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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how you would feel if you found out your DP cross dressed?

254 replies

BalletBunting · 11/06/2019 14:55

And by cross dressing I just mean occasionally wearing some make up/skirts/dresses/heels. Would it bother you? I was reading a thread of women who'd been through that experience, and I realised myself that the idea of DH doing it makes my skin crawl, although I can't quite pin point why.

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 11/06/2019 20:59

I’d divorce him.

n0ne · 11/06/2019 21:04

Wouldn't bother me - I like a bit of genderbending. But then I'm not exactly hetero.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2019 21:11

100% deal breaker.

Far2go46 · 11/06/2019 23:11

Thank you OldraverSmile

RagingWhoreBag · 11/06/2019 23:16

I agree with PPs actually that motivation makes a difference - a man in a dress a la Kurt Cobain = hot man in unconventional clothes. Man in a dress, high heels and make up saying call me Shirley = delusional fetishist.

One I could find attractive, one I definitely wouldn’t, not so much because of the clothes themselves, but the attitude towards themselves and women that go along with the clothes.

Far2go46 · 11/06/2019 23:19

I'm really surprised about the vitriol in this thread. Just for the record, I'm a man who occasionally cross dresses, just as a sex thing, I happy with the body I have, I don't want to be a woman. My partner accepts and enjoys this with me as I enjoy the things that turn her on. Why wouldn't you want to please your partner if you can. Life's short, enjoy it.

Oyu · 11/06/2019 23:31

My long term partner dresses up occasionally. We have been in a sexual relationship on and off for twenty years and have experimented with most things. We aren't married or living together so suspect we can be very open about our preferences.

TinselAngel · 11/06/2019 23:40

I was reading a thread of women who'd been through that experience

Insensitive trivialising of the experience of women, many of whom have had their lives devastated by their husbands' lying, pushing their boundaries, and often expecting them to put up with their stunning and brave transition journey.

Respect the choices and experiences of the women who have been through this rather than treating it as amusing froth to chat about.

jennymanara · 11/06/2019 23:41

fartogo46 Because life is about far more than "pleasing my partner". What I want counts.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/06/2019 00:28

I think I would be shocked, the relationship would eventually break down, as with most things boundaries get pushed.
Cross once a week to once a week, I worked with a gentleman he was very submissive, he confided in me at a meeting, though I had inkling, he like to cross dress occasionally, A couple of years later he fully transitioned to Lisa.
Knowing his situation, it would make it hard for me to except and stay with DP.
He wouldn't really be DP anymore.
It would be a matter of time before he wanted to venture out in a far town as a woman.

RagingWhoreBag · 12/06/2019 00:29

I wonder Far2go46 if you’d find it a turn on if your partner put a fake moustache on and a banana down her pants and started acting in a dominating way? Just out of interest would you find that sexy or fun if she did that to get herself in the mood? (Presuming that you’re not bi and that you are usually attracted to traditionally feminine women)

They say that sexuality is a spectrum - some people are straight, some gay, many are somewhere in between, with a preference for one but an interest in certain aspects of another.

I’m a very straight woman, I don’t find any women attractive, I’ve never been curious, or kissed a girl, or had a ‘girl crush’ on another woman.

My preference is for totally Hetero traditionally masculine men. The idea of a feminine man, or one who dallies in cross dressing makes me feel the same way a straight man might feel about kissing another man or touching a man’s penis. The very opposite of turned on.

It’s not really a huge leap for you to imagine the thought of being in a sexual situation with someone who is the very opposite of what you like, and to imagine how that might make you feel if there were an expectation that, because they’re your partner, you should still want to get physical with them.

The question was asked, people are answering honestly, and for some that means a very visceral reaction of discomfort.

I’m sorry if that offends you, luckily your partner has a different set of expectations about her relationship and has a wider set of sexual preferences which allow you to express yourself in a way you enjoy, without compromising her enjoyment.

CheshireChat · 12/06/2019 00:37

I'm not sure I'd mind actually, though DP would make a terrible 'woman', but it depends what it would entitle in practice really

BlackPrism · 12/06/2019 00:40

Honestly horrified. It would just be a massive turn off and I couldn't find him sexual without the ick. I love him to pieces but he'd be the same if I wanted to wear a beard and peg him.

I'm also bi so it's not that I don't find women attractive I just couldn't with my DP. He's not a big macho man, his mates are mostly women, he's thoughtful and kind and sensitive but he doesn't want to wear my bra for no bloody reason. I love drag but it's not something I find sexually attractive and I don't want to be in a sexless partnership.

EC22 · 12/06/2019 00:41

I would definitely mind, I would be pretty horrified and as much as I love him I would find this a real turn off, possibly a deal breaker.

OwlBeThere · 12/06/2019 00:47

i would be sad he didn't think he could tell me, but wearing a dress and some make up really wouldn't bother me in the slightest bit.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 12/06/2019 00:49

Why wouldn't you want to please your partner if you can. Life's short, enjoy it.

Because if something turns me off it's not enjoyable. Pretty straightforward.

I'm assuming you don't find all potential sexual interests or acts equally arousing. Why should women? There's no "vitriol" in saying something turns you off.

isabellerossignol · 12/06/2019 01:59

Why wouldn't you want to please your partner if you can. Life's short, enjoy it.

I could just as equally say that in reverse. If my husband fancied cross dressing (which thankfully he doesn't) he knows that I'd be repulsed by it. So if he cares about me why would he want to do something that he knows I would find upsetting?

Seren85 · 12/06/2019 02:25

I grew up with men wearing eyeliner and painting their nails (mosher culture) but it was an expression of themselves, they didn't want to dress as women. I'd be shocked as we've been together a long time, I'd be sad as so many men seem to want to dress in a way women don't usually dress and I would expect him to not think that way. I'd leave unless it wasn't a kink and he did it alone and I never heard about it. There would be no shopping together and it would not be in my bedroom.

OneInAMillionYou · 12/06/2019 03:08

I would be another hot footing it to the solicitor's office as quickly as possible. I would be utterly repulsed and furious that such a fundamental part of him had been hidden from me.
The secrecy takes away my reasonable choice to decide who I want to be with. I'm not lesbian or bisexual.

The male cross dresser above who said that wives should accept and try and make their husbands happy with the cross dressing. FUCK THAT. Typical male arrogance denying female rights to choose their partner, saying it whilst wearing a skirt and lipstick doesn't make that any more acceptable.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 12/06/2019 03:35

It really depends.

I don't think there's anything wrong with men wearing what we perceive as "women's" clothes or make up. My husband will put on bb cream if we are going out, but this is normal in the country he is from and not considered to be a woman's thing.

He's a big chunky fella though and would look really awkward in women's clothes.

If he just fancied wearing a skirt, I'd be ok with it. As a fetish or as some kind of pornified version of woman though? No. Just disgusting.

sugartitz · 12/06/2019 06:51

It would be a relationship ender for me, however shocking that may seem. I would find it sexually revolting because I like men, not men in dresses

SophoclesTheFox · 12/06/2019 07:24

Like PPs, for me it would depend on the motivation.

Dressing in typically women’s clothes: fine. I’ve had exes who would wear dresses and make up, go to Rocky Horror etc and that’s all good with me. I used to help an ex dress up for his gigs, full on 90s gender bending dress, make up and beard combo - and he looked HOT.

Dressing “as a woman”, eg with a sexualised, fetishistic component: not at all fine with me. Because of what it would say about how he viewed women. And if it came with a side order of “if you loved me, you would”, as illustrated by far2go, then it would be a deal breaker.

LenizarLyublyu · 12/06/2019 07:27

Honestly? My first thought would be maybe he could wear the skirt and I'll get the strap-on. It's a little fantasy of mine actually.

LenizarLyublyu · 12/06/2019 07:29

I guess I would consider him in line with an eunuch, an ineffectual male.

Why? Feminine and masculine clothing is arbitrary and based on gender norms. There's no reason why men shouldn't wear dresses, nothing about it stops them being male people. Are masculine-dressing women not women too?

MaryPopppins · 12/06/2019 07:33

The thought also makes me feel very uncomfortable.

But half of it is because it would have been a huge secret for him to keep for the last 15 years and because I'd then worry he was gay and not attracted to me anymore.

Also he's a tall, handsome man and I in no way want him to be a woman.

But I wouldn't want to be without him over something that hadn't caused anyone any harm. I'm sure we'd word through it.

But it would upset me.