Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in law's wife has decided to be bridesmaid

179 replies

titzillaa · 10/06/2019 19:12

long time lurker, so I know what the consensus is on in law wedding threads, but I have an inlaw wedding dilemma!

so me and DP have been together on/off for six years and engaged for two. we've finally set a date for the wedding and started planning, I've decided on eight bridesmaids (my 2 x Dsis, my cousin, four friends and DP's sister who I'm very close to). however, DP's sister texted me earlier announcing that she's pregnant (due january) and so she's not going to be able to be a bridesmaid, as she doesn't want to have to worry about fitting into her dress and breastfeeding a newborn on the day.
fine - I have absolutely no problems with that and was very happy for her, and my plan was to just have seven bridesmaids which is plenty. however, DP just got home from work and said he'd had a text from his brother's wife (she's very very close to his side of the family) saying she can happily 'take over' from SIL?
firstly I don't see why she needs to 'take over' as it's not as if there were any specific duties that SIL had. secondly, brother's wife has already complained about the date of our wedding (it's the day after she gets back from a music festival), the venue (it's the one that her and BIL were looking at for their wedding reception last year, but it was booked and they ended up finding one they liked more) and said the colour of the dresses was ugly (they're khaki). she's not said any of this to me but instead to MIL/SIL/BIL who have relayed it back to us.
however if I tell her I don't want her to be a bridesmaid she'll cause a massive fuss (she has very few close female friends so I was a bridesmaid at hers last year - more out of filling space than intimacy) and DP's family will take her side, I know it.
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Antigon · 10/06/2019 19:59

Perhaps the dresses are just khaki coloured rather than khaki material? Khaki just means light brown/beige. I have a flowy long dress that colour, I love it.

AJPTaylor · 10/06/2019 19:59

Disclaimer. Don't understand big weddings but
You are having 8 bridesmaids.
You were her bridesmaid.
I reckon you are stuffed .

Original poster
titzillaa · 10/06/2019 20:00

Spinnaret as I mentioned in an earlier post, as far as I'm aware it is comments she's been making in general conversation which my in laws have then relayed back to me in general conversation, I don't think anyone meant any ill will but it's not exactly what I want to hear when I'm trying to make everything perfect

OP posts:
ShitAtScarbble · 10/06/2019 20:00

Eight bridesmaids in khaki Grin

Sounds like the title of a new Alexander McCall Smith book.

Or the punchline from a very bad joke!

Iris1654 · 10/06/2019 20:00

I would never wear khaki....sorry I agree with her, it’s a bit drab for a wedding.

I’d just say yes.

Bigfanofcheese · 10/06/2019 20:00

To PPs, it's 8 bridesmaids, not 80, not that remarkable, especially if someone has a big family!

Titz YANBU to be a bit miffed in light of her comments but these were heard second hand, possibly out of context and she hasn't really said anything outrageous.

Could you speak to her, say 'thanks' for offering to step in but you realise she wouldn't be long back from the festival and it would be a long day and try to gauge from that conversation whether she feels she is offering just to help out or genuinely wants to be involved? Make clear no problems have arisen from your friend cancelling (eg dresses have not been ordered yet if this is the case).

If the former, assure her that you are more than happy with 7 bridesmaids and would rather see her enjoy a relaxing day as a guest.

If she seems overly keen and you think it would make waves to say no, I cant see the harm in just letting her do it. She is family and you were bridesmaid at her wedding. Doesn't sound like you're sworn enemies, just not especially close. You'd already budgeted for 8 and sometimes it's expedient to flex a little in these circumstances. You might even become closer through the experience.

Original poster
titzillaa · 10/06/2019 20:02

it's khaki coloured...not khaki material. I'll try and find a link to similar material.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 10/06/2019 20:02

It sounds like MIL/SIL/BIL are clearly voicing their opinions by ‘quoting’ your SIL. If she really hated everything about your wedding it wouldn’t make sense for her to offer to be a bridesmaid.

I think you need to be careful OP. How the inlaws treat her will be how they treat you - they will chat shit about you behind your back and it will probably be worse because you have an on/off relationship with your DP.

dillusionaldog · 10/06/2019 20:03

i think its rude of you not to include her when you were asked by her to be fair. perhaps BIL is asking as SIL was hurt by not being invited (when clearly the rest of the town were).

i also think when your bridesmaids start to outnumber snow whites dwarfs its taking it too far and you need to scale back.

Iris1654 · 10/06/2019 20:04

Khaki just washes me out, it’s the worse colour for me. Not many people suit the colour.

Original poster
titzillaa · 10/06/2019 20:05

Bigfanofcheese thank you, that's actually all really helpful advice Smile Star I feel like she's offering to be involved as opposed to wanting to help out, but i'll try and have a conversation with her anyway. we've not ordered dresses or anything yet thankfully.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 10/06/2019 20:07

i also think when your bridesmaids start to outnumber snow whites dwarfs its taking it too far and you need to scale back.

**

Are hunners of bridesmaids not quite common in US weddings? I’ve seen quite a few US wedding pics with a high body count. They were wearing different dresses though.

Doobigetta · 10/06/2019 20:09

I think it would be pretty hurtful, a year after you had someone as your bridesmaid, to find you weren’t even their 9th choice.

Jenasaurus · 10/06/2019 20:09

I feel a bit sorry for her. She hasn’t many friends and you were her bridesmaid. She was probably hurt not to be asked in the first place. I am guessing she counts you as a friend if she asked you. Maybe the things she said were because she was a little miffed about not being asked. I would stand your ground on the other things like the date,dress,venue etc. But is it really worth the upset saying no to her

Original poster
titzillaa · 10/06/2019 20:11

i'm not going to scale back my bridesmaids because people on mumsnet think I have too many..

also as mentioned up thread, me and DP are very firmly 'on' now, we went through a rough patch over a couple of years ago when we were briefly long distance.

OP posts:
happybunny007 · 10/06/2019 20:12

I think from what the OP is saying she’s not in the UK and large gangs of bridesmaids are more common there.

Original poster
titzillaa · 10/06/2019 20:13

me and BIL's wife are really not that close now, we rarely see each other as she lives an hour and a half away.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 10/06/2019 20:14

i'm not going to scale back my bridesmaids because people on mumsnet think I have too many..

I don’t think ppl are seriously expecting you to do that, esp since you’ve asked them.

But some are of the view that adding one more in the circumstances wouldn’t kill.

Original poster
titzillaa · 10/06/2019 20:15

sorry I am in the UK Smile but where I live everyone seems to have a lot of bridesmaids, certainly everyone in my family has had at least 5/6

OP posts:
Bigfanofcheese · 10/06/2019 20:15

Glad to be of help!

Oh and i think khaki/ olive green is nice. I have fair colouring and dark blonde hair and it looks flattering whereas more 'bridesmaidy' pastels really wash me out and somehow make my hair appear duller and without its natural high and low lights.

broken1982 · 10/06/2019 20:18

8 bridesmaids...give me strength!

AryaStarkWolf · 10/06/2019 20:18

As she is married she can't be a bridesmaid.
I don't think people actually follow that rule anymore.

broken1982 · 10/06/2019 20:19

Oh and KHAKI?!

LittlePaintBox · 10/06/2019 20:21

You are, hopefully, going to be members of the same family for a long time. I'd really avoid causing a resentment over the wedding that may carry on down the years.

If you were her bridesmaid, maybe she asked you because she likes you, and doesn't feel any of the reservations you now feel about her?

And what exactly is the difference between being a bridezilla, as you say she was, and wanting your wedding to be perfect, as you say you do?

FenellaMaxwell · 10/06/2019 20:22

If you have 7 then what’s one more, especially as you were her bridesmaid.

Swipe left for the next trending thread