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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in law's wife has decided to be bridesmaid

179 replies

titzillaa · 10/06/2019 19:12

long time lurker, so I know what the consensus is on in law wedding threads, but I have an inlaw wedding dilemma!

so me and DP have been together on/off for six years and engaged for two. we've finally set a date for the wedding and started planning, I've decided on eight bridesmaids (my 2 x Dsis, my cousin, four friends and DP's sister who I'm very close to). however, DP's sister texted me earlier announcing that she's pregnant (due january) and so she's not going to be able to be a bridesmaid, as she doesn't want to have to worry about fitting into her dress and breastfeeding a newborn on the day.
fine - I have absolutely no problems with that and was very happy for her, and my plan was to just have seven bridesmaids which is plenty. however, DP just got home from work and said he'd had a text from his brother's wife (she's very very close to his side of the family) saying she can happily 'take over' from SIL?
firstly I don't see why she needs to 'take over' as it's not as if there were any specific duties that SIL had. secondly, brother's wife has already complained about the date of our wedding (it's the day after she gets back from a music festival), the venue (it's the one that her and BIL were looking at for their wedding reception last year, but it was booked and they ended up finding one they liked more) and said the colour of the dresses was ugly (they're khaki). she's not said any of this to me but instead to MIL/SIL/BIL who have relayed it back to us.
however if I tell her I don't want her to be a bridesmaid she'll cause a massive fuss (she has very few close female friends so I was a bridesmaid at hers last year - more out of filling space than intimacy) and DP's family will take her side, I know it.
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
SomewhereInbetween1 · 11/06/2019 09:42

I had a bridesmaid who I originally wasn't going to ask, but in the end I realised it meant more to her to be one, than it did to me to not have her as one.

crustycrab · 11/06/2019 09:42

"Khaki just means light brown/beige."

Isn't it green?

OP would it make a difference to let her do it? The rest of the family shouldn't be passing on things she's said. It's likely they do the same back about you. She might've just said "oh Christ, I'm at a festival the day before". What's wrong with that?!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/06/2019 10:14

beansaseiraen OP's already said she's in the UK. Why not read the thread before piling on with the giggling posters wetting themselves to tell OP how wrong she is about her wedding?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/06/2019 10:15

At least read OP's posts!

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 11/06/2019 10:16

I think it's a bit unkind to actually rebuff her offer to be your bridesmaid when she freely invited you to be hers and you agreed to it! I don't think she's done it in a cheeky way. All this "she only asked me to make up the numbers" is conjecture

SandyY2K · 11/06/2019 10:27

@PregnantSea

you are spot on about some users on here having no awareness of other cultures and customs

As the thread progresses, more ignorance emerges.

It's this kind of ignorance from parents that gets passed down to children and the cycle of ignorance repeats throughout the generations.

When you live in a diverse culture, it makes sense to gain some awareness of difference and diversity.

Now a pp says more than 3 is tacky. In some cultures 3 or less would be seen as cheap.

Dressing flamboyantly is part of my culture too. Doing weddings or other events in a very big lavish way is the norm, if you can afford it.

In my culture when you host a wedding, you have an open bar or provide all the drinks FOC. You don't make your guests buy drinks.

I accept it's not the same in other cultures, without criticising or calling them disgusting or cheap and tacky.

BrownSq · 11/06/2019 10:30

Firstly, your in laws are not just innocently mentioning things that your SIL has said. They are gossiping and shit stirring. Not nice.

Secondly, I do actually feel bad for her. You were a BM at hers and she probably feels really hurt that you haven't reciprocated.

Finally - just do it to keep the peace. This won't be forgotten quickly and there will be bitching and gossiping for years to come if you say no. Is not worth it.

MarthasGinYard · 11/06/2019 10:41

You were a BM at hers so I'm guessing she thought you'd reciprocate

And TBH with 8 BM which IMO cheapens the whole thing, and is ridiculous. No one will notice an extra one in the show.

SilverDapple · 11/06/2019 10:42

Eight bridesmaids, EIGHT?! Confused

I think the large number actually makes the SIL situation trickier. If there were just a couple of bridesmaids it would probably be accepted that your very closest friends/family had the honour, but if every man and his dog is bridesmaid AND you were recently BM at her wedding then I think it would save ill feeling and hassle to let her do it.

I think the colour you have picked is gorgeous and probably wouldn't have had such a negative reaction on here if you had used a different word to describe it- olive, fawn, sandy. Classy and understated IMO, I think they will look beautiful Smile

Scorpvenus1 · 11/06/2019 10:48

no I don't think your being unreasonable.

I wouldn't even bother with a response and carry on regardless.
Tell the DH your not interested and leave it at that

She may think she needs to save the day, or some selfish wish, but its not her place to decide unless she was asked.

Id ignore it and put your foot down. She even has the cheek to moan about the date LOL. I would enjoy telling her too :) Let her cause the

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 11/06/2019 11:05

The bride and groom have an unstable relationship, seven bridesmaids in khaki, shit-stirring relatives and a hungover sister-in-law with a grudge. God this is going to be a wedding to remember!

Rainbunny · 11/06/2019 11:32

Well OP of course it's your right to have only the people you want in your bridal party but tbh I think you sound mean.

What's striking to me is that you originally had your sisters, friends, cousin and one SIL only as bridesmaids. It's hard not to view the other SIL as being noticable excluded considering you had your other SIL in the group. On top of that, you were her bridesmaid but now you have decided to exclude her. You might be the nicest person in the world but it looks like you seriously dislike her and it would have looked like that to all the guests as well. Now that your other SIL is not bridesmaid it won't look like a snub not to ask your SIL.

I'm not sure why she wants to be a bridesmaid since you already snubbed her the first time, in her position no way in hell would I want to do it. It's also worth remembering she hasn't said anything to you directly herself, this is all through other people's gossip.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 11/06/2019 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mia1415 · 11/06/2019 11:40

Wow, some of you are so nasty! In real life would you make fun of someone's choice of bridesmaid dress or other aspects of their wedding,

Why be so horrible to someone about their personal choices?

SweetNorthernRose · 11/06/2019 13:15

@mrsbertbibby i had khaki bridesmaid dresses that the bridesmaids actually chose and they were very nice thanks very much!
I can't fathom the cfery of suggesting to someone that you should be their bridesmaid, regardless of whether they were yours or not.
I also can't fathom why people are saying just let her do it! Isn't the old adage on mn that cfs are cfs because people let them get away with it?
If you do want to decline with minimal drama though i'd go with the pp's suggestion of saying you'd earmarked her for a reading or some other minor role.

Valanice1989 · 11/06/2019 14:49

It's a little girl dressed up in a white dress, like a mini version of the bride. It's quite common in my culture for the white/church wedding. I think a lot of people on MN are not very aware of diversity and cultural differences, that make occasions like weddings different. Different, does not mean ridiculous.

SandyY2K, I know I'm being nosy, but what is your culture? I've Googled "mini brides" and can't find anything.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2019 14:52

To paraphrase Love Actually, eight is a lot of bridesmaids David.

NicoAndTheNiners · 11/06/2019 14:56

If she doesn't have many close female friends maybe she's never been a bridesmaid? Maybe in the circumstances and especially as you were one of hers it would be nice to do it?

Banhaha · 11/06/2019 15:21

OP please have as many bridesmaids as you want and dress them in the colour you want and ignore anyone who judges you for it. It's your day - I hope you enjoy it.

maimainomai · 11/06/2019 15:27

I know I'm being nosy, but what is your culture? I've Googled "mini brides" and can't find anything.

A mini bride is a girl that wears a miniature version of the brides wedding dress, yes? I associate it with Eastern European culture. But Idk why...??

I think it may be a remnant of more archaic wedding traditions... I mean, women couldn't witness (in many cultures) until quite recently and the purpose of bridesmaids was to confuse evil spirits (I have at least read a few times). They are also supposed to be unwed / virgins(AFAIK? In some traditions at least) so it might somehow be tied up in that one.

Original poster
titzillaa · 11/06/2019 16:25

thank you for everyone that's actually taken the time to read the thread and given good, thought-out advice. the woman in question who isn't my SIL btw, she's my BIL's wife hasn't mentioned anything more about it to me or DP, so we'll see how it goes.

I'm not inherently against her being a BM but I just think it was very rude of her to ask - who does that...? and also, the complaints she's already been making plus the fact that I find her irritating (for many unrelated reasons) are what's putting me off. I know if I let her be a BM it would cause drama but then it would cause more (and in the long term more) if I didn't. DP says I should stand my ground and not be a pushover, but I don't want drama or to upset anyone.

Re the comments about my inlaws telling me what she's been saying - I know them well and I really don't think it was malicious or intended to shit stir, they are all just naturally gossipy people and say stuff without thinking. they probably already do the same with stuff I've said but I don't care because I've not been saying anything nasty about anyone or making comments about their wedding.

I don't care if people think 8 bridesmaids is 'cheap' or 'tacky', I really don't see how the number of bridesmaids has any bearing on the overall cheapometre of a wedding? I'm not having eight groomsmen either, DP is having one best man (his brother) and then we have 2 flowergirls and a pageboy. the dresses are olive green, which I say is khaki, I'll find the link later

finally, me and DP are on good terms (to the pp who said something about us not being) - if you'd actually RTFT you'd see that I've stated twice we're not on/off anymore.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 11/06/2019 16:44

I think she'll see the light

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 11/06/2019 17:11

She hasn't 'asked' at all let alone rudely, she probably just said oh, I'll happily do it. And even in your op it doesn't sound like she actually asked. Bu it's up to you if you think the future fall-out is worth it. And by having a lot of bridesmaids you probably won't even notice her and it would be a nice thing to do.

OKBobble · 11/06/2019 17:20

Just so you know your bil's wife is your sil too as well as DH's sister.

Just say no thanks we are fine as we are.

Have who you wanr, dress them how you want and have the wedding you want.

I do agree that whoever is passing on her comments about your wedding to you is trying to goad you though so do be careful. I would stop sharing info with people like this.

scarecrowhead · 11/06/2019 17:32

I've seen the mini brides at gypsy/traveller weddings