Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother in law's wife has decided to be bridesmaid

179 replies

titzillaa · 10/06/2019 19:12

long time lurker, so I know what the consensus is on in law wedding threads, but I have an inlaw wedding dilemma!

so me and DP have been together on/off for six years and engaged for two. we've finally set a date for the wedding and started planning, I've decided on eight bridesmaids (my 2 x Dsis, my cousin, four friends and DP's sister who I'm very close to). however, DP's sister texted me earlier announcing that she's pregnant (due january) and so she's not going to be able to be a bridesmaid, as she doesn't want to have to worry about fitting into her dress and breastfeeding a newborn on the day.
fine - I have absolutely no problems with that and was very happy for her, and my plan was to just have seven bridesmaids which is plenty. however, DP just got home from work and said he'd had a text from his brother's wife (she's very very close to his side of the family) saying she can happily 'take over' from SIL?
firstly I don't see why she needs to 'take over' as it's not as if there were any specific duties that SIL had. secondly, brother's wife has already complained about the date of our wedding (it's the day after she gets back from a music festival), the venue (it's the one that her and BIL were looking at for their wedding reception last year, but it was booked and they ended up finding one they liked more) and said the colour of the dresses was ugly (they're khaki). she's not said any of this to me but instead to MIL/SIL/BIL who have relayed it back to us.
however if I tell her I don't want her to be a bridesmaid she'll cause a massive fuss (she has very few close female friends so I was a bridesmaid at hers last year - more out of filling space than intimacy) and DP's family will take her side, I know it.
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
StitchingMoss · 10/06/2019 19:29

Let her be bridesmaid - does it matter? You’ll not notice her among the vast bridal party Smile

MyOtherProfile · 10/06/2019 19:30

Sorry you lost me at 8 bridesmaids
Grin Grin Grin

Me too Blush

RomanyQueen · 10/06/2019 19:30

YABU, she asked you and you didn't return the invite and still don't want her as a substitute.
You shouldn't have agreed to be hers, you must have known you wouldn't ask her, and have been planning your wedding for some time.

Desmondo2016 · 10/06/2019 19:31

You don't ask to be a bridesmaid, you just don't! So yanbu and she's a cf!

However, it's probably pretty awkward to tell her 'no' so I'd be tempted to just say yes and she'll be lost in the crowd, she'll always know deep down she invited herself and you won't risk the unpleasantness of a rift or family row.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 10/06/2019 19:31

Not sure why people are shocked at 8 bridesmaids, it’s up to the OP, who she has in her wedding party.

I have a cousin who has just had 14 bridesmaids, simply as she has 6 sisters and 7 nieces, plus her best friend, she also had 8 ushers all who were her brothers and her parents brothers.

Personally I’d just say No.

titzillaa · 10/06/2019 19:31

As mentioned above - we were closer last year. it was during planning her wedding that I started realising our differences.
I don't think family are relaying her comments back maliciously, they're not coming up and saying "oooh guess what BIL's wife said", it's more that they casually mention it in conversation "oh BIL's wife was saying" etc.
big bridal parties are common where I am!

OP posts:
Ihatehashtags · 10/06/2019 19:33

Eight bridesmaids is quite frankly ridiculous.

Lllot5 · 10/06/2019 19:34

Let her do it once you’ve picked 7 you may as well have 8 tbh.

titzillaa · 10/06/2019 19:36

I don't really see what's ridiculous about it?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 10/06/2019 19:37

Why are you marrying someone you have an on/off relationship with?

titzillaa · 10/06/2019 19:39

I obviously don't have an on/off relationship with him now. we went through a period of being very on/off (due to our life circumstances at the time) about three and a half years ago.

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 10/06/2019 19:42

Why do grown women need to

  1. have bridesmaids at all 2) agonise over the concept as if they are still choosing bestest friends at primary school?

Can you not just get married & skip all the fairy tale nonsense? It seems to cause so much grief.

MissConductUS · 10/06/2019 19:44

I don't really see what's ridiculous about it?

Because it's bigger than a volleyball team? Smile

Antigon · 10/06/2019 19:46

Not sure why people are shocked at 8 bridesmaids, it’s up to the OP, who she has in her wedding party.

I don't get it either, and I never had any. Each to their own.

People are affronted as if they're being asked to pay for all the bridesmaids.

Cherrysoup · 10/06/2019 19:48

Just tell her no. I seriously don’t get all these posters saying ‘Oh just let her do it’. No, not if you didn’t want her, why the hell should you?

MrsBertBibby · 10/06/2019 19:49

Are khaki bridesmaids dresses a thing, then?

I am struggling to visualise this!

MightyAtlantic · 10/06/2019 19:52

Khaki? Really? And this suits 8 different people?

Greencustard · 10/06/2019 19:54

I would just let her do it seeing as you were going to have 8 bridesmaids anyway. Keep the peace, pick your battles etc.

Ilovemylabrador · 10/06/2019 19:54

I see a Daily Mail headline.

7 !- just add her in. Or say I was really hoping you would help X with the newborn as my Matron of Honor type thing............so she gets to enjoy the wedding too and has company and not stuck all day with baby?

KatherineJaneway · 10/06/2019 19:54

Couldn't give a care about the 8 bridesmaids, its the khaki that has me [shocked]

Spinnaret · 10/06/2019 19:55

Why have your MIL/SIL/BIL all been stirring the pot, by feeding back her views to you? She may have just passed comment about things in general conversation, and all your in laws have shit stirred by passing it on. And now she thinks she is making a kind offer after one of your khaki-clad crowd have had to drop out, not knowing that they dumped her in it.

titzillaa · 10/06/2019 19:57

does it matter if it's bigger than a volleyball team? I don't see the issue

Thank you cherrysoup, at risk of sounding like a complete control freak it is my wedding and I'd rather not have someone being in my bridal party because i feel too bad to say no.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 10/06/2019 19:57

8 bridesmaids in khaki, are you from a military background OP.

StitchingMoss · 10/06/2019 19:57

“I see a Daily Mail headline”

Seriously??? I don’t think even the DM are that desperate for stories Grin

Butchyrestingface · 10/06/2019 19:59

(she has very few close female friends so I was a bridesmaid at hers last year - more out of filling space than intimacy)

In view of this, and the fact that you were planning to have eight (!) bridesmaids, I don’t think she was inherently unreasonable to put the feelers out.

All the moaning and criticising would get on my tits though and put me off asking her.

Buuuuut... back on fence again, I doubt that I wouldn’t have asked her in the first place when
1). You’ve bridesmaided for her in the very recent past
2). Your bridesmaid count is nearly into double figures.