Who was being unreasonable - vegetarian or host?

[neverendingflorist]

Going to try and keep this as short as possible.

Person A invited a group of people over for dinner, including person B who is a vegetarian. A didn't know B was a vegetarian at the time, but B let A know when accepting the invite. A said this was fine. A made lasagna for everyone for dinner, subbing the meat out for roasted veggies for B to make a separate dish. When dinner came round A explained to B what she had made for her and explained what it contained including parmesan cheese. B said sorry, she could not eat it as parmesan is not vegetarian. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

So who was being unreasonable? I am aware this is pretty much a non-event and should not have escalated in to a big disagreement, but I am interested on general opinions.

Anybody who eats rennet/gelatine etc cannot 'self describe' as vegetarian

Oh gosh, this is like the whole 'You can't call yourself a vegan if you checked your makeup in the back of a spoon that was once used to stir a pot of soup with cream in it' bullshit.

Of course they can self describe as a vegetarian. It might not be accurate, in your view. But by the way, the Oxford dictionary defines vegetarian as: vegetarian - a person who does not eat meat or fish, and sometimes other animal products, especially for moral, religious, or health reasons.

SOMETIMES.

In other words, it's not the accepted norm for that label by any means.

B was a twat.

I’m amazed lots of people don’t seem to have any idea how cheese is made. I would never expect a vegetarian to eat that.

A “vegetarian” who didn’t know Worcester Sauce contained anchovies clearly wasn’t a very committed one because she could presumably read, so obviously didn’t care enough about being “vegetarian” to check the ingredients on what she was eating.

A wasn't unreasonable to not know that the cheese wasn't vegetarian.
B wasn't unreasonable to decline to eat it.

A blaming B for the situation was being a bit unreasonable and rude.

I don't understand the standpoint that B should have eaten it anyway because A went to the trouble of making it and/or because the food would be wasted otherwise. Would you say the same if A had cooked a fish dish because A mistakenly thought fish was vegetarian? The principle is the same.

Reading AIBU sometimes, you'd think the art of normal good manners was a lost thing
Totally agree. Most of the time I read similar posts, I wonder how it gets to these scenarios.

Host certainly not rude, they made an effort and can’t be expected to know which cheeses are vegetarian. I have vegetarian friends and now check but wouldn’t always have done so in the past.
I think the vegetarian could have made an exception and eaten it tbh. If not they should have been very apologetic for not eating it and just had some salad or something. Saying host was inhospitable is really rude!

If you are using an ingredient from a packet, it’s common sense to read the packet to see if the ingredient is suitable or not, it’s really not rocket science.

It’s not ‘strict’ for an actual vegetarian to not eat an animal’s stomach, it’s a basic criteria for being vegetarian.

Assuming that B is not allergic, or will have some sort of health problems, what purpose is served by refusing to eat the lasagne? Other than pissing off the host who had gone to some inconvenience to cook B her own special meal. And creating a general impression that some vegetarians are dicks?

Weird question.

It ‘serves the purpose’ of a vegetarian not eating a calf’s stomach.

I don't understand why people are saying B is very rude when 1)it is unreasonable to expect someone to force themselves to eat something when it goes against their beliefs and 2)OP has said that B was very apologetic about the situation.

If the vegetarian was Hindu then feeding them rennet would be akin to feeding a muslim or a jew pork gelatine.

A vegetarian does not have to ‘graciously’ eat whatever is served up to them if it’s not vegetarian. It’s up to a host to make sure what they’re serving is actually vegetarian, not the guest to check every ingredient in a dish.

B did explain though. She said vegetarian. Parmesan isn’t vegetarian. When A bought it in the supermarket it would be quite obviously lacking the V/suitable for vegetarians label. It was wrong for A to blame their own mistake on B.

B shouldn't be expected to to against her morals by eating rennet. A made a mistake and was not being unreasonable. So I dont think either WBU

It’s not like the vegetarian is to blame, you didn’t realise about the rennet but they can’t eat it. No real need for anyone to be a dick about it.

DS's vegetarian girlfriend has been happily eating pesto pasta at ours for months blush Now I need to check the label...

Waitrose fresh pesto is suitable for vegetarians. Not sure about the ones in jars but I’m guessing they will be.

If the vegetarian was Hindu then feeding them rennet would be akin to feeding a muslim or a jew pork gelatine

Or giving any vegetarian any of those items.

Religion doesn’t make it any more important to get this right.

Why should vegetarians 'make exceptions'? If they make exceptions then people would say 'oh well we don't need to make provisions for, or cater for vegetarians'. You can't be a part time vegetarian. Either you ARE a vegetarian or you aren't!

Personally as a host I'd be utter mortified at serving any kind of animal product to a guest, even if it was unwitting, as its my job as host to ensure everyone is properly catered for.

If I'd gone out of my way to make something and got it wrong like this, thats MY fault. I can't blame it on my guest being rude. Its MY ignorance and I should own it.

Its NOT strict for a vegetarian to refuse to eat animal product. They are just being a vegetarian.

Honestly, I don't get it. Its not hard or difficult to understand.

I get annoyed at vegetarians who are santimonious and evangelical about their vegetarianism, but this definitely does not fall into that category.

How can you be a vegetarian and eat animal products if the mood or circumstances take your fancy? Anyone care to enlighten me?

Person B is ungracious. I couldn’t be friends with someone like that. They made their point on the night. Or they could just have removed the cheese. Simple as that.
A is correct that B is rude for making a drama about it.

I’m vegetarian and wouldn’t have eaten the Parmesan. I would’ve had a go at the none cheesy veg though. If eating out I either offer to take something for myself or get my friends to run it by me. It’s easy enough to look for the V on labels. It makes me feel physically sick knowing I’ve eaten animal.

It’s up to a host to make sure what they’re serving is actually vegetarian

And, yet again - the host did think it was vegetarian as she didn't know parmesan isn't vegetarian. Like many people. If you never check the label because you aren't veggie then you don't know to do this.

This thread has demonstrated time and again that many people have no idea that meat products can turn up in things like cheese or wine or yoghurts or whatever - therefore the onus is on the vegetarian to explain that.

Or, you can carry on being arrogant that everyone knows everything about your lifestyle choice, and kick up a fuss when they unknowingly get it wrong.

Is op A or B?

B is being rude and should apologise to A for his/her reaction to the food on offer. A did his/her best based on what A was told.

B sounds more like a vegan than a vegetarian, and should have been clearer about what B does and doesn't eat to A.

It’s a lot more important to avoid poisoning an allergic person than to avoid giving someone an item they choose not to eat. Nobody ever got sued for feeding Parmesan to a vegetarian. It’s not going to kill them. To compare an allergy to vegetarianism is quite frankly ridiculous.

Thanks I will tell my father and the rest of my Asian relatives - who are vegetarians for cultural and religious reasons - that if they encounter someone like you not to automatically assume you're an insensitve racist dickhead just someone who doesn't give a shit about anyone's feelings unless they're likely to sue them.

Why do people think a vegetarian should have eaten something with animal product in it?

What did the vegetarian friend eat in the end?

I recently catered for a pescatarian and a GF vegetarian, I triple checked all ingredients and did tell the vegetarian that should they not like the food to tell me I’d order a GF veggie pizza for them instead.
I’d rather a guest was happy and well fed than not.

I'm vegetarian and would never eat any of these rennet containing cheeses.It's very unfortunate for the host but no vegetarian could be expected to eat a food which is totally against their beliefs. Perhaps the kindest thing would be to set aside the rennet containing lasagna rather than waste it.Most vegetarians are good at eating whatever is available and suitable for them so vegetables or salad would have been sufficient.

Person B is ungracious. I couldn’t be friends with someone like that.

Let me correct this for you.

"I couldn't be friends with a vegetarian."

Just say it.