Who was being unreasonable - vegetarian or host?

[neverendingflorist]

Going to try and keep this as short as possible.

Person A invited a group of people over for dinner, including person B who is a vegetarian. A didn't know B was a vegetarian at the time, but B let A know when accepting the invite. A said this was fine. A made lasagna for everyone for dinner, subbing the meat out for roasted veggies for B to make a separate dish. When dinner came round A explained to B what she had made for her and explained what it contained including parmesan cheese. B said sorry, she could not eat it as parmesan is not vegetarian. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

So who was being unreasonable? I am aware this is pretty much a non-event and should not have escalated in to a big disagreement, but I am interested on general opinions.

I hate to read about the rare entitled vegetarian eater.

B politely explained she wouldn't eat the lasagne because it contained parmesan. The argument kicked off when A said she should have provided a list of things she could/ couldn't eat. That doesn't look like entitlement to me.

I am so glad I'm dating someone who has the same dietary preferences I do. It makes life so much easier.

The vegetarian was rude and more than a little precious.

Most people have no idea how cheese is made, and from what.

It was initially a mix up. The vegetarian wasn't rude at all. So many people have such a huge chip on their shoulder when it comes to veggies/vegans.

OP is definitely B as she hasn't been back since everyone pointed out her rudeness.

If she was A she'd have been straight back to agree with everyone and say 'Yes I was VERY surprised she was so rude!'

@theclitterati. The people you’ve known that eat rennet and gelatine where not vegetarians.
If you’re serving food to a veggie, it’s best to stick to vegetarian society definition of one, not whatever loose interpretation of one you have previously encountered.

Oh well it's not for me to tell them if they are veggie or not.

If she's vegetarian then of course she wouldnt eat it.
In the same way she wouldnt eat it if you accidentally put chicken in it

I don't think person B is going to get invited to many dinners in the future.

Obviously it would be different if it was an allergy to an ingredient but it is very rude for someone to pick holes in what sounds like a very nice effort for a vegetarian alternative.

If person B's principles are so pure that they couldn't bring themselves to eat the parmesan (no I didn't know that either and I was a vegetarian myself for a few years albeit before the internet) then they should have been gracious and polite about it and ultimately made peace with the fact it was their choice they were going hungry.

Life must be pretty miserable for person B, I can't imagine there are many places they can travel or go for dinner even without being 100%sure their lofty principles weren't being compromised.

Sounds like it started as a genuine mistake, in that cheeses are often vegetarian. But if B was very rude and blunt in saying she can't eat it, and A was defensive, there's your problem.

Ultimately A should have checked the ingredients were suitable, and assuming she bought her Parmesan from the supermarket and not naked from a fancy deli it would have listed animal rennet on the packaging. However, if B was stroppy snot saying she couldn't eat it, then I can understand A feeling hurt. Presumably B could have had something to eat, salad and bread, some other alternative, and A could have been apologetic rather than cross. Tricky one, but I think the problem here is manners not menu.

This is Mumsnet. The vegetarian is in the wrong. But not as much in the wrong as she would be if she was a vegan.

For once I agree with @BertrandRussell

As soon as A found out B was vegetarian she should have rescinded the invitation.

Problem solved.

The vegetarian was being ridiculous. They should have just eaten it without making a fuss. If they were on a desert island with nothing to eat but parmesan, would they not eat it then?

Obviously it would be different if it was an allergy to an ingredient but it is very rude for someone to pick holes in what sounds like a very nice effort for a vegetarian alternative*

WTAF???? On what planet is a persons moral/ethical/health reasons to not eat a certain thing looked down on in this way?? Why is it so so different if it's an allergy.

I am vegetarian. If somebody serves me a meal containing products from a dead animal then morally and ethically I cannot eat it. Would you say the same to a Muslim turning down a bacon buttie?? "Oh but I tried so hard to make this bacon sandwich, can't you just be polite and eat it?" Ffs the mind boggles.

Assuming the parmesan was on the top, vegetarian could have just scraped it off and eaten the rest.
I'm vegetarian, dairy intolerant and have a couple of other food allergies. I always offer to take a dish if invited to someone's house. If they are happy to cater, I do explain what I can't eat as well as what I won't eat

@cricketmum84 of course it's completely different to having an allergy. Are you for real?
And it's people like you that makes me know in that situation I would have uninvited the vegetarian! It's a bloody choice, people don't have a choice to have an allergy

@broken1982 so what you are essentially saying is that you don't respect other people's choices? And feel that others should put their own ethics and morals to one side to not upset your dinner party. (Unless we are allergic of course....)

Don't worry love I wouldn't accept an invitation from someone like you anyway. I prefer to keep the company of slightly more respectful and kind people.

How Parmesan is made (not sure how a vegetarian would ever eat this):

In the case of Parmesan, and most cheeses, that rennet is ritually procured from the one of the four stomachs of a calf.
For this, the baby cow is killed merely so it’s stomach can be taken and split open, dried, cut into cubes and added to the cheese to curdle it.
This stomach’s enzyme is so intrinsic to the production of Parmesan that it cannot legally be called Parmesan unless it contains cows milk, salt and calf rennet.

Obviously it would be different if it was an allergy to an ingredient but it is very rude for someone to pick holes in what sounds like a very nice effort for a vegetarian alternative

That mumsnet thing of reading an OP and then just making stuff up to reply to.

Where did OP say person B picked holes in the meal? She just said "sorry I can't eat that", which is the kind of thing you expect a vegetarian to say when presented with a non-vegetarian meal!

It's a bit like the episode of the royle family when they are first introduced to Emma the vegetarian.
Nana "can she have some wafer thin ham?"

I'd be absolutely mortified as a host to have offended a person's dietar preferences in such a way. That's whether they are religious, medical, or ethical.

But coming from the other side of things, it is very easy to give offence without meaning to do so, while acting from a place of total good faith.

So there has to be a bit of good grace and humour on both sides.

Yeah pretty much exactly what I'm saying, but you wouldn't have been invited in the first place @cricketmum84
Especially ones that think a choice is equal to having an allergy

I don't entertain anyway... deffo this thread makes me want to keep up that habit.

@broken1982 and you ask if I am for real 😂😂😂😂😂

How Parmesan is made (not sure how a vegetarian would ever eat this):

In the case of Parmesan, and most cheeses, that rennet is ritually procured from the one of the four stomachs of a calf.
For this, the baby cow is killed merely so it’s stomach can be taken and split open, dried, cut into cubes and added to the cheese to curdle it.
This stomach’s enzyme is so intrinsic to the production of Parmesan that it cannot legally be called Parmesan unless it contains cows milk, salt and calf rennet.

Not rtft but ‘vegetarians’ still eat eggs even though male chicks are minced in the egg industry and male calves are removed from their mothers in the dairy industry.

Not sure how vegetarians can eat either.

I’m vegetarian and I’m afraid I couldn’t eat parmesan. I avoid any cheese with rennet and gelatine etc. I would have been polite and felt horribly embarrassed but to me it’s like eating meat.