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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

466 replies

imlookingforadvice · 11/06/2019 15:55

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:
DonkeyHohtay · 11/06/2019 15:56

No contraception is 100%.

If you have sex, you accept that risk.

PanteneProV · 11/06/2019 15:58

Yanbu OP - can absolutely understand why you’re furious. While you’re right that pregnancy is always a risk with sex, in this case you’ve been actively deceived by someone you trusted, and your girlfriend has done something really unforgivable.

I’m glad you will be supporting the child and staying in it’s life because that’s the only decent thing you can do, and I hope the baby brings you all manner of joy in time. But I don’t blame you at this time for being angry, it’s completely understandable.

Dommina · 11/06/2019 15:59

I'm so sorry this happened. I think it's an awful thing for someone to do and I think you have every right to be angry. You recognise that you have responsibility for the child now. I suppose the only thing you can do is make the most of the situation, and support your child as much as possible. It's not fair on the child to withhold child support or anything else, but I think you know that. Best of luck to you and your child.

Reallyevilmuffin · 11/06/2019 16:00

Well within your rights to be pissed off at this. But you're right, absolutely nothing that you can do.

I would view this as the same as having sex with someone with known HIV who ensured you they were wearing a condom and then took it off without you knowing.

After all, no methods are 100%.

Haworthia · 11/06/2019 16:00

So, you were happy to use conforms and it was your girlfriend who didn’t like them. That’s unusual.

I’m afraid to say that it was down to you to insist on condoms, since it was such a new relationship. Had you both been tested for STDs before stopping them?

BarbarianMum · 11/06/2019 16:01

In a short term relationship the onus is on you to take steps to prevent pregnancy if you don't want a child. Doubly so if you're a bloke and therefore don't make the decision on ending an unwanted pregnancy.

You were a fool to place so much trust in a person you barely knew.

ShiveringCoyote · 11/06/2019 16:03

Well you weren't strict with using protection as you left that responsibility in someone else's hands. You've been with her three months and in that time you trusted her 100%?
What she did was shitty but you were more than happy to have sex with her.

ISmellBabies · 11/06/2019 16:04

Yanbu to be upset. You were being vvvvvv unreasonable to rely on someone else (especially someone you didn't even know) for contraception. You take responsibility, always. If she doesn't like condoms tough, don't have sex with her, you have to protect yourself. Obviously it's too late now this time, but at least please learn a lesson for next time.

BattenburgIsland · 11/06/2019 16:04

I'm not sure what your question is really? Yes she was very wrong to lie.... but you have also been a part of that risk by having penetrative sex with her. Even if she had been using contraception theres still a risk of pregnancy. And when a woman is pregnant you do not have a say in the outcome of that and rightly so.
I think you need to separate what shes done to you (which was very wrong) with what is now happening. She has a baby inside her and it is now up to her what she decides for her body.
And that is your baby. Whatever she decides your anger at her should not be directed at this child for whom you do have a responsibility as you took the risk of having sex with someone (with or without a condom there is still a risk) I'm afraid that if she keeps the baby you are going to have to have a word with yourself and step up and be there for this child.
It's understandable you are angry about the lying but that does not give you any right to dictate what she now chooses to do with her body or to turn your back on your own child.
It's a stressful situation to be in and I'm sorry you are going through this. But dont let her behaviour make you stop being a decent human being here. Support whatever decision she makes.

VapeVamp12 · 11/06/2019 16:04

Jeez, your "girlfriend" gives women a bad name. It's the ultimate betrayal because you're now joined for life.

ShartGoblin · 11/06/2019 16:04

You are definitely well within your rights to be angry, being lied to and betrayed in a relationship is not ok. She is in the wrong here and I'm sorry for you. Unfortunately, you have no choice but to get over it.

You don't have to like her or respect what she has done but you do have to both work together and put the child first. Holding on to this anger will not help you as you're right, there's nothing you can do to change things. What you can do is focus on your child, enjoy being a father, step up and accept the situation for what could be the happiest accident of your life. You don't have to like her for what she's done but you have a long road together ahead and you need to view this as a business arrangement. You both have a responsibility to your child and that is the priority, not either of your feelings.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2019 16:06

You are within your rights to be angry. You were deceived and that is awful.

However, you know how babies are made (you have two) and you were happy to trust a three month girlfriend with your sexual health and future finances. I mean did you both get STI tested before you stopped using condoms?

I feel for you but you have to understand that your sexual health is your responsibility. I've laughed with female friends about a male pill. Would I trust a new sexual partner to be in charge of 'invisible' contraception? Would I bollocks. Not in a million years. But so many men appear to be happy to.

JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 16:06

What do I do??

Step up and be a father to your child both emotionally and practically.

I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty

You are well within your rights to be extremely angry with her. However you should also be cross with yourself for not insisting on condoms.

The only person you can rely on for contraception is yourself. PLease also consider having an STD test.

ElizaPancakes · 11/06/2019 16:07

Well you weren’t ‘pretty strict’ at all were you? Pills fail. You could have insisted on condoms. Now you’re going to be a dad with a manipulative person you’ve known for what, six months?

YANBU at all to be angry, but you were extremely naive to think a woman you barely know might not lie, especially when it sounds like she was willing to have completely unprotected sex and it was only after conversation she agreed to the pill.

Singlenotsingle · 11/06/2019 16:07

That's the risk you take, I'm afraid. The pill isn't immediately effective anyway, not until she's taken it for a full month, preferably more. YANBU to be annoyed but nature wants babies. Maybe you ought to consider having the snip so that this doesn't happen again?

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2019 16:08

your "girlfriend" gives women a bad name

No she doesn't. Her shitty decision was hers, not all women's, the vast majority of whom wouldn't do this.

NeverSayFreelance · 11/06/2019 16:09

She lied to you, so of course you're justified in being annoyed. But it has happened now, so it's time to figure out what to do next.

HolesinTheSoles · 11/06/2019 16:09

You are well within your rights at being angry because you've been mislead. While no form of contraception is 100% and there's always a risk of pregnancy accepting the 1% risk of contraceptive failure is completely different to accepting the 90% risk of pregnancy by not using any contraception.

That said your anger won't be helpful moving forward. I would try to decide exactly what you want to do going forward. Since this obviously isn't a relationship which has a strong basis of trust you'll want to have written agreements about contact arrangements and child maintenance.

madcatladyforever · 11/06/2019 16:09

Sounds to me like she wanted to get pregnant and has played you for a fool. I'd be furious about this. You don't expect people to lie about important things like this.
I had a boyfriend years ago who lied about having had a vasectomy - he hadn't, he just wanted to pin me down with a child so I wouldn't leave him.
When I had an abortion he was furious.
People like this should be prosecuted for assault in my opinion male or female. There is no excuse and I don't care what anyone on here says about no contraception is 100%. You expect to be able to trust your partner over these things.

Prtf1345 · 11/06/2019 16:09

Donkeyhoytay- What an idiot there’s always one

Drogosnextwife · 11/06/2019 16:10

Well I wouldn't rely on a man to make sure he was taking contraception and dint get pregnant so why would you rely on a woman? You have sex there's a changmce a pregnancy will happen. Suck it up and pay for and raise your child, HTH.

JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 16:11

You expect to be able to trust your partner over these things

They were seeing each other for 3 months...hardly long enough to have got to the stage of absolute trust.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2019 16:11

You were reckless and cavalier with your own sexual health to agree to no condoms.

She was deceitful and controlling to stop taking her pill on purpose without telling you.

Happyspud · 11/06/2019 16:12

You have no comeback I’m afraid. The worst decision you made was to pick such a lowlife for a girlfriend. Then it was a mistake to not insist on contraception on your side (though I can see that you thought you had insisted). Now you will have to co-parent with this crappy person. And the real loser if you dig in or behave in any bad way will be your innocent child.

I personally think on this issue women should be held accountable and punished for lying to steal a baby out of an unwilling and unconsenting man. But very very difficult to police so it will have to suffice to say that it’s truest shit of any woman to do this to someone.

MQv2 · 11/06/2019 16:13

There's nothing you can do in this situation.

I assume you've dumped the bitch, if you haven't then do. No point in trying to maintain a relationship with someone so deceptive.

Now you have to be there for the kid when it arrives and do your best for them in the same way you do for your other two children.

The child didn't choose to come in to the world in these circumstances and shouldn't be the one to pay the price for it.