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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was being unreasonable - vegetarian or host?

999 replies

neverendingflorist · 11/06/2019 14:16

Going to try and keep this as short as possible.

Person A invited a group of people over for dinner, including person B who is a vegetarian. A didn't know B was a vegetarian at the time, but B let A know when accepting the invite. A said this was fine. A made lasagna for everyone for dinner, subbing the meat out for roasted veggies for B to make a separate dish. When dinner came round A explained to B what she had made for her and explained what it contained including parmesan cheese. B said sorry, she could not eat it as parmesan is not vegetarian. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

So who was being unreasonable? I am aware this is pretty much a non-event and should not have escalated in to a big disagreement, but I am interested on general opinions.

OP posts:
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12
LimeKiwi · 12/06/2019 12:05

Eating meat when you say you're vegetarian is what makes it really hard for actual vegetarians though - people think you're just being fussy or "course you can eat a slither of wafer thin ham, that doesn't count" or "you're vegetarian, but you still eat chicken, right?"
Er no, it's MEAT lol

Frusty · 12/06/2019 12:14

B is in the wrong - she needs to be alot clearer. Not everyone will know that vegetarians cant eat parmesan and its very silly of B to assume this. Totally her fault. A tried her best to cater for a vegetarian
What, you mean like A could have said “I’m going to make v lasagna, does that suit? Pasta, veggies, and a Parmesan sauce”. B is not a mind reader!
Can’t compute veggies who eat meat leftovers. I would as easily eat a pile of poo as meat, the thought of consuming it has become disgusting to me, very hard to follow that viewpoint. The meat in the shops is already dead whether I buy it or not too.
When eggs leave my body once a month that isn’t a period is it? So how is an egg a chicken’s period, it’s just its - egg?

frazzledasarock · 12/06/2019 12:20

A vegetarian who doesn’t eat animal product is not ‘strict’ or a ‘vegan’ or rude.

If A has trouble understanding what a vegetarian can and cannot consume she should have told B what was on the menu and listed the ingredients rather than expect B to give her an exhaustive list of ingredients she can’t eat.

And people who eat meat are not vegetarian.

sashh · 12/06/2019 12:20

I'm a vegetarian and I didn't know that about parmesan. confused I have only eaten it a couple of times decades ago though.

You do know about alcohol don't you?

B should have specified. Vegi food made by meat eaters will often incorporate cheese or egg because that's what we tend to think.

I made a vegan meal for a couple of uni friends, they supplied the pudding - it contained honey!

Things that are obvious to one person may not be to another, a muslim friend came round to dinner and I warned her the bathroom soap was home made from lard so to use the hand wash, she had never considered soap might be haram.

They will lay those eggs regardless of whether there’s a rooster around to fertilize them; so they are vegetarian as last I was aware you don’t have to kill a chicken to get them. Milk is also vegetarian for that same reason.

The actual cow producing the milk isn't killed, but her male calf is, cows don't just produce milk, they have to give birth, this is why I will happily eat veal, it's a byproduct of the milk industry.

IcelandicYoghurt · 12/06/2019 12:30

sashh but the dead calf isn't in the milk, so the milk is vegetarian. Similarly the crushed male chicks are not in the egg so the egg is vegetarian.

I think people get confused between " vegetarian" i.e. no dead animals and "ethical/cruelty free" which is clearly much broader.

Teddybear45 · 12/06/2019 12:34

@sassh - your points have nothing to do with being vegetarian.

Gth1234 · 12/06/2019 12:38

B was unreasonable., A made a good effort.

I'll have the vegetarian lasagne, please. I'll manage to force it down. B doesn't get out much, I take it.

Teddybear45 · 12/06/2019 12:39

A can’t read clearly because parmesan never has the vegetarian symbol.

Gth1234 · 12/06/2019 12:40

I think it's a bit much to claim an egg is vegetarian. Full of animal protein. Faux vegetarian.

Dungeondragon15 · 12/06/2019 12:43

What, you mean like A could have said “I’m going to make v lasagna, does that suit? Pasta, veggies, and a Parmesan sauce”. B is not a mind reader!

A probably would have asked that if B had alerted them to the fact that vegetarian doesn't just equal no meat and that there are some other things they don't eat. It's ironic that you think B shouldn't have to "read minds" but then expect A to understand the mindset of B's vegetarian diet considering (as demonstrated by this thread) it varies from person to person.

IcelandicYoghurt · 12/06/2019 12:44

Gth1234 an egg is vegetarian. It's not up for debate! As is milk (also full of animal protein).

Moanger · 12/06/2019 12:45

@CassianAndor The V on the Basics hard cheese is on the front of the packet. I’ve just looked. 🙂

Teddybear45 · 12/06/2019 12:47

So if B or B’s child had an allergy to peanuts would A be forgiven for being dumb and serving almond sauce? If not then why is it okay for her to serve B cow rennet?

Frusty · 12/06/2019 12:49

dungeondragon15 I honestly would not be so patronising to a friend as to say “vegetarians don’t just not eat meat you know”. I would tell them I’m veggie, probably offer to bring something along, and if they offered a menu suggestion I would be more specific then.

saraclara · 12/06/2019 12:49

So if B or B’s child had an allergy to peanuts would A be forgiven for being dumb and serving almond sauce? If not then why is it okay for her to serve B cow rennet?

Because a peanut allergy can result in death, and cow rennet won't?

LimeKiwi · 12/06/2019 12:53

Lesson: don't be friends with vegetarians

Or vegans, they're even worse Grin

CassianAndor · 12/06/2019 12:56

Moanger oh yes, I know, we buy this cheese. But it's not very clear on the website, and just weird that it doesn't say 'suitable for vegetarians' under Dietary Information!

I don't use online shopping and investigating this has made me even less likely to do so! I spend a lot of time looking at labels for DH and DD, doing it online would be too confusing.

Gth1234 · 12/06/2019 12:57

@IcelandicYoghurt

Faux vegetarians can claim what they like - dairy and eggs are not really vegetarian, as far as I am concerned. They are animal products - especially as many animals die in the process.

I expect leather shoes and handbags are OK for vegetarians as well, are they?

Moanger · 12/06/2019 13:01

No, I don’t like eating leather shoes or handbags.

Dungeondragon15 · 12/06/2019 13:02

I honestly would not be so patronising to a friend as to say “vegetarians don’t just not eat meat you know”. I would tell them I’m veggie, probably offer to bring something along, and if they offered a menu suggestion I would be more specific then.

You wouldn't have to say that "vegetarians" don't just not eat meat. You could say that you personally avoid some other products including some cheeses and gelatin. They would then ask you. Considering that some people who consider themselves to be vegetarian see it as just "no meat how would it be patronising?

Dungeondragon15 · 12/06/2019 13:02

I honestly would not be so patronising to a friend as to say “vegetarians don’t just not eat meat you know”. I would tell them I’m veggie, probably offer to bring something along, and if they offered a menu suggestion I would be more specific then.

You wouldn't have to say that "vegetarians" don't just not eat meat. You could say that you personally avoid some other products including some cheeses and gelatin. They would then ask you. Considering that some people who consider themselves to be vegetarian see it as just "no meat how would it be patronising?

Moanger · 12/06/2019 13:04

@CassianAndor Food labels are such a nightmare. My niece has a nut allergy so we’re very particular about reading the ingredients. You buy something in good faith and then realise later on that it says it ‘might contain nuts’ in a completely random place. There should be some consistency to food labels that make it easier for everyone to understand.

Dungeondragon15 · 12/06/2019 13:04

So if B or B’s child had an allergy to peanuts would A be forgiven for being dumb and serving almond sauce? If not then why is it okay for her to serve B cow rennet?

Do you not think that there is a bit of a difference between a food that can cause death and something that someone hasn't chosen not to eat?

phoenixrosehere · 12/06/2019 13:14

I think A should have informed B on what they were considering making and the ingredients and asked if there was anything they couldn’t have. A made assumptions about B’s vegetarianism based on their own thoughts on what they thought vegetarianism is.

If I knew my guests had things they couldn’t or didn’t eat and I wasn’t sure or wanted to be sure, I’d simply tell them what I’m making and ask if it was suitable. Or, if I didn’t know and had invited them, I’d ask beforehand.

mbosnz · 12/06/2019 13:21

Given how much virulent disagreement there is between the vegetarians among us, as to what is vegetarian, vegan, 'faux vegetarian' or flexitarian, I think it's kind of understandable that the omnivores are a touch confused. . .