DH thinks I’m not suited to having children

[Summersway]

I’m late 20s, DH mid 30s. Together 5 years. Part of me has always wanted a child, the other part not so sure. I’ll go through periods of feeling desperately broody and wanting to TTC, to feeling unsure as to whether having DC is a good idea at all. We have a nice lifestyle and part of me would really miss it, on the other hand I can’t imagine a future without children. I’m very indecisive in general so this is normal for me. When we had our most recent conversation about TTC, DH said he wants me to be 100% sure it’s what I want first, as I change my mind.

This lead on to a conversation where he expressed concerns that I might struggle adjusting/regret having DC due to the way I am. Admittedly I’m selfish, easily stressed, a worrier, impatient and generally someone who (without meaning to) seems to create a lot of drama in their own life as a result of getting stressed/worrying over things not going the way I planned them. I try my best to work on these things, but in a way they make up the person I am and it’s hard to change.

AIBU in thinking surely there are lots of people with similar sort of traits who have had DC, managed to adjust and are genuinely happy? I fear if I waited until I’m “100% sure” as DH suggests, I may never have DC at all!

Nothing like having kids to stop you being selfish and making you lift your head up off the page and look at the world through a different lens.

The other thing is that it passes very quickly - suddenly my sons are in their 20s and I look back and wonder where the time went. Life is long - I've raised my kids and am now only in my 50s and hopefully still have a good 40 years of life left to do what I want. Children are not children for very long and babies are only babies for about a year. It all passes very quickly.

I think lots of very well suited people have worries out of natural concern for wanting to be good parents and that is a good thing, but also many people become parents when they are ill-suited as they don't think or care enough or minimise etc and it causes so much pain to the children, sometimes lifelong.

I think really, that if we don't have full control over ourselves and our actions/ choices etc and that that causes legitimate problems, then for the child's sake it would be better not to have children. The ability to put the child's needs first (not to a crazy extent) should be a qualifying condition of parenthood really! That is not to say we have to be perfect, there is a middle ground. And not everyone just gets the magical personality and ability upgrade just through having kids.

But it impossible for us to say whether your or your DH's worries are justified, or whether your assessment of yourself is accurate. How selfish is too selfish? It could be that your DH is right and so is being brave and responsible and loving to speak his concerns.. he can still love you for being you and have concerns for everyone's welfare, and I don't agree that he should be blindly supportive of having children just because you feel broody; it should be a rational decision where possible... but he might also be a shit with ulterior motives or someone who just enjoys putting you down. We can't know.

I think you need to talk to a really good counsellor and work this through thoroughly so you can look at all this objectively.

Honestly I think two things:
Your DH doesn’t want kids, and
He’s horrible to you.

I was told by two different people that I wouldn't be a good mum, both of those people are arseholes and I only realised later. I am a brilliant mum, they are not nice people and were projecting their shit onto me.

Maybe I’m being sensitive but I would take that as a put down.

For one, you seem to have listed plenty of things that makes you unsuitable to be a mum. A quite long list, which makes me wonder if he is highlighting those traits to you in a regular basis. But there is also NOT ONE quality that would you a good mother (and you will have some too!).

And then, what about him? Is he such an amazing person with no default at all that it is obvious he will be a good father and partner?

Everyone has some defects and some qualities. That’s how we are as humans. Being aware of those defects helps being a better parent but it certainly doesn’t stop you from being able to be a parent (and yes plenty of people could be described the same way than you described yourself and make good parents too).
But also becoming a parent changes you. Many people (or maybe that’s just women?) who would have been described as ‘selfish’ suddenly out their child first and foremost.

Does your DH ever do more than half of the housework without being asked?
Does your DH support your ambitions and push you to higher things than you would have considered otherwise?
Would your DH support you financially if you wanted to study or needed to take time off work due to a health issue?
Does he ever attribute things you do to being because you are a woman?
How is he when you are ill? Caring or irritated? What about when you're having an anxiety/stress attack?
How do you normally reach an agreement when you disagree?

I don't think your traits are a barrier to having DC (though you probably would want support for the baby and toddler years and an awareness you may be more prone to post-natal depression or anxiety) - maybe spend some time before DC reading breast and bottle feeding, weaning, sleeping, car seat, toddler discipline debates... I find it all becomes very old very quickly and you realise that none of it is really as important as people claim. Whereas if you're coming across all of this for the first time it can seem super serious and you can end up with an ideology which is impossible to stick to in practice.

Your husband might be (it's difficult to tell here).

platter the people that are ‘ill suited’ as you say aren’t the ines who are wondering if this is a good idea or if they will make a good parent (all of which the OP is asking herself).
They are people who think they are right and do not ever question themselves (which is why they do the same inadequate thing again and again).

Just because the OP is asking herself so many questions, I would suspect she will be a good mum.
On the other side, I would strongly question her DP who seem to think he is well above any of that.

I note your H is about 10 years older than you and you've been together for about 5 years.
Has your relationship mostly been about him 'teaching' you or 'helping you to be a better person' by any chance?
I think your worries etc might be less of a dreadful personality trait and more the result of living with a man who doesn't, really, like or respect you very much. He doesn't particularly want children and he certainly doesn't intend to do any of the work involved - he'd rather carry on with you hanging on to his every word and obeying him, until he decides to dump you for a younger model.

Basically, you are outgrowing this prick and would be happier without him.

Assuming your husband did n’t come up with the list of criticisms I do n’t think it’s unreasonable of him to communicate his concern you might struggle. Would you rather he kept his concerns to himself ? Is he supposed to say what you want to hear ?

Your DH isn't very nice. Does he often undermine and criticise you whilst pretending he's being helpful and caring? Being wary of the lifestyle changes inherent in being a parent, is a normal response.

No-one can predict how becoming a parent will impact.

However, we can all see that you're going to have problems with a 'DH' who is already criticising your parenting ability before you're even pregnant. Do your friends and family share his concerns? I'm guessing not. You need to take a clear-eyed look at your DH's attitude to you.

It sounds like he doesn’t want kids himself and is blaming your character rather than owning it.

Does he say he wants to have kids? It does seem like you change your mind about it a lot and that would concern me too if I were him although he's hasn't expressed his concerns in a very kind way

He's projecting. Sounds like he doesn't want kids but he wants you to make the decision. Or worse case, he doesn't want them with you so is making you make a decision that will enable him to leave.

He sounds like a shit.

Being all the things you describe doesn't mean you won't be able to enjoy having children.

But it may mean that your children don't enjoy having you...

What a twat. Every single human on the planet has a collection of bad traits, it doesn't make them any less fit for parenthood than anyone else.

Thanks everyone! Just to clarify, the list of traits came from me. DH was focussing more on the fact that I’m so indecisive and doesn’t want me to regret the decision. He has always said he’d like to have DC, but we have been through periods were we’ve agreed to TTC, then I’ve changed my mind, so I think this time around he’s a bit more cautious to agree.

*where

Come AndDance I do know exactly what you mean, but I still think we can't generalise.

I have known too many people who worry in that way and mean well, but who when it comes down to the actual practice of living, are just not able to overcome their problems and so other people, kids etc suffer. So self -questioning and good intentions are sometimes not enough.

It very difficult to advise when many people/women lack self confidence unnecessarily, and have horribly negative family or husbands, including arsehole husbands/partners who would contribute bugger all in terms of help, but actually for some people the doubts are justified.

That why i think having counselling would help the OP come to her own conclusions and have rationally developed self confidence in her abilities/ inabilities (yes we are all only human!) rather than just MNers taking a side when we have so little to go on. Its such a big deal.

Do you mean that you create drama around you in a Real Housewives kind of way?

The fact that you’re questioning this and thinking about your behaviour makes me think you would be an amazing mum. You care enough to be worrying about this.

A good friend of mine was a very selfish and anxious person. She had kids in her late 20s and has been amazing mum. I have so much respect for her and how the experience of having kids changed her.

Of course you can and should do this if it’s what you want.

Your DH does sound very patronising on the other hand and maybe that is what you should be considering. Is he the right person to have a family with?

Surely he's being sensible, particularly if she have TTC and then changed your mind.

What would you do if you changed your mind and then found out you were pregnant? Or got half way through the pregnancy and changed your mind? Or had the child and then changed your mind?

Maybe he is trying to avoid those situations?

I'm going to comment in the interests of balance. I don't think your DH is being that harsh, just honest. And if he knows you to be the way you describe, perhaps his honesty is to make you genuinely think about whether it is the right or wrong thing for you. After all kids don't choose to be born we (mostly) choose to have them and do our best for them. It would be worse if you had kids and then it really, really didn't suit you because you can't change your mind.

Take it from me (and I'll get flamed for this coz for some reason it's still an admission that makes people feel uncomfortable), it would have been really helpful in my life if someone had pointed out that having kids was not the be all and end all in life. For some perhaps it is but no-one knows you like you know yourself and with the benefit of hindsight, not having kids would probably have suited me better. I love my kids and would do anything for them but I think I would have been better suited to not being a Mum. I'm not a high drama queen but I liked (and still do like) my independence and being in control of my own life and destination. That has altered and though I have adjusted to creating the best life possible I still miss that freedom immensely. Perhaps if I hadn't had them I'd always be wondering what it would have been like.

There is no easy answer but I felt I had to comment because there seems to be a heck of a lot of negative reaction to honesty these days. Good luck in whatever you do OP

I don't think he wants children. You may not, either, and despite being on Mumsnet so therefore everyone telling you what an amazing mum you'll be, no one really knows that or finds out until the child is here. It's 100% fine to not want children or have them.

But being an honest and exploring that is a good thing if possible.

I'd go to counselling for yourself to explore, but it might be this man doesn't want kids but doesn't want to admit that.

Did your dh actually say the words in your title or did he raise concerns with you changing your mind? How many times have you agreed to ttc then changed? Sounds more like his protecting himself from disappointment rather than saying you can’t or shouldn’t be one. I can see why he wants you to be 100%. I delayed once due to an opportunity and it was quite hard on my dh as he had fully got on board with wanting a baby and I pushed it back by a year. In hindsight we’re both glad but it was tough putting it on hold

I think he is probably not sure whether he wants children or would be a good father TBH. Think about whether you want a family with this man .Its not up to anyone else to tell you if you would be a "suitable"parent is it!.I am a similar personality to you and worry a lot and have 2 children (both in their twenties now)!.How about his personality? Is he super calm , decisive and laid back No?..No one can tell 100% if they would cope or not!.What about people who become pregnant accidentally .If everyone had to undergo a personality test before they conceived the No one would ever become pregnant!

Well, I guess I am naturally a bit like you. I couldn't make up my mind about having children until my early thirties, I loved my personal space, and the freedom we had and having seen our stressed out friends with kids, thought maybe it wasn't for me. We tried to conceive for several years and at some point I realised that I really wanted it. We were lucky enough to have a beautiful boy last year and the concerns I had are dwarfed by the love I feel for my family (although I realise not everyone experiences this). Only recently my husband said to me that he was so glad I loved being a Mum so much, because he used to wonder whether I could adapt. I don't agree that having this concern makes your DH a bad guy, just someone that has their own concerns about becoming a parent. Anyway, you've got time - no need to rush.