and I’ve had quite a few moments of “oh god, what have I done!” But it’s done now and I know logically things will be ok and I will still enjoy my life. So no help, other than to say your aren’t alone with these kind of thoughts.

'Children are not children for very long and babies are only babies for about a year. It all passes very quickly.'

Yes, I wish there was a way to show the people who mither about how much work it will be that it's only really hard work for a year or two. Sometimes I leave DS playing with his little trains while I have a cup of tea and read a book and think wow, I feel like myself again. You have to get up a bit earlier but it takes some real commitment to lie ins to not have children because you like them.

Wow, it always amazes me how good some mumsnetters are at mind reading. There is no way of ‘knowing’ what the OPs partner is thinking from the info given in the OP. He may be genuinely concerned that the OP isn’t suited to have a child or he may be not be.

OP, I don’t know how anyone knows whether they are going to enjoy being a parent or not. I know being a parent is incredible but it’s also stressful, tiring and hard.

Wow! I’m impressed, he doesn’t want children but it is trying to make you believe YOU are the problem? You are not capable? Your personality is not adequate?

What other parts of your life is he making you feel inadequate for? You create a lot of drama? Why? Because you disagree with him or feel disappointed or short changed with what he does or doesn’t?

You will be wondering if it was the right decision at any struggle you face from the moment you get pregnant to the day you die, but you will also find yourself totally convinced that despite the struggles your child is the best thing of your life.

As for being selfish... I only know two mums who were selfish to the point it worried me how they would cope with kids, neither wanted kids, neither was good at stoping and considering the needs of other people or their partners’. Both are now very child centred despite busy ambitious careers, the selfishness has extended to cover their kids... you don’t mess with those kids’ best interests without getting in serious trouble with their mums!

Who made him the boss of you? It’s not for him to decide what you should or shouldn’t do ever, not in anything and particularly not when it comes to your body. What if the next thing he decides is that you are too easily stressed to leave the house on your own or too flaky to go to work?

Of course as a putative father he is entitled to an opinion on your potential family and if he doesn’t want kids, that’s fair enough and he can say so. You can then decide together how to proceed but to tell you that you aren’t suitable because of his perception of some fairly minor character ‘flaws’ sounds patronising, paternalistic and controlling.

He sounds a lot like DDs Ex who was a few years older than her. That was fine when they got together because she was fresh out of uni, he was her senior in their profession and she was willing to defer to his greater knowledge and experience. As she progressed and ‘caught up’ with him in terms of qualifications, professional status and life experience he became very controlling - which is why he’s an ex.

If you share his concerns you can get some counselling to work on those issues before the baby comes, but for what it’s worth I used to be a worrier and a planner who got stressed when things didn’t go my way. A few years of counselling, unexpected life turns + dealing with babies and toddlers who didn’t follow my manual suit cured me of that and I am fairly laid back now.

I think you might regret having them with him 🤷

Your list of negative traits - who came up with them - you or him

Yeah that's what I would be wondering. It's not an ideal set of traits for having children, that is true. It is an ideal list of traits to make your (younger) partner believe she has if you want to always be able to have the final say. So maybe you aren't suited to having kids OP - or maybe you're just not suited to having kids with your OH.

You sound identical to me 23 years ago !!! I felt exactly the same. I have two fine young men aged 22 and 20 and never regretted it.

Op how would you feel if your GP told you tomorrow “I’m very sorry Summersway but you’ll never be able to have children” ? Sometimes it seems clearer if we look at it as not being a choice open to us. Would you feel relief that you didn’t have to make the decision or would it be a matter of great sorrow?

Unless you are 100% certain you want children then I honestly think you shouldn't have them.

You may or may not regret it if you don't have any but much better to regret not having a child than regret having one. Also don't believe the rubbish spouted that once your baby is here you will never regret having them because many women do

"on the other hand I can’t imagine a future without children"

I think there lies your answer. You clearly want to be a good mum and remember no-one is a perfect mum. Like PP I wonder if your DH has doubts about his own parenting potential.

Yes, I wish there was a way to show the people who mither about how much work it will be that it's only really hard work for a year or two. Sometimes I leave DS playing with his little trains while I have a cup of tea and read a book and think wow, I feel like myself again. You have to get up a bit earlier but it takes some real commitment to lie ins to not have children because you like them.

My two are 8 and 7. I work part time to take care of them after school. I ferry them to activities every evening, which cost a fortune. We're limited to school holidays and non-activity days to do things. This coming weekend DS has a show so we have to drive him to the theater and home again three times a day both days, for rehearsals and performances. Last weekend was the school sponsored walk.

I do feel like myself again, finally, but my life is most certainly not my own! I don't resent it in the least, mind you, I'm just pointing out another side of it.

Everything from the way you worded your O,P to the later updates were about creating bloody drama. You should have mentioned the conversation in your OP that you had with him - the one where you have decided to TTC and then backed out. And that the list of negative traits were not brought up by him, but are your own insecurities.

Honestly from your conduct on this thread and your need for drama - I'd suggest waiting to TTC. You don't seem mature enough if this threads anything to go by.

He has always said he’d like to have DC, but we have been through periods were we’ve agreed to TTC, then I’ve changed my mind, so I think this time around he’s a bit more cautious to agree.

Sound like he is worried about putting pressure on you and may well be upset about you changing your mind. I've met broody men - a lot of DH male work colleagues when we had pfb.

I wonder if he is worried he’ll be blamed if you get pg and it’s not easy or you change your mind about being a mother.

I do know people who hate being a mother – most just fell into it or didn’t want children but were talked round by family and DP.

It did make me stronger – less worried about what others thought- but did mean massive changes to our lifestyle.

It is however a leap of faith – how you react how pg and birth go the child you get – personality and health – how your DP reacts to changes. These are hard to be completely certain about.

If you can’t imagine a future without children then there’s your answer. The questions you need to ask yourself are about your husband, your relationship and why he is saying these things.

I left an eleven year relationship because of this issue. He kept stalling and being noncommittal or just downright awful about my wanting children. I now have three beautiful children and a lovely family life. I have never regretted it for a single second.

Put yourself first

You've explained exactly how I was in my 20's. I genuinely never wanted children. The joke was I'd buy an expensive handbag over having a kid.

However, now I'm older (nearly 33) I have completely changed my perspective on children. I can't wait to have one.

I love all the nice things in life and it will be an adjustment when a baby arrives but it'll also be filled with so much love and pleasure.

I would simply sit tight and wait a bit. Women are having children much older these days so why rush.

There's never a perfect time to have children. Once you do, you get on with it and have far less time for navel-gazing.

You can't imagine a future without children, so that's clear. Does he really want children - and all they entail? Not just as a distant notion?

How are the two of you going to split the domestic and WOH workloads? Have this conversation.

He may be worried about you being unhappy infuture. It is possible to regret having children but it is common to discover to your surprise that they are the most amazing thing ever.

It does sound a bit like he's worried he'll have to do more parenting than he wants to in future, if you find yourself feeling lukewarm about the exeprience. What are his expectations? What are yours?

Some people (many I've seen on here) take the view that mothers are the default parent, on call 24/7 and dads just 'help' sometimes. Others of us think that working hours are one thing, evenings and wekeends another - when parenting, family and personal leisure time should be split equally. Those are wildly different positions and expectations, often deep-rooted and often don't emerge until parenthood is upon you. It would be a really good idea to have that conversation now.

I went through the same thought before having children, although i knew I wanted one (just wasn’t sure I should). My boys are now 3&6 and I will admit, I do sometime struggle and I have needed a bit of counselling g etc to help. I also decided to leave my career, as I struggled with the balance (always expected to continue working at the level I was). Saying that, though, with a few adjustments, I would not change a thing, and I actually feel that having the boys has made me work harder to be more relaxed and to generally be a nicer person to be around.