DH thinks I’m not suited to having children

[Summersway]

I’m late 20s, DH mid 30s. Together 5 years. Part of me has always wanted a child, the other part not so sure. I’ll go through periods of feeling desperately broody and wanting to TTC, to feeling unsure as to whether having DC is a good idea at all. We have a nice lifestyle and part of me would really miss it, on the other hand I can’t imagine a future without children. I’m very indecisive in general so this is normal for me. When we had our most recent conversation about TTC, DH said he wants me to be 100% sure it’s what I want first, as I change my mind.

This lead on to a conversation where he expressed concerns that I might struggle adjusting/regret having DC due to the way I am. Admittedly I’m selfish, easily stressed, a worrier, impatient and generally someone who (without meaning to) seems to create a lot of drama in their own life as a result of getting stressed/worrying over things not going the way I planned them. I try my best to work on these things, but in a way they make up the person I am and it’s hard to change.

AIBU in thinking surely there are lots of people with similar sort of traits who have had DC, managed to adjust and are genuinely happy? I fear if I waited until I’m “100% sure” as DH suggests, I may never have DC at all!

I don’t think anybody actually knows how they will cope until the time comes, tbh. PND can strike anywhere. Super-calm people can become over-anxious about the baby; other people who used to stress the small stuff may find they come into their own.

Yup. I was worried as I like my own company, hyper-focus on tasks, and hate being distracted. Thought I would struggle having to give my time to my child. Turned out to be completely soppy and maternal, and will quite happily turn all my attention to them if they need me. But, then again, I do have the most amazing kids ever.

OP you list your own shortcomings - what are his?

There's no such thing as the perfect parent, we're all flawed.

From BlackberryBeret

"The moral of the story is that if you do love someone you dont go around making lists of their flaws because you know - its not nice for the reasons Rachel gives"

How do you feel about the negative comments that been posted about your husband ? I found it concerning you ignored them.

Some people would have said I'd be a shit parent due to my upbringing. Turns out I'm fabulous .

But her DH didn't say that. She did. It's in the subsequent posts. She wrote the list of negative traits about herself.

Yes, that's my whole point, @NoEntryIntoTheMind.

the list of traits came from me. DH was focussing more on the fact that I’m so indecisive and doesn’t want me to regret the decision. He has always said he’d like to have DC, but we have been through periods were we’ve agreed to TTC, then I’ve changed my mind, so I think this time around he’s a bit more cautious to agree.

Yet ppl have labelled your DH as mean, horrible and everything else.

If a man posted saying what you did, he'd be told his DW was right to raise concerns about him being cut out to be a dad, especially if he kept changing his mind when you TTC. He'd be told who wants a 'selfish twat' as the father of their child.

In fact, he would be called abusive for changing his mind when you got your hopes up for a baby.

I'm not saying you're not cut out to be a mum...but you have doubts about it...so I 100% feel he is right to say what he did. Unfortunately, the standard on MN is to flame a man.

There's a few balanced posts on your thread...but the majority have jumped to crucify him.

I'm now sure how many times you've changed your mind, but if my DH had done that, I wouldn't have stuck around...and the MN brigade would say...stop wasting my fertile years on a man who keeps dangling the carrot and doesn't want kids. They'd be right too

I was properly self indulgent before I got pg (at 22). Having a baby soon knocks that out of you, there’s no time for any of that shit.

I don't think your DH has actually done anything wrong but is simply making sure you think it through carefully before making such a life changing decision.

I did know 100% that I wanted a child and it was the right time, and so do lots of people which is why they start trying. I understand what he means about regretting it, you may TTC on a broody week, become pregnant and then fall back to "I wish we never", he sounds like he is just worried about you and making sure you will be ok when it does happen

I think if you are changing your mind so often, maybe you should leave it a little longer and see how you feel, you still have a little time to see if anything changes to a more consistent decision.

Well there’s nothing like a baby to stop you having time to dwell on stuff or think about yourself!

Totally agree with this! I'm an anxious worrier type as well, but parenthood has definitely helped me put things in perspective and I think I'm less selfish as well, because I focus on the whole family now.

Given your update about TTC and then changing your mind, , I think you're not ready to have DC yet. You have time on your side, so why not wait a couple of years and see if you're ready then?

In the meantime, try to relax more and enjoy life as it is. There's no perfect way to do things and if you're in good health, in a happy relationship, no significant financial worries, etc., you don't have much to be stressed about.

P.S. my first, DD, was a happy accident, so I didn't have a chance to stress or wonder whether it was the right time!

'Admittedly' is the word in the OP that I really can't stop noticing. Typically, we admit things when someone else is doing the accusing. Very few people would freely characterise themselves as 'creating a lot of drama' in their life. No one should have to refer guiltily to 'the way I am'.

It would be interesting to hear back from the OP about the concerns for her wellbeing some posters feel.

I have a really lively friend and she sounds very similar to what you describe. I know her two kids bring her a lot of joy, but they also seem really, really difficult for her to cope with at times, and she has had some anxiety that has become even worse since having them (for instance, she has terrible fear/anxiety of nausea and vomiting, so pregnancy was awful for her and any time there is a bug going around school she gets in such a state worrying that ger kids will get it. Instead of growing out of the little dramas and anxieties, parenthood has put them under a microscope, and she now finds it hard to do everyday things. I often think she will be happier when they grow up and leave home and she isn't acutely involved in all the normal parenting things like sickness, lunches, childcare, school issues and friendship stuff. And sadly, one of her boys is very reserved because he worries so much about upsetting her. Your DH, if in a happy, stable relationship knows you best and you should consider it all carefully.

I think it says more about posters that they assume DH is pointing it out rather than any reason she feels like that. As somebody who is regularly putting herself down I can tell you mine comes from my parents. Others might be from childhood or adult bullying incidents.

Romantic partners are not the only ones who shape you.

If the genders were flipped in this people would be calling for the woman to leave the bastard as he clearly didn’t want kids and they deserve to be with someone who does. It’s just BS. It’s far more nuanced than any OP can make out because that’s humans. Some on here really are like a dog with a bone...

@Confrontayshunme

Your friends sounds as if she suffers from anxiety to the extent that she needs to seek help for it. I also had to do this a couple of years ago and it's really helped. Do encourage her to go to speak to her doctor, not wait and hope it goes away.

No one should have to refer guiltily to 'the way I am'

Surely I can't be the only person who knows people (male and female) who admit they are selfish, impatient, "independent" etc. and who say "yeah, well, I acknowledge it's not great but it's just who I am, I can't really help it"... when what it ultimately boils down to is "this is me, take or leave it" knowing that their partner is going to take it?

I'm fundamentally not suited to motherhood. Nor my husband to fatherhood. Parenthood has taken a great toll on our physical and mental wellbeing: but we love our children more than any of this so we have had to adjust. We are learning on the job. It's hard work.

Had I known how hard it would be (because I don't think you can know beforehand), I would still have had my children. To some extent I also know that because I wrestle with these thoughts it shows that I care about what kind of experience my children have of their parents. It can be a good thing to be reflective, before children and after.

You do need to be sure children is what you want - for yourself. Because partners can leave you and then you are on your own for a lot, or even all of the time. You have to be more committed to your children's needs than to your own wants. It's good to think about and be comfortable with. Your DH doesn't sound that he himself is certain of how he will be as a parent.

But surely that's the very opposite of the sense of shame and guilt that seems to pervade the OP, @CiarCel?

Your interpretation of the OP is one of shame and guilt. Other interpretations are possible.

It's not about interpretation. Someone saying 'this is me, take it or leave it' is completely different from anything the OP said. On the contrary, she said she 'tries hard to work on these things'.

I just don't care for the negative self-talk OP's posts are steeped in, although I can see that it probably sounds normal to some.