Who was being unreasonable - vegetarian or host?

[neverendingflorist]

Going to try and keep this as short as possible.

Person A invited a group of people over for dinner, including person B who is a vegetarian. A didn't know B was a vegetarian at the time, but B let A know when accepting the invite. A said this was fine. A made lasagna for everyone for dinner, subbing the meat out for roasted veggies for B to make a separate dish. When dinner came round A explained to B what she had made for her and explained what it contained including parmesan cheese. B said sorry, she could not eat it as parmesan is not vegetarian. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

So who was being unreasonable? I am aware this is pretty much a non-event and should not have escalated in to a big disagreement, but I am interested on general opinions.

I just don’t like it when people who claim to be vegetarian eat meat. They should say they follow a ‘mainly vegetarian diet’ to make it clearer. I don’t really care what other people eat as long as they don’t force their opinion of what I should and shouldn’t be eating on me.

“I do hate the way some vegetarians insist their way is the only way and also assume that the world and his wife should know all about it.”
Well, I don’t like people doing that about anything. Fortunately none of the vegetarians I know- or, indeed any of the vegetarians who have posted on here are like that. So that’s all right then.

I believe the vegetarian is being rude. It was up to them to mention what she could eat. Most vegetarians eat cheese other wise they are vegan. I wouldn't know that Parmesan contains rennet and I don't eat meat.

My daughter and her boyfriend cooked for me and made sure they used Quorn for mine and they had chicken , after the first mouthful I asked what was in it as it was lovely, they reeled off everything including a can of chicken soup. I saw how much they had put into my meal so I ate it as not to make a massive issue. I've not had meat for 8 yrs but I would rather eat it than upset them. Yes if they had done it again then maybe I wouldn't but it was a genuine mistake.

I really feel sorry for the the host as she really tried so hard.

I invited a friend round for a meal a long time again she didn't tell me that she only ate fish , I served chicken and she didn't eat it . She was never invited again.

The veggie is a complete prat. Rude. My mother always told me eat what was given to you when a guest. I once ate aubergines at a dinner party. Yuk

B should have made A aware of what she can’t eat and if she was that fussed B could have brought her own

It’s the hosts job to check the ingredients are veggie friendly. Why would a veggie eat Parmesan just to please the incompetent host? They may as well just eat a steak.
#ignoranceisntanexcuse

My husband is vegetarian but eats Parmesan (and haribo etc).

So, once again, not a vegetarian. That’s doesn’t mean he can’t call himself a vegetarian, just that he isn’t one.

Most of my family are vegetarian but they all eat cheese, including Parmesan. I think it's unreasonable to expect a meat eater to know that a type of cheese isn't vegetarian as I bet there are loads of vegetarians that don't know either.

I'm pretty sure B won't get invited for dinner again though!

B said ‘sorry’ they couldn’t eat it so I don’t think they were being rude or in the wrong.
At the beginning A said the vegetarian request was fine and seemed happy to cook for B so the onus was on them to do their research or to have asked B for help, which they didn’t.
If B had said they had a nut allergy I’m guessing A would have done her homework on what she could/couldn’t eat so really what’s the difference?
We all have preferences.
Vegetarians don’t want to eat the stomach lining of a cow, it’s disgusting-no one should want to eat it!
Hopefully this thread has helped lots of people to learn about the ‘hidden’ ingredients in food.
Read everything and question everything!

Most people know that cheese contains animal rennet unless labelled vegetarian

Most of my family are vegetarian but they all eat cheese, including Parmesan.

As above 🙄

'The veggie is a complete prat. Rude. My mother always told me eat what was given to you when a guest. I once ate aubergines at a dinner party. Yuk'

Oh dear....

Well I’ve had a completely different experience with Parmesan and vegetarians! I went out of my way to source veggie Parmesan to make my Parmesan canapés, as well as some with normal Parmesan and made loads of nice veggie options for the 2 vegetarians coming to my party. One declared on the night that they were no longer veggie despite me specifically asking when I invited them, and the other ate the ‘meaty’ Parmesan as apparently they’re not that fussy as it’s not ‘actual’ meat. I’ve also had the same vegetarian flake out at the last minute and not show after making a huge effort for them so from now on I’ll make them a cheese sarnie if and when they actually turn up!

B is unreasonable but she hasn’t been rude
A shouldn’t describe her as such for this to become a ‘thing’

I have just asked vegetarian DD, and she said that both were being reasonable.

There seems to be a lot of ignorance on this thread. someone who doesn't eat meat or fish, but will eat cheese with animal rennet or sweets containing gelatine is not a true vegetarian.

I happen to know that Parmesan isn't vegetarian, and you can't get vegetarian parmesan because it has a protected designation of origin (PDO) and has to contain animal rennet. You can buy similar hard cheese, but it can't be called Parmesan All the value brand supermarket "parmesan" style cheeses are made from vegetable rennet as it is cheaper.DD agreed that she wouldn't expect everyone to know that.

As a host, however, I would have double checked the ingredients because I do know that not all cheeses are made with vegetable rennet.

B was being rude. If B is such a strict vegetarian (and most I know will eat parmisan...) she should have made all restrictions clear or to save any confusion, said she was vegan.

Apart from people who hate vegetarians, everyone knows there are some vegetarian cheeses and some are not.
Waiters in restaurants tend to not offer Parmesan with vegetarian meals, it's probably the most well known non-vegetarian cheese.
But if I were the vegetarian I wouldn't think the host was a bad host just ignorant.

If it was a vegan mistake it would be more understanding, but being vegetarian is far from totally ethical, and if they are happy to eat dairy and eggs, I think they should have made an exception in this case as a genuine mistake.

A made an innocent mistake which many non vegetarians make and B was rude to think A is a bad host after all this effort. B doesn’t have to eat it, but can be appreciative at least

I think the vegetarian should have made sure that the host knew about some key foods like cheese which may or may not be vegetarian. I usually just say "By the way, happy for you to check with me if it makes it easier for you, when planning the menu" or "By the way, worth checking re vege or not as some unexpected foods are not vege ...like some cheese, believe it or not!"

To my, B the vegetarian was being unreasonable.
I'm sure many vegetarians don't even know that parmesan/rennet is not vegetarian, so the host A was not expected to know.

I am a long-time vegan and if someone has kindly offered to cook for me, I feel it's my responsibility to check what they're making and whether any of the ingredients aren't suitable, or if I need to decline something due to a misunderstanding, to do so in as kind a manner as possible, so as not to make the host feel bad.

Not infrequently I will even just eat something I suspect/know isn't strictly vegan if I know the host has tried and in their honest opinion thought everything was vegan. To me that's just being a gracious guest. I hate the 'awkward vegetarian/vegan'. We're all just doing our best, and making a host who has gone out of their way to be accommodating, feel bad for an honest 'mistake' doesn't further the cause of vegetarianism. IMHO.

Apart from people who hate vegetarians, everyone knows there are some vegetarian cheeses and some are not.

Here's the thing - there's fairly clear evidence on this very thread that this is an erroneous assertion to make. Turns out some people who call themselves vegetarian didn't realise this - particularly about the parmesan.

I think vegetarian should have offered to bring a suitable dish. We have a good allergy and to make it easy on the host we cook a dish. Going to a dinner is not just the food but company. To expect the host to run like a restaurant is ridiculous. I did not know parmesan is not vegetarian. We never use it. We do use cheese but a person knows what they can eat.

Ok...so I think it’s safe to say that I will never offer to cook for a vegetarian because I had no idea there were so many other things that aren’t allowed besides meat and fish. I honestly couldn’t trust myself not to make a mistake that ends up in an embarrassing situation for all parties. I don’t think either of these people were being unreasonable really, it was a mistake. I asked six people within speaking distance at the office and none of them knew it wasn’t vegetarian including the vegetarian. She said she doesn’t really like cheese anyway so probably hasn’t eaten it but had no clue how cheese was made so no clue it wasn’t veggie. They would both be unreasonable to let a simple mistake ruin their relationship though.

If I were cooking for a vegetarian I would have served cheese thinking it was fine.
B is BU for not explaining as most veggies eat cheese.
A tried to cater for B and B should have just said it was absolutely fine, pushed the cheese aside if she really couldn’t do the decent thing and eat it, and said that the veggies were delicious.
I can’t understand why either would be annoyed at the other - sent they supposed to be friends? My friends would laugh with me over such an error no matter which, A or B.
The onus was on B to explain.