Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was being unreasonable - vegetarian or host?

999 replies

neverendingflorist · 11/06/2019 14:16

Going to try and keep this as short as possible.

Person A invited a group of people over for dinner, including person B who is a vegetarian. A didn't know B was a vegetarian at the time, but B let A know when accepting the invite. A said this was fine. A made lasagna for everyone for dinner, subbing the meat out for roasted veggies for B to make a separate dish. When dinner came round A explained to B what she had made for her and explained what it contained including parmesan cheese. B said sorry, she could not eat it as parmesan is not vegetarian. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

So who was being unreasonable? I am aware this is pretty much a non-event and should not have escalated in to a big disagreement, but I am interested on general opinions.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
Peachsummer · 11/06/2019 17:25

Thanks I will tell my father and the rest of my Asian relatives - who are vegetarians for cultural and religious reasons - that if they encounter someone like you not to automatically assume you're an insensitve racist dickhead just someone who doesn't give a shit about anyone's feelings unless they're likely to sue them

Needs > Wants. That’s all I’m saying. An allergy is a medical Need. Vegetarianism is a Want. They aren’t the same.

Tommysmummy88 · 11/06/2019 17:25

B was rude. I’m vegetarian but I wouldn’t fuss over that. It won’t kill her will it

Dottierichardson · 11/06/2019 17:26

B sounds more like a vegan than a vegetarian, and should have been clearer about what B does and doesn't eat to A.

Better tell the Vegetarian Society to rename itself the vegan society in that case since - from their website:

A vegetarian diet does not include…
Meat or Poultry
Fish or seafood
Insects
Gelatine or animal rennet
Stock or fat from animals
www.vegsoc.org/info-hub/definition/

Defenbaker · 11/06/2019 17:26

Sounds like being vegetarian nowadays is almost as complicated as being vegan, so it's not surprising the host didn't realise this.

If the vegetarian/vegan guest was avoiding certain cheeses for ethical reasons, to reduce animal suffering, in this scenario it's too late as the suffering/unethical farming methods required to produce that particular portion of parmesan had already taken place. By refusing to eat it the guest didn't magically reverse that situation, she did nothing to help the animals used in that process, so it seems a bit ungracious to decline the meal that was specially prepared for her.

I admire people who try to live up to high ethical standards, but sometimes you can take a point too far. In this situation I think it would be nice if the guest ate the meal, even if she scraped the cheese off and just explained "I'm sorry but as that cheese involves X/Y/Z it goes against my principles to eat it. I'm really sorry I didn't mention it before, it was my mistake to assume you'd know that. I enjoyed the veggies though."

Dottierichardson · 11/06/2019 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

perplexedagain · 11/06/2019 17:29

I am vegetarian. I try to avoid products like gelatine etc but occasionally I have been caught out e.g. not read label properly, friend cooked with parmesan, went to restaurant and veggie soup turned out to have meat stock in it but I try not to get upset about this and just learn from the experience. I would've eaten the lasagne. It's not like it had huge lumps of meat or fish in it ...

ScreamingLadySutch · 11/06/2019 17:29

Vegetarian is BU. If they were VEGAN they should have advised.

Suck it up, or push it around your plate.

Virtue signalling self absorbed rudeness IMO.

SpinsterOfArts · 11/06/2019 17:31

If the vegetarian/vegan guest was avoiding certain cheeses for ethical reasons, to reduce animal suffering, in this scenario it's too late as the suffering/unethical farming methods required to produce that particular portion of parmesan had already taken place. By refusing to eat it the guest didn't magically reverse that situation, she did nothing to help the animals used in that process, so it seems a bit ungracious to decline the meal that was specially prepared for her.

What if she'd been served a steak? Ungracious to decline because she can't magically bring the animal back to life by refusing to eat it?

I'm surprised by the intolerance in this thread towards people who are vegetarian for ethical reasons.

IncrediblySadToo · 11/06/2019 17:31

peaches you’re something else.

FamilyOfAliens · 11/06/2019 17:31

I admire people who try to live up to high ethical standards, but sometimes you can take a point too far. In this situation I think it would be nice if the guest ate the meal, even if she scraped the cheese off

You’re not vegetarian are you?

LlamaDrama20 · 11/06/2019 17:31

I was reading this thread and doing my online Sainsbury shop at the same time. Interestingly, if you search parmesan cheese there is no way of then finding out if it is vegetarian or not:

  • pics are too small to see packaging or a 'V' sign
  • the 'dietary and lifestyle' drop down options don't include 'vegetarian' for this category (perhaps Sainsbury's also think Parmesan is all vegetarian?)
  • the items don't say either suitable for /unsuitable for vegetarians

Moreover, if you search 'parmesan' as an ingredient in the recipes section and limit it to 'vegetarian' recipes, it returns 96 (yes, 96!) supposedly vegetarian recipes with parmesan in them.

It's easy to see how A made this mistake.

FionasWineShow · 11/06/2019 17:32

I'm aware that some cheeses aren't suitable for vegetarians, but that's it.

I'm not a vegetarian, so why would I know? To a significant cohort of people, 'vegetarian' simply means they don't eat meat.

Clearly that's not actually correct - but that is many people's understanding, like it or not.

I can't imagine going to someone's place for dinner, them going to all that effort, adapting the menu for me, and then still saying I couldn't eat the food.

I get that B can't eat the food. But jeez. What a life....

Damntheman · 11/06/2019 17:32

This seems like an unfortunate misunderstanding to me. The host made a real effort! The vege should not have to compromise their dietary choices.

One thing that came out of this is now I know parmesan is not vegetarian ;)

FamilyOfAliens · 11/06/2019 17:32

If they were VEGAN they should have advised.

She wasn’t vegan. She was vegetarian but the host didn’t know that some cheese isn’t suitable for vegetarians.

TacoLover · 11/06/2019 17:34

Or, you can carry on being arrogant that everyone knows everything about your lifestyle choice, and kick up a fuss when they unknowingly get it wrong.

The vegetarian in this scenario did neither of these things...

Virtue signalling self absorbed rudeness IMO

Hmmhow is it virtue signalling self absorbed rudeness to apologise to the host and tell them that you cannot eat something because it is not vegetarian? Get a grip.

AnthonyCrowley · 11/06/2019 17:35

I cooked dinner recently for a friend who said she ate anything apart from she really, really hates the taste of garlic.

I was planning on doing something with pesto but made sure I read all the labels. Although to me pesto does not taste "garlicy" I still checked and it said garlic in the ingredients. I emailed friend and asked if it was ok, she said no. I cooked something else. Wasn't difficult.

FamilyOfAliens · 11/06/2019 17:35

llama

Instead of searching an online grocery store, the host’s best bet would have been simply to google “is Parmesan suitable for vegetarians?”.

IncrediblySadToo · 11/06/2019 17:35

Fucking hell. Honestly.

She’s NOT vegan, she eats cheese, she doesn’t eat cheese that has a calf’s stomach in it.

Sounds like being vegetarian nowadays is almost as complicated as being vegan, so it's not surprising the host didn't realise this

No it’s NOT. Vegetarians don’t eat rennet, calf’s stomach, they NEVER have.

It is NOT virtue signalling to be vegetarian. FFS.

tenlittlecygnets · 11/06/2019 17:36

Vegetarian is BU. If they were VEGAN they should have advised.

You misunderstand, Screaming. Parmesan is not vegetarian as it contains animal products. Nothing to do with being vegan.

yumyumpoppycat · 11/06/2019 17:36

vegetarian is unreasonable and should have said they were basically vegan if they wanted a quick way to describe how they eat,

CassianAndor · 11/06/2019 17:36

Taco - no, she didn't. That's more aimed at some of the posters on this thread.

Iggi999 · 11/06/2019 17:36

I am clearly very lucky with my friends, who cook some of the best veggie food I’ve ever had when I visit, with not a drop of Parmesan or stock to be seen!

tenlittlecygnets · 11/06/2019 17:39

I am honestly amazed at the lack of understanding towards vegetarians on here. And the complete ignorance some posters are displaying!

It's not 'virtue signalling' to be vegetarian. What a loony statement. That's like saying it's virtue signalling to be Christian.

It's never been easier to be veggie. There's a huge variety of foods available.

Poppycat - the vegetarian was not objecting to cheese per se, she was objecting to animal products in the cheese. Hmm

FamilyOfAliens · 11/06/2019 17:40

vegetarian is unreasonable and should have said they were basically vegan if they wanted a quick way to describe how they eat,

Why not try reading the thread?

MadameButterface · 11/06/2019 17:40

"I admire people who try to live up to high ethical standards, but sometimes you can take a point too far."

vegetarians don't eat animal products. rennet is an animal product. those things have always been true, so idk what you mean about 'nowadays' either. what you think 'would be nice' is neither here nor there really