DH thinks I’m not suited to having children

[Summersway]

I’m late 20s, DH mid 30s. Together 5 years. Part of me has always wanted a child, the other part not so sure. I’ll go through periods of feeling desperately broody and wanting to TTC, to feeling unsure as to whether having DC is a good idea at all. We have a nice lifestyle and part of me would really miss it, on the other hand I can’t imagine a future without children. I’m very indecisive in general so this is normal for me. When we had our most recent conversation about TTC, DH said he wants me to be 100% sure it’s what I want first, as I change my mind.

This lead on to a conversation where he expressed concerns that I might struggle adjusting/regret having DC due to the way I am. Admittedly I’m selfish, easily stressed, a worrier, impatient and generally someone who (without meaning to) seems to create a lot of drama in their own life as a result of getting stressed/worrying over things not going the way I planned them. I try my best to work on these things, but in a way they make up the person I am and it’s hard to change.

AIBU in thinking surely there are lots of people with similar sort of traits who have had DC, managed to adjust and are genuinely happy? I fear if I waited until I’m “100% sure” as DH suggests, I may never have DC at all!

Does he want children because it looks like he doesn't?

Watch this

It's from Friends. The character Ross is dating Julie but has always held a torch for Rachel who he learns now feels the same way.
Ross is still torn between her and Julie. Chandler tries to help him out with choosing one of Rachel and Julie by printing a list of flaws each of them have from his new computer. Ross lists every flaw he could think of Rachel - describing her as "spoiled, ditzy, too into her looks, and just a waitress" - but when he comes to Julie, all he can manage is: "She's not Rachel".

The moral of the story is that if you do love someone you dont go around making lists of their flaws because you know - its not nice for the reasons Rachel gives.

As we don't know you or your DH I don't know how any of us can say with any certainty what the situation is or suggest what you should do.

He may be gaslighting you and making you doubt yourself. Making you seem too unstable/ unsuited to having children, when the reality is you are a mix of positive and negative, like all of us. It may be really cruel what he's doing.

Or he may be gently pointing out something that has a grain of truth in it. Not all of us are suited to having children and there are certainly people who have them who shouldn't. A child deserves the very best from the adults in their life. A conscious decision to have a child should include an honest evaluation of what you as parents could offer that child.

I would want to explore these issues in psychotherapy. I think that would potentially give the answers you need, because both scenarios are possible (plus others) and you need to know what you're dealing with. I don't think we can tell you.

OP, I can see that it must be disappointing for your DH if you keep changing your mind on TTC. Regarding your issues, I would advise getting some counselling now before you TTC, as it will help with your anxiety. I wasn't diagnosed until after my marriage breakdown, but I had suffered for years without realising that is what it was.

I was never broody, never craved a child, but at 35yo left it up to fate to decide and did get pregnant. I love that child more than anything,, but yes it has been hard work, especially since XH left when she was 4.

So I would say, get some counselling and go for it, but please don't mess your DH around and keep changing your mind.

Wow that’s nice of him. I’ve been lucky my DH has always supported me even though like you I wanted DC one min and not the next.
I’m due any minute & we have discussed that I’ll need time to myself, more so than most. We’ve agreed simple things like taking the dogs out on my own for an hour once DH is home from work. I’m so excited for this baby but not naive on how it’ll impact me & my life so we have agreed to just support each other, keep talking and take time out when we need it.
I wasn’t ready to stop being selfish until I got to 30. X

It’s a hard decision to make and I don’t think anyone’s 100% sure when they ttc their first child. I remember taking the pregnancy test and seeing it was positive, I felt excited but also scared about how much my life would change. Life did change a awful lot, more than I thought it would, although I love my kids I do often wonder what life would have been like if I decided not to have kids.

As for the bad traits? Your dh is being a twat, we all have bad traits, we learn to control them when we have kids and some bad traits can come in handy.

Going against the grain I don't think he is being harsh. My mum told me I'm not suited to having kids and I wholeheartedly agree with her! But that's easy for me to say as I don't want them.

If you recognise those traits in yourself and you aren't sure, it sounds like he's being realistic more than anything. Some people do regret having kids.

What is your DP's attitude to things in general if they don't quite go as planned? Is he an 'Oh well, we'll cope' sort of person or does he get stuck on the minor details?

DH's attitude was 'I expect we'll muddle through' when I realised I was pregnant about 2 weeks into a new job and increased mortgage.

We have, sort of. At least, DS came home from university at the weekend and said that having seen some of his friends' situations, he's glad he has us for parents... which is faint praise, but I'll take it!

But
I wish there was a way to show the people who mither about how much work it will be that it's only really hard work for a year or two.
Oh god no. DS is disabled and is still pretty dependent on us at not far off your own age, OP.

So he's putting all the blame on you for the 'indecisiveness' - and he's 100% decided?

HE HAS ALWAYS WANTED CHILDREN AND SHE KEEPS CHANGING HER MIND ON HIM AFTER SAYING YES, LET'S TTC.

He said this time she's going through the "to ttc or not to ttc, that is the question?" moment, he wants her to be sure because he doesn't want her to regret her decision and struggle with that... after which she wrote the title "DH thinks I'm not suited to having children"...

Just read your updates - in that case if I were you I would think about
a couple of things. First of all therapy - have you ever looked into the origins of your issues? I mean, what was your upbringing like, what's your relationship with your mother like? Your father? If it was difficult in any way then just be aware that things that you thought were over and done with can come back and bite you in the bum big time once you have kids. Parents who you thought had mellowed with age can come back full on batshit for the arrival of grandchildren, and if your own childhood was unhappy, having kids can trigger a lot of difficult emotions when your kids reach the age when you were having trouble yourself.

The other thing I would do if I were you is to try and spend some time around someone else's kid. If you have friends with babies or toddlers, hang out with them, hang out with the kid, babysit if they'll let you, that'll give you an idea of what it's like. Or volunteer for like the Scouts or a school holiday project or something like that. It would give you a feel for what it's like day to day.

I don't think there's anything all that much wrong with changing your mind about TTC - I mean, unless you'd actually TTC and then changed your mind - try and be sure you're happy before you actually commit the act! You're also young, you must be aware of that, it's not now or never.

You sound exactly like me OP and I have 2 kids. Some days are very hard and stressful, but both my kids are happy and healthy and I wouldn't change a thing for the world.

Thanks everyone. I apologise if the original post was misleading, it wasn’t my intention, which is why I followed up with a further post to clarify. Some really helpful advice which is appreciated :)

TBH OP I was exactly like you. And I struggled enormously. 3 years on and I still don't really like motherhood, having to be "on" all the time, not getting the stuff done that I want to if my DC is around. I love my kid but I think I'll be happier in general when she's 6 or 7.

For a lot of people selfishness doesn't actually apply to their own children as the children become an extension of themselves.

When your children are happy you are. When they are sad you feel awful. You would rush into a burning building to save them and if there was a famine give them the last of your food.

If anything the trait of selfishness manifests itself differently post kids. Basically becoming so intent on making your own child happy that you forget to take into account the needs of other people, like their classmates or the general public.

Obviously still something to watch out for.

I think he is being wise. Before having children I was the most chill out person. I am not exaggerating. I was stoic to the point of apathy. I would have given an order of medical nuns a run for their money. Buthavingchildren has turned me into a nervous wreck, I am barely functional. You can’t know how having children might affect you meanwhile it is the children that will suffer most if you change for the worse. It’s alright for me because I wanted my children. I took a balanced decision to do it and now I live with it. Certainly never any regret. But if I was on the fence about having them I can imagine that would make things much harder for me. Regardless of what your character is like, no one should have children unless they are sure that they want them.

I'm a massive worrier, too, OP, and suffer from low self-esteem as a result of my own traumatic childhood. I was very afraid that I wouldn't male a good mum. But I knew from the start that my DH wanted DC and in reality so did I so we went for it. Only for it not to happen; I was infertile.

I went through one unsuccessful IVF attempt (no eggs), then went through the adoption process. There's nothing like having to deal with social workers' questions to make you think through whether you would make a good parent. By the time we were successful and we had our 2 DDs, I'd fought so hard to have them, and all the doubt had gone. Despite having one DD with SEN and other adoption related issues, I can honestly say that I have no regrets.

If I'd known at the beginning what the whole process would be like, then I probably wouldn't have thought I'd be able to cope with it.

The negatives you describe are very similar to how I am, particularly the anxiety. The only question you need to answer really is, do you yourself want to have DC? If you do, then you will should go for it. None of the negative traits you've described mean that you wouldn't make a good mum, if that's what you want out of life.

He sounds a bit patronising! I'm sure you would adapt to motherhood fine. Agree with other advice to see a councillor to chat through your feelings, it can give a lot of clarity.

Hanging out with other people's kids would have put me off having my own!

I think you'd find you'd transfer your anxiety into worrying about your child. Other behaviours and tendencies likewise would be channelled into your children. I think that happens for almost everyone. It's not a bad thing.

I’m selfish, easily stressed, a worrier, impatient and generally someone who (without meaning to) seems to create a lot of drama in their own life as a result of getting stressed/worrying over things not going the way I planned them. I try my best to work on these things, but in a way they make up the person I am and it’s hard to change.

Surprised some people are defending the DH.

Am I the only one who thinks these sound like the words of someone who has become so inured to criticism she's internalised it?

@awomanwhogetsthingsdone

But her DH didn't say that. She did. It's in the subsequent posts. She wrote the list of negative traits about herself. The DH does want to conceive but she has previously ok'ed it and then changed her mind. Hence why he really wanted to know if she wants to TTC properly.

The only thing she is internalising are her own self doubts. Which is why people have stuck up for her husband being vilified, because its not the correct account.

I know a girl who was a super anxious over thinker prior to kids. Now she’s got 2 babies under 2 and is so much calmer and happier.

Nobody knows how motherhood will affect them.

talk about undermining your confidence!

You dont need to be mother earth to be a perfectly adequate parent.

Not once has the OP ever acknowledged that this might be hard for her DH - not just the fact that he has always wanted children and then she keeps changing her mind and getting stressed and (in her words) "dramatic" over it but also the challenges of having a partner who is (again in her words that she specifically says come from her and not him)... "selfish, easily stressed, a worrier, impatient "

If, in any of her posts, she had said "poor DH is a saint for putting up with me, poor him as I'm not easy to live with" etc. etc. then I would be on higher alert for red flags that this is someone who has been gaslit by the DH and his constant criticisms... however, so far, she doesn't seem to much care what her DH really feels and has said he "thinks I'm not suited to having children", which seems like it could be a little unfair given her later expansion on what that conversation was actually about.