Who was being unreasonable - vegetarian or host?

[neverendingflorist]

Going to try and keep this as short as possible.

Person A invited a group of people over for dinner, including person B who is a vegetarian. A didn't know B was a vegetarian at the time, but B let A know when accepting the invite. A said this was fine. A made lasagna for everyone for dinner, subbing the meat out for roasted veggies for B to make a separate dish. When dinner came round A explained to B what she had made for her and explained what it contained including parmesan cheese. B said sorry, she could not eat it as parmesan is not vegetarian. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

So who was being unreasonable? I am aware this is pretty much a non-event and should not have escalated in to a big disagreement, but I am interested on general opinions.

I don't know what to say any more. When I became veggie years ago, it really did mean "doesn't eat meat or fish

I’ve been vegetarian 30 years. Vegetarian has always meant what it means now (to ACTUAL vegetarians) no rennet, no geletin, no meat based gravy etc.

Baffling you’d think otherwise really.

B does eat cheese. She just doesn't eat the meat inside the cheese.

Agree - when I first became vegetarian 30 years ago, the only vegetarian cheese you could get in the supermarket was labelled “vegetarian cheese” - no more details than that!

It’s great that most UK cheese are now suitable for vegetarians. French ones, not so much.

I would say it was A's responsibility to ensure the dish they were making was completely vegetarian if B had told her they were veggie when accepting the invite and A had said that was fine.

Yes, it's not strictly vegetarian but it's one meal that's been made for her and it won't kill her.
What a stupid comment, would you expect a Jewish person to eat pork chops rather than be an inconvenience?
Or a mild allergy to eat nuts?

I'm vegetarian & I would have just ate it. Most people including chefs don't realise parmesan has rennet in it which makes it not suitable for vegetarians. B was rude.

Many Jewish people do eat pork. Not everyone is so religiously strict.

My sil is a terrible cook. When she invites us all over for Sunday lunch, I know it will be a roll of the dice so I eat before we go. She has never once asked for a list of my lukes/dislijes/political beliefs before she (partially) cooks dinner. She has also never forwarded the menu in advance for my approval.
I think if someone offers to cook you dinner, and you suspect that what is cooked will be an issue for you, for whatever reason, then eat in advance and go for the company (as a pp has said, have some salad)
It's not a restaurant.

An exercise of normal good manners by both parties would have stopped this being an issue.

• It wasn't unreasonable for A not to know that B wouldn't eat parmesan.

• It wasn't unreasonable for B to be unable to eat the parmesan.

As a good host, A. should have apologised and offered an alternative, even if this was in the form of handing B. a takeaway menu.

As a polite guest, B. should have reassured A. that the mistake was understandable, thanked A. for their efforts anyway and accepted whatever alternative A. produced, even if this was just some toast or a side-dish of veg.

Reading AIBU sometimes, you'd think the art of normal good manners was a lost thing.

Also your lack of respect for others' requirements and/or beliefs is appalling. Some people won't eat things just because they don't like them but presumably you don't care about that either because it won't actually kill them?
It’s a lot more important to avoid poisoning an allergic person than to avoid giving someone an item they choose not to eat. Nobody ever got sued for feeding Parmesan to a vegetarian. It’s not going to kill them. To compare an allergy to vegetarianism is quite frankly ridiculous.

*likes or dislikes....

But Cassian you can use only products labelled as “suitable for vegetarians”.

I am vegetarian and so obviously don't eat cheeses made with rennet. I'm trying to think what I would do in this situation, it would be so embarrassing... but I don't THINK I'd have been able to eat it. I'd be mortified as I wouldn't want to embarrass the host after they've clearly made an effort, but the idea of eating it makes me feel a bit ill.
I might have picked at it a bit and tried to make it look like I'd enjoyed it somehow.

happened to me as a host - I did not know about parmesan . felt awful . guest would not eat it. also did not know some wines are out of the acceptable list as well .

DS has been vegetarian a few years now.
It took a while to get into the habit of checking labels, particularly puddings which often have gelatine in. He was horrified to discover his favourite chip shop where he went every week at uni fried the chips in lard. It had never occurred to him that anything other than oil would be used to fry food.

1. A said B should have really told her she could not eat parmesan as A thought vegetarians could eat cheese and wouldn't be expected to know these things as she hasn't cooked for vegetarians before. B said lots of things are not vegetarian that aren't just meat/fish and it would take forever to make a list of all things including which cheeses she could/couldn't eat. A thinks B has been very rude and B thinks A has been a poor host.

2. Just want to say that neither was actually outright rude to each other, my post might have come across that way as I was trying to keep it short. B actually was very apologetic that she could not eat it. And A certainly did not expect her to just eat it anyway. The issue came from A thinking B should have informed her of all the products she could not eat and B saying that was actually thousands of things that were not clearly meat and fish, including quite a lot of wines and beers.

These are actually quite different scenarios. Is 2 what actually happened (up until "A certainly did not expect her to eat it anyway" and 1 and the rest of 2 what they both expressed to a hypothetical C (you?) later.
If so, neither's unreasonable and they've both learned useful lessons for similar situations in the future.

These things happen. A vegetarian friend was amazed to be told off by her vegetarian friend for adding Worcester Sauce to something because of the anchovies. First vegetarian friend just didn't know.
I bought my newly vegan (changed from vegetarian, so I was clued up about that) daughter a Cadburys Dairy Milk egg for Easter (Goddsake, LaM, the clue's in the name!). I realised 2 days later and got a vegan egg. She was very pleased and said she understood it would take time to get used to and had given the CDM egg to her vegetarian boyfriend.
I was miffed by the couple who turned up to stay the weekend with us when the wife only informed us she was vegetarian after they'd unpacked and settled in. Had trip to the supermarket instead of a local beauty spot.

Some people who are veggie but not vegan eat eggs but others don’t. Some people who have food allergies need to be very careful. Many of general public will not know all these issues.

A made an understandable mistake. I would not expect B to eat it, but I think B could have been understanding.

Well this is interesting... DS's vegetarian girlfriend has been happily eating pesto pasta at ours for months Now I need to check the label...

A should have done more research. What kind of thicko can’t google vegetarian recipes?

Agree with ScreamingValenta

Don't know why do I read your username as ScreamingVanilla

As many PPs have said, it is an absolute piece of piss to check food labels to see whether or not they're suitable for vegetarians. And yep, meat byproducts do exist in the most unlikely of foods - Mr Kipling cakes for example.
There is honestly no excuse for not checking. If it doesn't have a green tick, or explicitly state it's ok for veggies, then don't take the risk.

And I say that as someone who eats meat - but would never serve a vegetarian or vegan something I wasn't 100% sure of.I wouldn't even cook a veggie meal in the oven next to something containing meat or fish.

I think it’s difficult as some vegetarians (daughter included) do eat Parmesan. I think it’s always kindest to ask people you don’t know well if there is anything they don’t eat and double check with vegetarians/ gluten free/dairy free/just fussy whether planned meal is acceptable or do several options.
I don’t think either was rude or unreasonable but given it had been presented as a guest I’d have said don’t worry, I’ll just eat the salad and as a host I’d have whipped up an omelette to go with the salad.

We had "Parmesangate" at work a couple of years ago when I pointed out that the one "vegetarian" dish on the works Xmas dinner menu contained Parmesan. Cuw lots of omnivores saying "But it's cheese, do its vegetarian.""What's rennet anyway?" "Does it matter?"

The restaurant, along with many restaurants and some of my "vegetarian" cookery books, plus my workmates, was completely ignorant. I guess on that basis friend A was not too much in the wrong.

B is unreasonable!

I did not know about wines!