Brother in law's wife has decided to be bridesmaid

[titzillaa]

long time lurker, so I know what the consensus is on in law wedding threads, but I have an inlaw wedding dilemma!

so me and DP have been together on/off for six years and engaged for two. we've finally set a date for the wedding and started planning, I've decided on eight bridesmaids (my 2 x Dsis, my cousin, four friends and DP's sister who I'm very close to). however, DP's sister texted me earlier announcing that she's pregnant (due january) and so she's not going to be able to be a bridesmaid, as she doesn't want to have to worry about fitting into her dress and breastfeeding a newborn on the day.
fine - I have absolutely no problems with that and was very happy for her, and my plan was to just have seven bridesmaids which is plenty. however, DP just got home from work and said he'd had a text from his brother's wife (she's very very close to his side of the family) saying she can happily 'take over' from SIL?
firstly I don't see why she needs to 'take over' as it's not as if there were any specific duties that SIL had. secondly, brother's wife has already complained about the date of our wedding (it's the day after she gets back from a music festival), the venue (it's the one that her and BIL were looking at for their wedding reception last year, but it was booked and they ended up finding one they liked more) and said the colour of the dresses was ugly (they're khaki). she's not said any of this to me but instead to MIL/SIL/BIL who have relayed it back to us.
however if I tell her I don't want her to be a bridesmaid she'll cause a massive fuss (she has very few close female friends so I was a bridesmaid at hers last year - more out of filling space than intimacy) and DP's family will take her side, I know it.
AIBU to be pissed off?

Eight bridesmaids (!!!) and you were her bridesmaid last year?

Your goose is cooked, OP, you're going to have to let her be your bridesmaid.

In your shoes, I'd be more concerned about the easy flow of gossip in the family.

Eight bridesmaids?! YABU for that alone! Why on EARTH is there any need for that many?!?! 🙄 The general consensus is that anything over 3 is considered tacky. Sorry

1. It was rude of her to ask;
2. There’s a reason why she doesn’t have many friends;
3. It sounds like you don’t want her there;
4. She sounds like a miserable bitch.

In light of all of the above, just say “no, thank you”.

Sorry OP, I think you’re in the wrong here.

I’ve been in the position of your SIL. I asked a close friend to be my bridesmaid, she was thrilled. A year later, I wasn’t asked to be hers, though she did have a cousin of the groom who she’d only met a couple of times. I admit I was hurt. On the day, it was actually quite embarrassing for me as a few mutual friends asked me why I wasn’t a bridesmaid - difficult to answer that without causing offence to the bride. Had it occurred to me that people would notice I would not have attended. It definitely changed our relationship and we drifted apart a few years later.

I realised I wasn’t as important to her as she was to me. I do feel a little sad that I’ve never been important enough to anyone to be given a role in their wedding.

In your position OP it’s even worse. I imagine there will be a lot of family attending your wedding who also attended hers. Given you are having a large number of bridesmaids it looks like a deliberate slight. It would be kind to give her some role in the wedding, and it sounds like she would really appreciate it. It could do wonders for family relations.

Number1Wang You're talented!!!

Christ a “mini bride” a little girl dressed as a mini bride. What a fucked up tradition. And no I don’t think this is acceptable because it’s a different culture. It’s fucking disgusting. I was raised a catholic and I ran a million miles from their traditions because of stupid shit like dressing little girls in white virginal dresses to marry god

Khaki dresses... pmsl. I know a bride wants to be the prettiest at the wedding, but making all the adult female guests be bridesmaids so you can dress them in bleurgh is hilarious.

I thought khaki suited everyone (missing the point...)

Eight bridesmaids in khaki - I'm surprised you could find one to agree to wearing such an awful colour. Do they know that's what you expect them to wear? If not you may be grateful to your SiL for offering and end up with one bridesmaid.

I've heard of brides not wanting to be outshone by the bridesmaids, is that the reason for the khaki?

I'd ignore the comments. It probably just stings for her that she chose you as a bridesmaid only a year ago and you didn't ask her back. It would make her happy, so why not! I honestly feel sorry for your SIL. I'd feel so betrayed if my family repeated my silly little comments. It's obvious why she said them! Fingers crossed she doesn't find out!

This is a case of "pick your battles" OP. In a throng of 8 adult bridesmaids, what's one more ? To keep the family peace I'd go along with it.

If you already have that many, I don't see what harm one more will do.

Eight bridesmaids! What a palaver!

So first of all, I think you'd getter more useful/less judgemental and completely missing the point responses, if you asked this on a wedding forum. I personally only had 4 bridesmaids and paying for everything for those was quite an expense, however, I know of people who have had or are having a similar number and I have 0 judgement on it being ridiculous, it just sounds very expensive in my mind 😂!

I agree that maybe SIL has just said those comments as a sort of self defence mechanism because it's hurt to know you could stretch to 8 bridesmaids but you still couldnt include her. Also agree with everyone that it says more about the rest of the family passing her negative comments on to you.

I think unless you really dislike her, I'd see if you could have her as a bridesmaid. Looking at the bigger picture, she's going to be around you forever and you need to weigh up if it's worth causing a long term resentment/bitterness between you both.

Don't understand why everyone has such an issue with your dress colour either! But as I said earlier, really don't think MN is the best place to go for advice in this situation.

Eight bridesmaid is a bit OTT, who would notice a replacement?

It sounds like you’ve invited everyone apart from her to be your bridesmaid!

I have this in my head, ‘Eight bridesmaids in khaki... and a partridge in a pear tree’

Khaki to me is olive green and is one of the colours that really suits me.
Khaki to my DH is that weird browny sand colour that doesn't really suit anyone and makes people look washed out.
Kind of want to see a picture.
All the pictures attached are described as khaki, its really confusing when anyone wants to describe a colour as khaki.

8 bridesmaids sounds ridiculous anyway so what's one more?

If she shut up about her views about 'Your' wedding and stopped complaining, I'd let her be a bm..

bm = Bridesmaid. not bowel movement Oi

unless she gives you the S###

Your in laws are shit stirring. Is that normal for them?

I think you could just let her be a BM. I do think it’s a little bit rude you were hers and you couldn’t even find a place for her in the line up of eight BM’s!

But then I went to a wedding recently with 5 best men and I thought that was weird.

The general consensus is that anything over 3 is considered tacky.
It is? Well OP there you have it. You’re tacky.

Honestly, these threads where a tonne of posters ignore the main gist of the post and rip into the OP over details are getting really shitty. Why would you want to make a stranger feel shit about their wedding just because they choose something you wouldn’t choose for yourself?

Eight bridesmaids
Are there 8 groomsmen ?
Do you live in the US ?

Judging by other threads on this subject, I think you hurt her feelings by not asking her originally. Far from turning her down I think you should be telling her you're glad a spot has opened up as you would have liked her in the original line up. But you can also call her out nicely for any snarky comments.

Do you live in the US ?

I do, and I've never been to a wedding that had more than four. I'm not sure where this stereotype of legions of bridesmaids in the US came from, but it's apocryphal.