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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

466 replies

imlookingforadvice · 11/06/2019 15:55

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:
ShiveringCoyote · 11/06/2019 16:14

If I gave someone I knew for three months my bank card and PIN and they emptied my bank account I doubt I'd get much sympathy. I'd be told I was a gobshite fool.

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/06/2019 16:15

I can understand why you are angry. However, the facts are if you don't want your partner to get pregnant you need to be active in taking steps to prevent this and less trusting of people you don't know very well.

Pinkmouse6 · 11/06/2019 16:16

I’m sorry this has happened to you, YANBU to feel angry and betrayed.

YABU for not using condoms though, you hadn’t known her long enough to trust she’d use the pill plus the pill is pretty renowned for failing. Unless you knew she had an implant in situ (can feel them in the persons arm) I would have 100% insisted on condoms. I actually would have insisted on them anyway and would with any casual sex or new partner to avoid situations like this.

There’s nothing you can do I’m afraid. You will have to accept fatherhood provided the pregnancy goes well...

swingofthings · 11/06/2019 16:16

Sadly when some women become desperate to be a mum, morality goes in the bin. Saying that, what if she'd told you that she'd taken the pill at the same time every day and is one of the 1% who still fell pregnant? Try to look at it that way when it comes to the baby. They could have happened regardless of your girlfriends intentions. Hopefully it will be a happy betrayal as you fall in love with your child and couldn't imagine your life without them.

BobbyBaratheon · 11/06/2019 16:17

I wouldn't be able to trust her after this and this would definitely be the end of the relationship for me. I'd tell her that once the baby is born I'd like a paternity test and then I'd pay what is legally required and be a father to the child but the romantic relationship is over.

HolesinTheSoles · 11/06/2019 16:17

I wonder what posters would say if they had sex with a man who said he was wearing a condom and wasn't. They then found out that while he had no STD's he had got them pregnant. Would the same argument stand? You should have checked he was actually using a condom because you'd only known him a little while? I can guarantee they wouldn't and you'd all be saying that he was an awful awful person.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/06/2019 16:18

Well, that is the flip side of consent - men should give it too.

Yes, she has been incredibly unreasonable. She has unilaterally taken a decision that will effect both of you for the rest of your lives. It isn't good enough to say "Well, you were happy to have sex" That doesn't work when a women reaches her personal boundary and it shoudn't when a man reaches his.

If all is as OP says: she didn't want to use condoms, took responsibility for contraception then chose to stop taking it without telling him then she is in the wrong... not sure there is a word for it or that it is a crime, but it is an immoral thing to do! She has removed his chance to give informed consent!

But, when all of that has sunk in, she is pregnant and she intends to keep the child. So, as you say, you will now be looking at a 3rd child in your life.

To all those psters berating him... read his OP again. You missed the bits where he stated, quite unequivocally, the very points you are now throwing back at him!

OP rant on. You are not at all unreasonable to feel angry. I hope you can work through it and enjoy the child when it arrives. Good luck.

Biancadelrioisback · 11/06/2019 16:18

Tbf, I hate condoms. They absolutely ruin sex for me. However, I decided after the birth of our son that I didn't want to go back on hormonal contraception so we've ended up using condoms again.

OP I'm really sorry how you've been treated. It doesn't sound like she is very nice so just make sure your child has a positive role model in you.

Pinkmouse6 · 11/06/2019 16:19

She is undoubtedly an awful and deceptive person especially to brazenly admit she had stopped taking the pill, I’d imagine most women would simply claim the pill had failed in some way... But the only thing a man can actually do to protect himself is either use condoms or have a vasectomy. They can’t rely on someone they have known for three months to take contraception on their behalf.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2019 16:20

You should have checked he was actually using a condom because you'd only known him a little while?

Don't you? I do. And I rarely rely on just condoms. Only in serious relationships.

The situation is different in many ways between women and men. Biologically for one. So it's a false equivalency. And most people are saying she's in the wrong but he was cavalier with his health, which he was.

Lweji · 11/06/2019 16:20

You should do what you'd do if there had been a contraception accident.

Break up with her for the abuse of trust. I suppose you could take her to court, but you'd have to think what you'd gain from it.

Take care of the child as you'd a wanted child.

Have the snip if you definitely don't want more children.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 11/06/2019 16:21

What’s done is done, but I would be very wary of a woman who “doesn’t like using condoms” in a new relationship.

It kind of screams I want to get pregnant, don’t you think?

poglets · 11/06/2019 16:22

I would be angry but there is nothing you can do now. I'd be angry because she took a decision for you without giving you a choice. But if you have sex, there's always a chance this can happen. No contraceptive is 100% effective.

You need to consider what you want and can do now. You have a responsibility to the child. Don't let them down.

JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 16:22

I can guarantee they wouldn't and you'd all be saying that he was an awful awful person

Have you read the thread? Countless posts saying she was in the wrong.

However, here's where biology wins. A man has only ONE chance to prevent a pregnancy. So if a pregnancy is absolutely undesirable then he absolutely must use condoms. There's no other point to make.

Her poor behaviour doesn't mean the OP wasn't reckless and made a poor decision.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 11/06/2019 16:22

It's an issue that gets me very cross. DS once had a girlfriend who kept telling him he didn't need to use condoms because she was on the pill. But he wasn't entirely sure of her so he stuck to his guns.

They split up and she was pregnant within three months. DS1 said he'd dodged a bullet.

You have every right to be furious but the decision is in her hands. There's nothing you can do and I'd advise you not to hold on to your anger. As PP have said, focus on the positives. Once the baby arrives you'll find it impossible to imagine a world without them, and they bring their own love with them.

gamerchick · 11/06/2019 16:22

However, you know how babies are made (you have two) and you were happy to trust a three month girlfriend with your sexual health and future finances. I mean did you both get STI tested before you stopped using condoms?

Always this ^^ I'm curious to the answer to the sti question as well. Golden rule, if you want to ditch condoms then both get tested first. If you don't want babies then use a condom.

Still it's a mistake you won't likely be making again I would guess. It's good you're stepping up, be cross all you want but don't let it consume you. Babies don't ask to be born.

HolesinTheSoles · 11/06/2019 16:23

@MrsTerryPratchett I would check a man was wearing a condom but if he lied about wearing one it would be his fault not mine and people on this forum would be rightly outraged that he lied about wearing one. They wouldn't imply it was my fault or say "oh well the condom might have failed anyway".

Fluffycloudland77 · 11/06/2019 16:23

I can’t quite believe a man fell for a woman not liking condoms but there you go.

The only options at the moment are vasectomy or condoms and you should have been more careful if you didn’t want more kids.

Lweji · 11/06/2019 16:25

if he lied about wearing one it would be his fault not mine and people on this forum would be rightly outraged that he lied about wearing one.

It can be considered rape.

IJustLostTheGame · 11/06/2019 16:26

Yanbu to be furious. It's a horrible betrayal of trust.

YABU to say you did not consent. You did, albeit unwittingly. You could have insisted on condoms.
Contraception shouldn't just be on women to organise and insist upon.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2019 16:27

if he lied about wearing one it would be his fault not mine and people on this forum would be rightly outraged that he lied about wearing one. They wouldn't imply it was my fault

Everyone pretty much has said she is a liar and a shitty person. It's 100% her fault. But he made a really risky decision.

Anyway, I'm always very cynical about these posts on a female-centric website. They're a bit dog whistle. Maybe he'll be back with an answer to the STI question. Maybe he's off with screenshots to prove we're all sexist bitches. Who knows.

Drogosnextwife · 11/06/2019 16:27

You should have checked he was actually using a condom because you'd only known him a little while?

Of course you should check that. Plus usually you would see them put it on, or at least see the penis before it went it. Also even if you dont see it, its easy to tell by touch.

VapeVamp12 · 11/06/2019 16:27

YABU to say you did not consent. You did, albeit unwittingly.

How do you unwittingly give consent???

BobbyBaratheon · 11/06/2019 16:28

YABU to say you did not consent. You did, albeit unwittingly

Would you say this if a man took off a condom without notifying the other person?

HavelockVetinari · 11/06/2019 16:31

YANBU to be furious, she's definitely a shit person to do this.

Interestingly, a Nova Scotia court convicted a man who secretly poked holes in a condom (to get his girlfriend pregnant) of sexual assault, the premise being that she consented to sex with contraception, she did not consent to sex without. I don't think it's been tested in the UK court, but it may be worth seeing what a solicitor or barrister says - although it'd be expensive unless you can get it pro bono as a test case.

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