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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how you would feel if you found out your DP cross dressed?

254 replies

BalletBunting · 11/06/2019 14:55

And by cross dressing I just mean occasionally wearing some make up/skirts/dresses/heels. Would it bother you? I was reading a thread of women who'd been through that experience, and I realised myself that the idea of DH doing it makes my skin crawl, although I can't quite pin point why.

OP posts:
RottnestFerry · 12/06/2019 07:40

Why do people keep mentioning a huge secret kept for years?

It could just be a sudden and recent urge.

Far2go46 · 12/06/2019 07:43

So if he keeps it a secret LTB, if he tells you LTB. No wonder it gets kept a secret.

Shequakes · 12/06/2019 07:44

RottnestFerry because more often than not, its something that have been aware of of at least dabbled in before speaking to their partner.

Not always but more often than not.

Shequakes · 12/06/2019 07:46

So if he keeps it a secret LTB, if he tells you LTB. No wonder it gets kept a secret.

Or just be honest and accept that people have a right to decide wether that's something they want to be involved with or not.

Rather than just hiding it and not being honest.

The fact that someone wont like something, isnt an excuse to keep it secret. The other person in the relationship shouldnt have something hidden from them and not allow them to choose for themseleves.

XXcstatic · 12/06/2019 07:46

But the secret, sexual aspect of it would. It's about a porn-stereotype of womanhood, rather than a David Bowie/Brian Molko kind of revolutionary masculinity. The first isn't attractive, the second is

This. It's not the cross-dressing itself that's an issue, it's what it reveals about the man's attitude to women and the sexual fetish element. There is nothing less fanciable than a man who is aroused by the sight of himself dolled up as a crude parody of a woman.

EmperorBallpitine · 12/06/2019 07:50

I had boyfriends in my youth who dabbled in an androgynous, make up, fur coats and girls t shirts kind of a way, so I have slept with someone wearing nail varnish...... But it wasn't my favorite bit about them. I think it would bother me if it had been a secret dirty thing, like wearing my stuff in secret, because that's a bit of a personal violation. Plus maybe i might be disappointed that he wasn't who I thought he was.

BigGreenOlives · 12/06/2019 07:51

Dealbreaker for me.

I’d be out of the marriage in a shot. I have two friends whose husbands are/were tranvestites. One divorced, they had small children, he’d been screwing around while she was still in hospital recovering from a c-section, then he wanted to wear women’s clothes after work. Life is short but it is not that short.

Other woman has been married to a transvestite for 30 odd years, tolerates his kink, refused to have children with him & has said that if he gets breast implants she’s off, so far he hasn’t.

Grew up knowing one of our neighbours was a transvestite, nothing to do with us what they did at home, he was v high up in the legal system.

EmperorBallpitine · 12/06/2019 07:51

Kind of cross post xxcstatic. Agree!

Far2go46 · 12/06/2019 07:53

You don't get to choose what turns you on (this goes both ways I know). I don't think it has anything to do with my attitude to women. Just surprised by the depth of feeling, sorry.

MenstruatorExtraordinaire · 12/06/2019 07:55

They all look so ridiculous it would be a bye bye from me. I have a very male male though so I know for a fact he wouldn't be into it.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 12/06/2019 07:56

Nope. I know we're expected to be happy with any old shit people want to do these days but I prefer my partners not to be into this kind of thing. Funny how cross dressers don't seem that interested in dressing up in primark leggings and a t shirt with bleach stains on it for cleaning the bathroom.

madcatladyforever · 12/06/2019 08:04

I married a big hairy biker so when he started wearing makeup, false breasts, latex corsets and high heels it was a total turn off.
I simply couldn't bring myself to touch him anymore and that was the end of our marriage. Shame he chose that lifestyle over me as I'd been loyal to him for almost 20 years. Idiot.

NaturalBornWoman · 12/06/2019 08:14

Deal breaker for me. Not a sexual fetish I would accommodate in my marriage. And far2go it wouldn't be fun for me. You and yours crack on with whatever turns you on as long as she's not being manipulated or coerced.

GruciusMalfoy · 12/06/2019 08:18

It's an absolute turn off for me, so it would affect how I saw him. I couldn't stay in the relationship. I fancy women, but men dressed up in women's clothing have nothing to do with this.

Stillneedwillpower · 12/06/2019 08:35

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Men in drag do nothing for me sexually; I would find it ridiculous, repulsive and a massive turn off.

That said, long hair and a bit of eyeliner, and clothes not obviously from the female dept, (so more goth), might not bother me if I met them like that & so was aware from the start.

As pp have said, the motivation behind it would also matter. Doing it for style/comfort...possibly ok; getting aroused by it or wanting to 'be a woman',... no way.

A man's pornified idea of a woman, full make up, dresses or women's underwear....no way. Yuck!

Pollypenguin01 · 12/06/2019 08:49

I’m a bi woman so in theory I would be absolutely fine with DH wearing women’s clothes and makeup but actually I’m not!

This thread has made me realise I’m actually quite inflexible in how I would want my DH to behave whilst he is obviously fairly liberal marrying a bisexual woman. Although I suppose it doesn’t make a huge amount of difference to him as I’m obviously not out shagging women on the weekend. I have absolutely nothing against cross dressing at all but I think it would be a deal breaker for me which seems rather hypocritical but of me when I’m perhaps not the ‘norm’ either.

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 12/06/2019 08:53

'I’m a bi woman so in theory I would be absolutely fine with DH wearing women’s clothes and makeup but actually I’m not! '

I don't think your sexual preference is relevant at all. Womens bodies are curvaceous, soft, sensual and erotic. Men's bodies dressed up in fishnets and a wig are none of those things.

RottnestFerry · 12/06/2019 09:28

RottnestFerry because more often than not, its something that have been aware of of at least dabbled in before speaking to their partner.

I must admit I have dabbled. Me and my sister made up each other's faces with mum's lipstick and then teetered around our bedroom in her high heels. It was a great laugh. I was about five at the time.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 12/06/2019 09:29

"Womens bodies are curvaceous, soft, sensual and erotic. Men's bodies dressed up in fishnets and a wig are none of those things."

Why can't men's bodies be those things?

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/06/2019 09:34

I love my husband but we wouldn't be having sex again. We have always been open with each other and if I found out this was a lie all the closeness and trust would begin.

OldAndWornOut · 12/06/2019 09:34

Possibly I might overlook it if it was kept strictly for times when I wasn't around, but there is no way I would want to see it.
I like big beardy men, so..

AhhhHereItGoes · 12/06/2019 09:44

No, don't think I could get on board with this.

I think a big part of it is DH is very non feminine so it would really be out of character.

I'm bisexual but I don't think that counts. I find men attractive and I find women attractive. I'm not attracted to someone who looks male (beard/stubble, broad shoulders, chest hair, male anatomy) wearing female clothing.

I think another element is the uncanny valley-esque way it appears.

Perhaps if I knew from the start, but I'm just not sure. I probably wouldn't divorce him as if it was genuinely something he felt comfortable in I couldn't hate him for it. My sexual feelings would probably go though.

Something that also bothers me is that it may feel like a bastardised stereotype of a promiscuous woman. As a woman I dislike the idea of a man getting turned on by being objectified when real woman fight to not be objectified, if that makes sense?

Strugglingtodomybest · 12/06/2019 10:14

I'm the same as many pps, But the secret, sexual aspect of it would. It's about a porn-stereotype of womanhood, rather than a David Bowie/Brian Molko kind of revolutionary masculinity. The first isn't attractive, the second is

dodgeballchamp · 12/06/2019 10:27

If someone has been keeping a secret and then starts behaving abusively in addition to cross dressing, then obviously that’s a problem, I don’t think anyone would argue that.

But comments like being repulsed at the cross dressing in and of itself, and thinking cross-dressing men are ineffectual males - to me, that’s bigotry. Of course you shouldn’t date people you don’t find attractive but presumably you’re going around thinking this about all cross dressing males?

Personally I find aggressive heterosexuality, and people who want to stick rigidly within gender norms like ‘only men can do/wear this’ and vice versa, a huge turn-off, so I wouldn’t want to date someone like that. A man in a dress is still a man - and even if he didn’t feel fully male, so what? Providing there is no abuse, cheating, lying - all of which are a problem in any situation, not just cross dressing - then I really struggle to understand the revulsion towards the idea of men in women’s clothes. It’s fine not to want to have a relationship with someone like that but to call them eunuchs and say any man who does this is someone defective is on par with calling gay men the f-word imo

BogstandardBelle · 12/06/2019 10:27

Definitely different types of cross dressing being discussed here.

Gender-bending a la Bowie - yep, I can see the attraction in this one

Metalheads / moshers / emo / goth men wearing eyeliner and nail varnish - yep, and went out with a few men in this category

And men dressing as highly sexualised, porn-inspired stereotypes of femininity because they get a sexual thrill from it - this is the category that DP fell into. It hurt me for many reasons. When I saw him all dressed up in high heels, fishnets, suspenders and a corset etc all I could think of was "really? This is what you think being a woman means? what the fuck do you think being a woman actually involves? "

Funny how cross dressers don't seem that interested in dressing up in primark leggings and a t shirt with bleach stains on it for cleaning the bathroom. This.