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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

466 replies

imlookingforadvice · 11/06/2019 15:55

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:
ReapersHowler · 11/06/2019 16:51

Question for those saying he should have worn a condom would you tell a woman who was the victim of stealthing she should have been on the pill? Lets quit the victim blaming.

SkintAsASkintThing · 11/06/2019 16:53

Everyone's going to pile on and say it's your own fault for not using condoms etc etc. My personal view is she's disgusting. And women like that give the rest of us a bad name.

There isn't much you can do now other than take responsibility. I do sympathise massively though. With you. And with the baby being born into this mess.

JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 16:53

Question for those saying he should have worn a condom would you tell a woman who was the victim of stealthing she should have been on the pill

No. It’s false equivalency.

HTH.

Fatasfooook · 11/06/2019 16:54

I think you have a right to be angry with her and you must also be feeling very angry with yourself. What a horrible situation for you.
It’s done now though, you are going to have to try and get over it ad focus on the child.

Hollowvictory · 11/06/2019 16:55

Doh! You take responsibility for your own contraception is what you do. No method is 100% so always double up.
Don't they teach this stuff anymore? Aids, stds etc?

AshQ · 11/06/2019 16:56

Sorry this happened to you.
It’s completely different to a couple dealing with contraception failure (which is always a risk). I think it’s awful someone could be betray another person’s trust and consent like this.

waterSpider · 11/06/2019 16:59

Having two kids already will mean lower child maintenance than if you were childless … I assume you are paying towards those first two?

TulipsTulipsTulips · 11/06/2019 16:59

You are well within your rights. You never consented to sex with her knowing she was not taking contraception. This is very serious issue and a total violation of your trust. It’s appalling that some pps on here are blaming you.

cake7pn · 11/06/2019 17:01

Well within your rights to be livid, I would try and work through it though (for the sake of the child).

Fatasfooook · 11/06/2019 17:01

Hollowvictory

Doh! You take responsibility for your own contraception is what you do. No method is 100% so always double up.
Don't they teach this stuff anymore? Aids, stds etc?

Did you miss the part where she stopped taking the contraceptive on purpose?

waterSpider · 11/06/2019 17:03

"you've said you're on the pill, but I'm going to wear a condom because I don't really believe/trust you".
That would be a bit of a rocky relationship, I think. Maybe you could amend that, to "making doubly sure", that might work.

Also, "I will love this child … once you get a paternity test" isn't the easiest line.

Still … roll on the male pill, if we ever get it.

AlaskanOilBaron · 11/06/2019 17:04

Sorry this happened, but didn't your parents ever warn you about this?

Three months is far too early in a relationship to trust someone in this way. I bet if a friend had told you the same story a week ago, you would have sworn up and down that your 'girlfriend' wouldn't do this.

Really sorry, bad luck.

Pinkmouse6 · 11/06/2019 17:04

You can’t fully trust someone you met three months ago, I think that’s the overall point. You are also a fully grown man with two children so not an ignorant teenager. I would say the same to a woman who ‘forgot’ to take her pill then got pregnant fwiw.

We all have an individual responsibility to protect ourselves, you can’t rely on others to do it on your behalf. Sadly men only currently have three contraceptive options- condoms, vasectomy or abstinence. As a woman I would always insist on the man wearing a condom in a new relationship regardless of whether I was taking the pill, had the coil etc or not. That’s taking responsibility for my overall sexual health.

She is a vile and vindictive person of course, this doesn’t take away from that but OP should not have blindly trusted her especially not with something like the pill. How many women fall pregnant ‘on the pill’ every year I wonder...

MissConductUS · 11/06/2019 17:05

What's of primary concern now, legally and morally, is what's in the best interests of the child. Taking some sort of legal action against the girlfriend isn't going to change that or absolve OP of his parental responsibilities.

AmeriAnn · 11/06/2019 17:06

Years ago being a single mother was pretty taboo and so if a girl became pregnant they would get married almost immediately. In some case they were in love and would have gotten married anyway, as in the case of my grandparents when my father was conceived in the 1920's. But oftentimes girls would have sex without contraceptives to trap a bloke into marriage. He usually was a high earner - but keep in mind women usually didn't make much 45 - 50 years ago.

I knew girls who did this. They told me they'd secretly stopped taking the pill because they wanted to get married. It often led a unhappy union.

Sorry she did this to you. You were well and truly trapped.

Haworthia · 11/06/2019 17:07

Unfortunately, you have been subject to non-consensual sexual intercourse (rape), which has resulted in pregnancy. You consented to protected sex, and she - without your knowledge - had unprotected sex with you.

This is all kinds of bollocks. First of all, having sex with a woman on the pill isn’t “protected” sex. The pill only protects against pregnancy. You are still vulnerable to every STD under the sun.

AmeriAnn · 11/06/2019 17:09

I have to add, I told my sons to never leave the contraception up to their girlfriends, even if she tells you she's on the pill. As it turns out their girlfriends don't want children and don't want to quit their good jobs.

blackcat86 · 11/06/2019 17:09

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. This may sound strong but its actually sex without consent because you had sex with her on the basis that she was on the pill. She has lied to you and has used you for sperm. I would do all you can to be in the poor child's life. They need an adult with a few decent morals. How awful of her to have tricked you. However, you have also learnt a powerful lesson. No condoms, no sex.

Lovemusic33 · 11/06/2019 17:09

To the person that said it’s unusual for the woman to say she doesn’t like condoms....hey is it unusual? I hate using them, I chose to take the pill.

OP, I really feel for you. She’s basically trapped you and lied to you. First thing I would do is break up with her, she can’t be trusted. You have no say wether she has the child or not and you will have to support the child. What a shit situation to be in.

Parky04 · 11/06/2019 17:10

No sympathy from me. I wouldn't trust anyone. If she wouldn't have sex with me wearing a condom, I wouldn't have sex. Be responsible for your own contraception!

Pinkmouse6 · 11/06/2019 17:10

You were well and truly trapped.

That’s not true, men can no longer be ‘trapped’. The only way this could happen is if a woman tampered with the condoms in some way. He wasn’t trapped, he chose to have sex without a condom, there’s a difference. You can’t compare it to men in the 1920s who didn’t have access to condoms.

Starlight456 · 11/06/2019 17:11

Some harsh replies on here.

I think you have every right to be angry.

However you are where you are a baby is on its way.

AlaskanOilBaron · 11/06/2019 17:12

Of course it's a breach of his consent. Hardly matters what the law says, it's morally treacherous.

I warn my 16 year old about this fairly regularly. I do worry that they'll fall prey to a wily character like the OP's girlfriend.

OkMaybeNot · 11/06/2019 17:12

Yanbu to be furious. You both made the decision to stop using condoms, she made the decision to stop using contraception full stop and didn't tell you. Massive breach of trust, dishonest and just cuntish, frankly.

I'd be ending the relationship at once - you cannot trust this woman.

And then I'd taking some time to come to terms with becoming a father - because you don't have a say in this. All you can do from this point on is make the best of a situation you had no intention of being in, by being a good father to that child.

Rainonmyguitar · 11/06/2019 17:13

You should have checked he was actually using a condom because you'd only known him a little while?

Of course you should check that. Plus usually you would see them put it on, or at least see the penis before it went it. Also even if you dont see it, its easy to tell by touch

You can check all you want, I did...actually put it him but I didn't see the bastard take it off. Worst nightmare come true, I was pregnant to a terrible person(he admitted he took it off, I had no idea until I discovered I was pregnant). I had to have an abortion. Living in Ireland, that wasn't easy to arrange. Terrible terrible time in my life.