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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

466 replies

imlookingforadvice · 11/06/2019 15:55

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 11/06/2019 16:32

I agree that it's outrageous behaviour on her behalf. It's totally unacceptable to lie about contraception. It's not somehow OK because a woman does it.

OP accepted the small risk of contraceptive failure he didn't accept the very high risk of getting pregnant without using any contraceptives. Would you think it was fine if a woman trusted a man to pick up her contraceptive pill for her and he swapped it for sugar pills? Or didn't wear a condom when he said he would (this actually happened to a friend of mine and she was told it could be considered rape).

JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 16:34

It's not somehow OK because a woman does it

Who has said that?

sergeilavrov · 11/06/2019 16:35

Unfortunately, you have been subject to non-consensual sexual intercourse (rape), which has resulted in pregnancy. You consented to protected sex, and she - without your knowledge - had unprotected sex with you. It's called "stealthing" in common parlance, and it is considered a criminal offence. You had a discussion about contraception, which can be described as the moment you shifted to the pill - that is conditional consent. If she failed to adhere to those conditions, she does not have your consent to engage in sexual intercourse. You could not provide informed consent based on her failure to inform you that she had ceased taking measures to prevent pregnancy, and a number of lawyers would advise you to seek prosecution.

You may want to seek legal advice, before approaching the police, if this is what you want to do - as the police are notoriously ill-informed about these matters. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, you seem remarkably clear-headed. If you need to talk to someone, try contacting Survivors UK. They are experienced with male survivors of sexual assault, and will be able to provide you with support and signposting to GUM services.

MissConductUS · 11/06/2019 16:35

It's a risk you take anytime you ejaculate in a woman. If you really didn't want to be a father again you should have used more than one method of BC. If you were truly done with having kids you should have gotten a vasectomy.

Lots of women think they'll be okay with an abortion and then change their mind when the actually turn up pregnant and it's not hypothetical anymore. She should not have dc'd the oral contraceptive without telling you, so you are both BU.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/06/2019 16:35

It was really sneaky of her but you only knew her 3 months, you should have been protecting yourself better and using a condom

Saffy101 · 11/06/2019 16:35

OP, I am sorry this has happened but this actually IS the oldest trick IN the book. She probably is/was very afraid of losing you and thought this was a way of holding onto you. Is she in love with you.

Is there anything there for you? Could you make a go of it???

....Story time....many years ago I knew a girl well who baldly admitted to doing this on purpose, she had been seeing her boyfriend for longer than you two have been together though - and had realised he was about to leave her for someone else. Due to her pregnancy they had a shotgun wedding although he would have much preferred to be with the other girl. Long story short. over 30 years and they are still together. I know it has had some bumps in the road but she made loads of promises that if he stayed with her she would be for him and she would do to make their life good and she has kept every one. House sparkles and garden has neat rows of veg and flowers. She has been a very good wife and mother.

Just a thought, if a little off the beaten track....

VladmirsPoutine · 11/06/2019 16:35

Yanbu. It's ok to be angry. Unfortunately you've just got unlucky with this particular woman as no contraception is 100% guaranteed to work. All that said, a child is an encumbrance on women's lives - so even though you will pay. She did this more or less for herself.

Happyspud · 11/06/2019 16:37

The most recent case like this a man took to court failed. I think it was UK but I might have that wrong.

Guadalquivir19 · 11/06/2019 16:37

Aside from the unwanted pregnancy, I'd recommend that you get tested for unwanted STI's and HIV. You don't know what else she's lied about if she's already mislead you about contraception. From now on, you should use a condom with every sexual partner that you have.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 11/06/2019 16:37

Why did she admit to you that she stopped taking the pill? Surely calling it an "accident" would have made her look less like a sneaky bitch.

Jellybeansincognito · 11/06/2019 16:37

@sergeilavrov OP you should tell your girlfriend this, she is disgusting.
I cannot believe women are still getting away with this.

You obviously are aware of your part to play too op so I won’t berate you for that, but I’m assuming it’s a lesson learnt. Are you going to continue your relationship with this women?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2019 16:38

Unfortunately, you have been subject to non-consensual sexual intercourse (rape), which has resulted in pregnancy. You consented to protected sex

  1. it ain't rape.
  2. the OP didn't undertake any protection himself. He took "Her word" over his own responsibility.
JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 16:38

You consented to protected sex, and she - without your knowledge - had unprotected sex with you. It's called "stealthing" in common parlance, and it is considered a criminal offence

Stealthing refers to the removal of condoms during sex, not the situation as outlined by the OP.

AngelsSins · 11/06/2019 16:40

Whilst I don’t blame you for being upset, you’ve been incredibly stupid. You were dating for 3 months for god sake, not many women would trust a man who said he was taking the pill (if a male pill existed) and would also take care of themselves. You really should have insisted on a condom.

I’m sorry you’ve now found yourself in this position, but please remember that it’s not the child’s fault.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/06/2019 16:40

Unfortunately people are far too trusting. Sounds like she wanted a baby daddy and you provided. You are right to be angry. But as a father to two other children and clearly not in a relationship with the mother(s), you know you are definitely fertile and that penetrative sex can lead to pregnancy.

Butterflyone1 · 11/06/2019 16:41

I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I'm even more sorry that some women on here are blaming you!

They were in a relationship. Granted it was early on but when you are with someone, you do trust them. If you don't believe a word they are saying, why would you be with them?

This women has tried to trap you into a relationship. I couldn't be with someone like that. I understand you wanting to be there for your children which is great but it sounds like she might not be easy to deal with.

There's sadly not much you can do now. You can either remain with her and accept she deceived you and pray the relationship works out for the sake of your child or you walk away and expect nothing but grief regarding your access to your child. It's a rubbish situation either things you do.

DoneLikeAKipper · 11/06/2019 16:42

Didn’t we have this exact thread a few weeks ago Hmm.

sergeilavrov · 11/06/2019 16:43

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz and @JacquesHammer

The legal precedent is not about the form of contraception, rather the failure to gain informed consent on a change in use. For those who aren't sure about the legality of this situation, please refer to the newly amended Chapter 3 of CPS Rape and Sexual Offences guidance below. It contains support on understanding the evolving role of conditional consent from a legal perspective.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-3-consent

There was a successful prosecution based on this quite recently, involving a sex worker and a client. If you do seek legal help (especially if it's legal aid), ask them to read the McNally vs Crown 2013 ruling.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/06/2019 16:43

I can understand why you feel angry, but you should have worn a condom. All sex carries a risk, doubling up with condoms plus another method makes it even less likely, but sex makes babies, sometimes against all the odds.
I do think that she has deceived you deliberately by the sound of it, and you have a right to be angry about that part of it.

JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 16:43

Didn’t we have this exact thread a few weeks ago

You're right actually - few details changed but very similar.

mupbah · 11/06/2019 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DoneLikeAKipper · 11/06/2019 16:48

@JacquesHammer and I highly suspected that one was started by a MRA goady poster. Not saying this op is, of course.

ReapersHowler · 11/06/2019 16:50

If a man takes off a condom after a woman has consented to sex with him wearing a condom then it's rape. This is the same thing. It's a vile act and sadly brings another unwanted child into the world.

ScreamingValenta · 11/06/2019 16:50

YANBU. You have every right to be livid.

newnamewhosthis · 11/06/2019 16:51

I can't believe some of the replays on this thread.

YANBU to feel angry and upset. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do now other than being the better person and standing by your child.

If this was roles reversed and it was a male purposely tampering with the birth control and not telling his female partner with the goal to get her pregnant there would absolute outcry on this site.

Hopefully what @sergeilavrov says helps you with legal recourse I have no knowledge of that side but you have my sympathy

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