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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

466 replies

imlookingforadvice · 11/06/2019 15:55

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 11/06/2019 17:46

It's very strange that anyone shitty enough to do this, wouldn't also say 'the pill must have failed/I had a stomach upset/I only forgot once' or any of the other of the other genuine, and blame-absolving reasons why contraception had failed.

Instead she just tells the OP she jacked in the pill ages ago which will cause an absolute riot and a MN pile on.

Why do you think she did that OP?

Booboosweet · 11/06/2019 17:46

If a man trapped a woman into pregnancy, most people would understand if she had an abortion. Whereas he is immediately expected to step up and be a dad. It's about unfair. Definitely have a paternity test as soon as the baby is born.

Booboosweet · 11/06/2019 17:47

*a bit

JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 17:47

This is why MN has a reputation for hating men

“Wear a condom if pregnancy would be a disaster” isn’t man-hating. It’s man helping.

Pinkmouse6 · 11/06/2019 17:48

If we ever get to a point where the male pill or injection comes to exist, would you trust a man you had known for two months who told you not to bother taking your contraceptive because he was using the pill?

No, almost definitely not.

funinthesun19 · 11/06/2019 17:48

If there is one thing I will tell my sons when they’re older is to use a condom whether the woman says she’s “on the pill” or not. The fact is you don’t know whether she’s telling the truth or not, and women do lie about it.

magoria · 11/06/2019 17:49

Unfortunately you now have another child on the way. There is nothing you can do about that apart from be the best father you can and pay what you have to.

Next partner insist on condoms or if you are sure you want no more DC get yourself on the list for a vasectomy.

ConcreteUnderpants · 11/06/2019 17:52

Instead she just tells the OP she jacked in the pill ages ago which will cause an absolute riot and a MN pile on. Why do you think she did that OP?

I agree , Groggy. Most curious.
Perhaps we should wait for Christmas and the OP can come back with a CSA bashing thread...

managedmis · 11/06/2019 17:54

I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!

^

So you were on male contraception then?

Also, not keen on the language : 'strict' - that worked out well, eh, matey?

managedmis · 11/06/2019 17:54

This is why MN has a reputation for hating men

“Wear a condom if pregnancy would be a disaster” isn’t man-hating. It’s man helping.

^^
Man helping indeed. They need it, poor little souls.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2019 17:55

OP not back. How astonishing.

MrsxRocky · 11/06/2019 18:00

I think it's rank. Like a form of rape. It's actually classed as sexual assault if a man removes condom without women's knowledge or consent.
I think same should apply when women get pregnant on purpose

LimeKiwi · 11/06/2019 18:02

You were a fool to place so much trust in a person you barely knew

What's that phrase used on MN a lot?
Oh yeah. Victim blaming.
FFS, OP used protection.
Disgusting of his partner to just stop using any without telling him.

DoneLikeAKipper · 11/06/2019 18:03

rape. It's actually classed as sexual assault if a man removes condom without women's knowledge or consent.

That’s because condoms are the only way to prevent STDs. To not wear a condom and pass on a disease intentionally is assault.

I think same should apply when women get pregnant on purpose

How would a court of law be able to prove that it was 100% intentional?

JacquesHammer · 11/06/2019 18:04

OP used protection

No. He didn’t.

The ONLY way a man can use protection is by using a condom

ChewbaccaHutchinsCool · 11/06/2019 18:05

WTAF? A form of rape? He consented to sex with no condom. Consented. In no way is it rape or man bashing or victim blaming to say if you are male and don't want kids, you insist on condom use every single time, forgo sex or get a vasectomy and still use a condom.

DoneLikeAKipper · 11/06/2019 18:05

@MrsTerryPratchett, isn’t it just? I’m sure they’ll be back to throw more fuel... I mean put another thought forward when they have a chance.

managedmis · 11/06/2019 18:06

Rather goady, MrsxRocky. Playing to your audience?

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2019 18:08

Yes @DoneLikeAKipper they could throw a few breadcrumbs. Keep the women frothing.

LimeKiwi · 11/06/2019 18:09

If this was roles reversed and it was a male purposely tampering with the birth control and not telling his female partner with the goal to get her pregnant there would absolute outcry on this site

Completely agree, the double standards on here never disappoint.
We were using condoms but dp sneaked it off halfway through"

"It's your own fault for putting your trust in a new partner, you should have been on the pill."
Yeah, that'd have been the response, I'm sure.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2019 18:12

Removing a condom = twice life threatening (sexual diseases and pregnancy). Also financially and emotionally abusive.

Lying about the pill = Financially and emotionally abusive.

Not the same. Still bad, but not the same.

Pumperthepumper · 11/06/2019 18:13

A pregnancy/birth is a massive toll on the woman, it’s absolutely not the same thing to pretend that a man deliberately getting a woman pregnant is the same as a woman deliberately getting pregnant. You surely cannot believe it’s the same thing?

Plus removing a condom is not the same as not taking the pill. If the OP didn’t want children he could have worn a condom. He could have had a vasectomy. She’s dishonest but he’s careless and stupid.

ReapersHowler · 11/06/2019 18:13

Who is a pregnancy the biggest risk for?
Who is parenthood the biggest risk for?

Who took that calculated risk by deciding to deceive their partner? Who chose to get pregnant by coercing a man into having sex with her by lying? OP wouldn't have slept with her if she had told him she wasn't on the pill.

ReapersHowler · 11/06/2019 18:15

Plus removing a condom is not the same as not taking the pill. If the OP didn’t want children he could have worn a condom. He could have had a vasectomy.

So if a woman doesn't want to get pregnant she should be on the pill or have a tubal ligation? Doesn't matter than if a man with no STD's sneaks the condom off.

DoneLikeAKipper · 11/06/2019 18:16

Yeah, that'd have been the response, I'm sure.

And why shouldn’t it be? In terms of fertility and sex, it is an individual responsibility. If you 100% do not want a child, then it is up to you to make sure you are as protected as you can be and not rely on another person - especially one you hardly know - to be totally covered. The op has produced two children, he knows he is an fertile man, he doesn’t want a baby with a woman he barely knows - he should use that information to protect himself.