Who was being unreasonable - vegetarian or host?

[neverendingflorist]

Going to try and keep this as short as possible.

Person A invited a group of people over for dinner, including person B who is a vegetarian. A didn't know B was a vegetarian at the time, but B let A know when accepting the invite. A said this was fine. A made lasagna for everyone for dinner, subbing the meat out for roasted veggies for B to make a separate dish. When dinner came round A explained to B what she had made for her and explained what it contained including parmesan cheese. B said sorry, she could not eat it as parmesan is not vegetarian. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

So who was being unreasonable? I am aware this is pretty much a non-event and should not have escalated in to a big disagreement, but I am interested on general opinions.

I think "B" was being more unreasonable as they could have been more specific about what they are and are not allowed to eat from the start..
"A" clearly tried.
I guess "B" isn't too bothered about losing this persons friendship?

My DH has been quietly vegetarian for 55years and would not have made a fuss, he would have probably pushed the food around his plate and just ate the salad. We have friends who became vegetarian and were unbelievably vocal about animal welfare issues etc, until they converted back to eating meat about 18months later.

She does eat cheese, just not cheese made with cow’s stomach. Lots of cheeses are suitable for vegetarians.

@INeedNewShoes If I were hosting you I would expect to check myself for pulses and if I had any queries then come back to you. If you have multiple allergies then a list of allergies would be helpful and maybe a list of foods you can eat if you had loads.

But vegetarian food is so clearly labelled I wouldn't need to ask for a list.

@yearinyearout
That is because most cheese is suitable for vegetarians as it is not made with rennet. Parmesan is one of the few that isn't.

A was generous cooking special food for B. B needed to be much clearer about food they do/don't eat. It would have been so much kinder if B had simply eaten the meal.

my daughter is a vegetarian, so maybe I have more info than average but I thought everyone knew that parmesan is not vegetarian, it's about the only cheese that really doesn't have a vegetarian friendly form , you have to buy Italian style hard cheese that says its vegetarian friendly, and few supermarkets stock this , but honestly I think b had poor manners as host clearly didn't know.

my daughter would have eaten it no problem, she might have scrapped off top layer and focused on the roast veggies.

the thing is - how are you meant to know to check something if you are unaware that it might contain something you don't know about?! To many, many people cheese is made from milk - that's it. They have no idea that it might contain anything else, so would be completely unaware that they needed to check.

What if A had for some reason thought vegetarians could eat chicken but not res meat. Would you expect B to eat it then? Just because A doesn't know something isn't vegetarian doesn't mean B should eat it!

A is being unreasonable here. There are plenty of options available for vegetarians and perhaps she should have looked online for 'vegetarian meals' to ensure she's catering accordingly. B has advised A of her dietary requirements and if A wasn't sure she should have looked it up.

A was unreasonable. If she was in doubt she should have checked. If she’d have looked online for a vegetarian lasagne recipe it would clearly have told her Parmesan is not vegetarian.

I’m not vegetarian but have been shocked that hosts have served vegetarians veg cooked in the same dish as meat.

The specific mention for Parmesan is warranted because it is such a common ingredient.

Whilst I do feel for A in this situation (I only discovered the Parmesan problem a few weeks ago) I do think i would also have checked well ahead with the veggie concerned, then the veggie could have said: “ooh lovely, but no Parmesan for me thanks!”

I wouldn’t have expected the veggie to just eat it tbh. Just as I wouldn’t expect them to eat it if I’d put, I dunno, wafer thin ham in it or something.

I do a mean bread and butter though as a quick alternative - served with loads of wine.

There's been at least four vegetarians posting on here that they didn't know that Parmesan is not vegetarian, but still the self-righteous meat-eating hosts of MN are piling on to berate A for not knowing, despite the fact that "this information is in the public domain"

I think the point is, cheese was originally 'discovered' by accident when milk being transported on horseback while sealed in the stomach of calves turned into cheese.

It was pretty soon understood that it is the churning of milk in the presence of the enzymes in the lining of cow's stomachs that causes milk protein to coagulate into cheese.

Its true that since then vegetarian alternatives have been found, but to suggest that all cheese is inherently vegetarian, with Parmesan being an oddity is untrue.

Cheese isn't a vegetarian product per se, but vegetarian alternatives exist.

A should have checked the ingredient list on the cheese.

B is unreasonable. If you can't eat things you should be specific about what they are.

As a host I would have sent the vegetarian guest a list of things that I could cook for her to see if she was fine with them. It does look like B was unintentionally rude but many people use vegetarian parmesan because if the renet not only vegetarians. If it was me I would have apologised for not eating the dish and wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Same for the host.

It’s like Hardys Wine contains milk and egg. Being an ale drinker I didn’t but know this until I bought my mum a glass and she stared having an allergic reaction. The oddest stuff crops up in the strangest of places. I don’t think YWBU to not know about the rennet thing, I think she IBU to not forgive an honest mistake

I think people follow veggie /vegan diets for different reasons. I've known some to just be fussy eaters, others believe its a healthier diet, or it's a 'lifestyle choice' . I personally follow veggie diet because I don't want to support the meat industry, so I wouldn't eat parmesan. I don't ram my opinions down peoples throats and what other people eat is their own business, but I Imagine the ones saying they would just eat it, fall into one of the first few camps, which is up to them, but if you eat parmesan then you are not a vegetarian.

I frequently cater for Veggy and Vegan friends, and they all eat parmesan cheese. Although now I wonder if they are just being polite! I didn't know either.

I wouldn't say either was unreasonable, it was a misunderstanding that they'll both remember in future.

I was a vegetarian and I had NO idea about this

It sounds like it could have been handled by the vegetarian. I'm veggie, and would probably have eaten it to be polite. The parmesan was probably only on top, so I might have left that bit (and apologised profusely for being fussy).

Non veggie tried to cater for veggie. Veggie was a bit more particular than most, and was a bit rude about it by the sounds of things.

Incidentally, this is what pretty much all cheese looks like under a microscope.... I try not to think about it!

If you can't eat things you should be specific about what they are

She was, she said she was vegetarian. What's so hard to understand about this?

Jax, they probably just don’t know. I have 3 veggies in my household - two of whom have been veggie for 3+ years - and none of them knew until we saw it on some Instagram thing.

@yearinyearout

Yes but parmesan isn't vegetarian as it contains rennet.