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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was being unreasonable - vegetarian or host?

999 replies

neverendingflorist · 11/06/2019 14:16

Going to try and keep this as short as possible.

Person A invited a group of people over for dinner, including person B who is a vegetarian. A didn't know B was a vegetarian at the time, but B let A know when accepting the invite. A said this was fine. A made lasagna for everyone for dinner, subbing the meat out for roasted veggies for B to make a separate dish. When dinner came round A explained to B what she had made for her and explained what it contained including parmesan cheese. B said sorry, she could not eat it as parmesan is not vegetarian. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

So who was being unreasonable? I am aware this is pretty much a non-event and should not have escalated in to a big disagreement, but I am interested on general opinions.

OP posts:
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12
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 11/06/2019 15:54

I feel for A, bit wouldn't have eaten it in B's position (I'm vegan). I'd have been emphatically keen to bring a vegan dish to share, for this very reason - saves people upset!

Deuxcaggages · 11/06/2019 15:54

@jaxhog. if the host had explained they where cooking 'Italian' then I would let them know about the parmesan, because I understand that not everyone would be aware that it contained rennet.
You can't provide a list of everything that contains meat by-products to a host, without still looking like a bit of a twat albeit for different reasons.

Buccanarab · 11/06/2019 15:54

I'm not sure what I find more shocking.

The amount of people who seem to think someone should just suspend their beliefs because a host can't be arsed checking what they're serving is actually suitable for them or the amount of vegetarians who can't even be arsed checking what they eat is actually vegetarian.

Kisskiss · 11/06/2019 15:56

B was rude. If in doubt, she should communicate her special needs, not everyone knows about rennet and Parmesan. A made a special effort to make a special dish for B and it would have been polite to not make a fuss about an honest mistake!
Ps B saying it would take too long to list what’s not ok for her is ridiculous. It would take less time to do the list than it did for A to go grocery shopping and cook Bs special lasagne ...

CatOnASwing · 11/06/2019 15:56

@Buccanarab

Quite.

Banhaha · 11/06/2019 15:57

I'm a meat eater and I've known about the not all cheese being vegetarian since being taught it at school and am surprised by so many people not knowing. Maybe not all schools teach how it's made? Maybe they should.

INeedNewShoes · 11/06/2019 15:57

Jaxhog - vegans don't eat cheese at all unless it's 'cheese' made from coconut milk and a heap of salt. How can a vegan eat parmesan? Even without thinking about the rennet, parmesan is cheese, made from dairy.

I don't know any vegans that would eat cheese of any sort, even to be polite. They wouldn't be vegan if they did.

I have to admit though that I've known plenty of gelatine munching, parmesan eating vegetarians over the years, maybe blissfully unaware of the origin of these foods...

saraclara · 11/06/2019 15:58

It world never occur to me to Google an ingredient that I already assumed to be vegetarian. We don't know what we don't know, as the saying goes. There are three vegetarians in my extended family that I've been catering for for decades, and this has never come up. They've eaten everything I've ever cooked with cheese, so it wouldn't occur to be not to use parmesan for a veggie guest.

MadameButterface · 11/06/2019 16:00

haha it always amazes me people who obviously quite fancy themselves as cooks don't know the basic ingredients of what they're proudly setting down in front of people, then kick off because of an awkward situation their own ignorance caused

there was one the other month in a mood because a visiting child didn't want pasta and pesto despite being told child didn't eat dairy - she didn't know most pesto had cheese in, and of course mn was lining up to denounce the rude bratty behaviour of the poor child whose dietary preferences she had ignored

makes me think their cooking can't be up to much tbh

TacoLover · 11/06/2019 16:00

Posters are suggesting that it's the vegetarian's fault because she wasn't specific enough/didn't explicitly spell it out to the host. What did you expect her to say? She's already said she's vegetarian, and parmesan contains rennet aka cow stomach. Did you expect her to specifically mention that she doesn't eat parmesan? How was she supposed to know that the host was planning on serving parmesan?

Bumper1969 · 11/06/2019 16:04

B

GraceSlicksRabbit · 11/06/2019 16:07

Moneybegreen

I had no idea parmesan wasn't vegetarian. How would a non-vegetarian know that?

The packaging will tell you, if bought from a U.K. supermarket. Processed/prepared products suitable for vegetarians have a green tick and the word “suitable for vegetarians” written on then. If it doesn’t say suitable then it isn’t. It’s not something you’d notice unless you were looking. It’s on wine, cheese, all sorts of things that can (but don’t always) use animal products in their preparation. I only know from years of shopping for a vegetarian partner.

Theworldisfullofgs · 11/06/2019 16:10

As a matter of interest, most wine isn't vegetarian.

tenredthings · 11/06/2019 16:11

B should have eaten it as the host went out her way to try and accommodate her.

Fraxion · 11/06/2019 16:11

B should have told A what she can and cannot eat. I'm vegetarian but it wasn't a lifestyle choice. I would have eaten it.

AnthonyCrowley · 11/06/2019 16:11

Dh is vegetarian and wouldn't have eaten it. He hasn't eaten meat in over 30 years and he's not going tk start because someone didn't check all labels. I can remember when we started dating and if I was cooking I would scrutinise everything, and I remember being surprised by parmasam but it clearly states on the label that it's not suitable for vegetarians. Though some are, most aren't.

nelsonmuntzslingshot · 11/06/2019 16:12

Most people are just ignorant and should know this. Its a basic level general knowledge and understanding vegetarians. Its not an extreme vegetarian position.

I think you are confusing this with most people couldn't actually give a shit but crack on.

GraceSlicksRabbit · 11/06/2019 16:14

AnthonyCrowley

*I remember being surprised by parmasam but it clearly states on the label that it's not suitable for

Are you sure? In my experience it may be lacking a label that says “suitable for vegetarians” but is unlikely to state expressly that it is NOT suitable.

rollingpine · 11/06/2019 16:16

Someone who isn't vegetarian and doesn't normally cater for anyone who is, may well not know about cheese (or indeed some alcohol). Easy mistakes to make. I didn't know the alcohol one until this thread.

The onus was on the vegetarian to point out possible pitfalls.

AnthonyCrowley · 11/06/2019 16:17

Well I certainly remember reading the label in Tesco and putting it back. It could possibly have said "contains rennet" rather than not suitable for vegetarians but it was certainly clear.

chipshopElvis · 11/06/2019 16:17

If you are preparing a meal for someone with a special dietary requirements, then you need to check all the ingredients. I'm amazed that people don't realise that all cheese is not vegetarian by now.

BlueCornishPixie · 11/06/2019 16:17

A has clearly never watched come dine with me, this is a classic mistake Grin

I think A was wrong. I think if you are going to cater for someone with dietary requirements, you have to make sure that what you are serving is actually vegetarian. Or gluten free whatever.

B told her all the information she really needed, that she was vegetarian. She doesn't really need to go into further detail because vegetarian sums it up really. The lasagne wasn't vegetarian.

If I were A, and I didn't know anything about vegetarian cooking I probably would have checked with B that what I was making was okay.

I thought it was common knowledge that some cheese isn't vegetarian, same as some alcohol etc.

RosaWaiting · 11/06/2019 16:19

I have been told off on MN for saying I'm vegetarian, because I don't check things like cheese.

I don't know what to say any more. When I became veggie years ago, it really did mean "doesn't eat meat or fish". luckily I don't eat at people's houses much or I'd feel like I was being a PITA.

tbh I think the vegetarian should have explained herself better. I can understand she doesn't want to just eat the food though.

mamaoffourdc · 11/06/2019 16:19

I'm a veggie and didn't know that!

NightWakings · 11/06/2019 16:20

As a vegetarian, my sympathies lie with B here, although A clearly made an honest mistake. I also thought it was widely known that Parmesan (and numerous other cheeses) are not vegetarian - maybe not! In B's position I probably would have eaten the meal anyway, because only I'm a horrible people pleaser (I've been known to eat soup made with chicken stock, and marshmallows in baking, when friends have presented me with these and I haven't wanted to upset them), but I don't feel good about it and would really rather not. It's no different to eating meat.