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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

466 replies

imlookingforadvice · 11/06/2019 15:55

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 11/06/2019 17:13

It was a dishonest thing to do, but birth control isn't ever 100% especially when you are putting the burden on someone else to take care of it all. She could have also gotten sick and thrown up the pill and gotten pregnant, or ended up on antibiotics that interfered, or could have missed a pill because she forgot. If you are 100% sure you don't want children, you need to be using a form of birth control that you can take responsibility for yourself. That doesn't mean it isn't shitty because you obviously trusted her. But the fault isn't entirely her own. When I didn't want to get pregnant (like it would absolutely have been a bad thing), I used the pill and also insisted on condoms.

AlaskanOilBaron · 11/06/2019 17:13

That’s not true, men can no longer be ‘trapped’.

Yes. The OP's girlfriend did not lay a trap when she stopped taking the pill without informing him. Hmm

OkMaybeNot · 11/06/2019 17:17

She could have also gotten sick and thrown up the pill and gotten pregnant, or ended up on antibiotics that interfered, or could have missed a pill because she forgot

All true, and all part of the terms and conditions OP was signing up for by ditching the condoms. But she intentionally stopped taking it. I mean the end result is the same, obviously, but OP's right to be upset in this case.

NoBaggyPants · 11/06/2019 17:18

This is shit. Woman intentionally deceives man into having sex without a condom, and somehow it's his fault? I expect you'll also give the same response to a woman in the same situation, won't you?

BogglesGoggles · 11/06/2019 17:19

It’s a bit silly to trust someone you r only been seeing for three months.

Branleuse · 11/06/2019 17:21

of course its ok to be annoyed, but theres nothing you can do about it now. Sounds like she just wanted a baby. This isnt massively unusual, so if a woman is keen to stop using condoms, and you dont want kids, then beware, because there is absolutely nothing you can do now except step up and be a dad again.
Have you thought about getting the snip?

ScreamingValenta · 11/06/2019 17:21

It was a dishonest thing to do, but birth control isn't ever 100%

The fact that genuine failures of contraception can happen is beside the point. The point here is that the OP has been deceived, which is appalling, and which is why his anger is entirely justified.

Changaroorooroo · 11/06/2019 17:22

Some utterly batshit replies on this thread!!

OP, I'd be fucking livid - it's unbelievably shitty of her.

Pinkmouse6 · 11/06/2019 17:24

Yes. The OP's girlfriend did not lay a trap when she stopped taking the pill without informing him.

He chose to stop using condoms, he didn’t have to sign up to that. This wasn’t a long term partner, he’d only known her for three months. Most of us have cupboard staples a lot older than this.

SimonJT · 11/06/2019 17:25

Anyone lying about contraception removes consent, if she is willing to lie and coerce someone to become pregnant goodness knows what else she is capable of.

Laws need to change so men and women are treated equally when a party lies about contraception.

HavelockVetinari · 11/06/2019 17:26

I cannot believe the victim blaming going on here - this is NOT the OP's fault!

Pinkmouse6 · 11/06/2019 17:26

Laws need to change so men and women are treated equally when a party lies about contraception.

There’s absolutely no way of proving that a woman didn’t take the pill.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2019 17:26

No sign of OP.

HavelockVetinari · 11/06/2019 17:27

Laws need to change so men and women are treated equally when a party lies about contraception.

^ this.

SickOfBeingFat · 11/06/2019 17:27

This is not your fault, OP! I think you come across very well in the opening post and you are allowed to be angry

SunshineCake · 11/06/2019 17:28

I feel for you. Every parent should educate their son that it is a rare woman indeed where condoms don't agree with her and they need to think with their head and not their penis. Condom or no sex.

I am the product of a man believing a woman when she said she was on the pill.

Obviously it has to be the woman's final say over whether she has the baby or not but I can't help feeling where she has trapped them she shouldn't get any money. Either the man is obligated to pay into a savings account for the child when older or pay direct for things the child needs.

I wrote an article on how unfair abortion can be on men years and years ago and my point then still stands today but where the woman keeps the baby too.

CripsSandwiches · 11/06/2019 17:29

It was a dishonest thing to do, but birth control isn't ever 100% especially when you are putting the burden on someone else to take care of it all.

That's a ridiculous argument. That's like me saying "sorry I crashed into you over while drink driving but even sober people have accidents and you knew the risks when you went out in your car at night".

It's one thing to accept the small risk of pregnancy due to contraceptive failure and quite another to accept the almost certainty of getting pregnant without using any contraceptives.

JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 17:32

Laws need to change so men and women are treated equally when a party lies about contraception

They absolutely shouldn’t because the consequences are not the same.

That's a ridiculous argument

It’s the argument that acknowledges biology. A man has ONE chance to prevent pregnancy. Before he penetrates the woman. If a pregnancy would be a disaster, the only sensible course of action for a man is using a condom.

Not least because the pill doesn’t protect against STDs.

ReapersHowler · 11/06/2019 17:36

No. It’s false equivalency.

Explain how please? They both end up with an unwanted pregnancy led to by deceit.

So much victim blaming on here. This is why MN has a reputation for hating men.

mimibunz · 11/06/2019 17:36

Break up with her and make arrangements to pay child support.

CripsSandwiches · 11/06/2019 17:36

JacquesHammer
What a stupid, stupid argument. Completely insane. You'd be fine presumably with a man (let's say he's a virgin and definitely STD free) lying about his condom use. A woman has other forms of contraception available so she should use them if pregnancy would be such a disaster right?

Sofasurfingsally · 11/06/2019 17:40

I've known this happen, where the woman had decided to become pregnant on purpose, where I live. More than once, sadly. It is completely inexcusable as moral behaviour, but I have told my sons that it is always a possibility. That if they want to be sure, they must take precautions for themselves. Otherwise they are trusting their contraceptive choices to the woman.

BottleOfJameson · 11/06/2019 17:40

In the situation of an unwanted pregnancy I would much much rather be the woman. That way I can decide whether or not to keep the baby. When the baby is born (if I decide to continue the pregnancy) I will automatically have custody and control of the baby's environment.

So while essentially tricking someone into a pregnancy isn't exactly the same for a man or a woman it's plain idiotic to assume the situation is worse for a woman in that situation than a man.

When someone decides to have sex they weigh up the risks and make a decision about which risks are acceptable to them. If you deliberately with hold knowledge from your partner (whether it's about contraception, STD status, fertility) you are removing their ability to weigh up the risks and therefore their ability to consent to sex.

JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 17:42

What a stupid, stupid argument. Completely insane. You'd be fine presumably with a man (let's say he's a virgin and definitely STD free) lying about his condom use. A woman has other forms of contraception available so she should use them if pregnancy would be such a disaster right

Come back when you understand biology, k?

JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 17:43

Explain how please? They both end up with an unwanted pregnancy led to by deceit

Who is a pregnancy the biggest risk for?
Who is parenthood the biggest risk for?

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