Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in law's wife has decided to be bridesmaid

179 replies

titzillaa · 10/06/2019 19:12

long time lurker, so I know what the consensus is on in law wedding threads, but I have an inlaw wedding dilemma!

so me and DP have been together on/off for six years and engaged for two. we've finally set a date for the wedding and started planning, I've decided on eight bridesmaids (my 2 x Dsis, my cousin, four friends and DP's sister who I'm very close to). however, DP's sister texted me earlier announcing that she's pregnant (due january) and so she's not going to be able to be a bridesmaid, as she doesn't want to have to worry about fitting into her dress and breastfeeding a newborn on the day.
fine - I have absolutely no problems with that and was very happy for her, and my plan was to just have seven bridesmaids which is plenty. however, DP just got home from work and said he'd had a text from his brother's wife (she's very very close to his side of the family) saying she can happily 'take over' from SIL?
firstly I don't see why she needs to 'take over' as it's not as if there were any specific duties that SIL had. secondly, brother's wife has already complained about the date of our wedding (it's the day after she gets back from a music festival), the venue (it's the one that her and BIL were looking at for their wedding reception last year, but it was booked and they ended up finding one they liked more) and said the colour of the dresses was ugly (they're khaki). she's not said any of this to me but instead to MIL/SIL/BIL who have relayed it back to us.
however if I tell her I don't want her to be a bridesmaid she'll cause a massive fuss (she has very few close female friends so I was a bridesmaid at hers last year - more out of filling space than intimacy) and DP's family will take her side, I know it.
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 10/06/2019 20:25

Tell her that you are grateful for her offering to step in but you realised it was a lot originally and with that with one less it will be more manageable, that you felt you need to let the unmarried girls have a dress up.
Also you know she will only be back hours before the wedding and you wanted her to not have any worries on her holiday about getting back in time for pre wedding prep.

ravenmum · 10/06/2019 20:28

So you filled in as a bridesmaid at her wedding, and now someone told her that your bridesmaid dropped out, so she suggested that she could return the favour you did her.

If you don't want that, just say "Oh, how kind, but actually, it's fine, I have loads more bridesmaids, it will actually be a relief having one fewer to be honest". That way you're offering an explanation as to why you were hers, but don't want her to be yours.

Thegreymethod · 10/06/2019 20:30

OP ignore all these bitchy responses about the number of bridesmaids or colour they are wearing they have no idea about your life or your wedding. It's your wedding not theirs and you didn't ask for advice about that.
No advice because I'm soft and would find the whole thing so awkward that I'd just agree but you shouldn't feel like you have too if that's not you.

Oneminuteandthenallgone · 10/06/2019 20:32

Is it more snow cammo than khaki?

PennyBryn · 10/06/2019 20:35

So she hasn’t actually spoken to you directly? She has text your partner?

Get him to text back all friendly “Ha that’s definitely not my department, you need to speak to Titz.....” and wait and see if she asks you directly. If she doesn’t all good. If she texts, suggest you talk about it next time you see each other in person

Then when you next speak face to face you can judge better if this is worth causing a potential issue over

I do agree that it’s totally your choice and right to have whatever wedding you desire but you also have to live with the consequences. Some things are worth assertively sticking to your guns over, only you can’t decide if this is one of them

LJdorothy · 10/06/2019 20:37

I'd be more worried about all these negative remarks being 'passed on' by other relatives. That isn't nice of them, not to you and not to your SIL. Are you sure you want to be part of this family at all?

Stiffasaboard · 10/06/2019 20:38

Laughing at you calling her a bridezilla as you declare drama about your hundreds of khaki bridesmaids and who has moaned about the venue etc when it’s not even the YEAR of your wedding yet Grin

Oh but the next few months are going to be fabulous I’m sure

Do be sure to post about your hen party won’t you?

Livelovebehappy · 10/06/2019 20:40

How absolutely delightful of your MIL, BIL and SIL to relay back comments she has made. I actually feel sorry for her - sounds like she’s treated badly by the entire family!

EarringsandLipstick · 10/06/2019 20:43

dillusionaldog

i also think when your bridesmaids start to outnumber snow whites dwarfs its taking it too far and you need to scale back.

😂😂😂 Brilliant!

Pharlapwasthebest · 10/06/2019 20:49

Decide if it is a battle worth fighting, and then stick with your decision. It’s your day, and you can do it however you want.

clubchair · 10/06/2019 20:54

It seems silly and short sighted to cause such a rift in the new family you're joining. If she's an hour and a half away that's not far at all. If you and she have kids you might find yourselves seeing more of each other as family gatherings or holidays tend to become more frequent when grandchildren come along.

It really wouldn't matter to you very much to add one more to 7. Most people on this thread are saying the same. Why did you post if you've not taken that on board?

Many of us have been there and done that with regards to in laws or family acting like CFs. Your problem seems rather minor, particularly as you were her bridesmaid. In the grand scheme of things is it really worth it?

mumwon · 10/06/2019 20:56

dear bil wife
so kind of you but don't worry we have sorted things out now- & I wouldn't want to take advantage of your good & generous offer - would rather you relax & enjoy the day without any stress! so looking forward to seeing you at the wedding
all our love
etc
& get your tongue unwrapped from behind your teeth :)

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/06/2019 21:02

titzillaa

she's not said any of this to me but instead to MIL/SIL/BIL who have relayed it back to us.

Guess whose shooting their only back up in the face when this family turns on you.

EvaHarknessRose · 10/06/2019 21:02

She has been slating your wedding because she feels slighted by you not asking her to be a bridesmaid. Now she is trying to regain some status. Politically this puts you in a no win situation. I would continue to take a relaxed approach and go with it, otherwise you will be the bad guy to everyone and who needs that?

maimainomai · 10/06/2019 21:10

8 bridesmaids, 9 bridesmaids... Pretty much the same imo tbh.

The nasty comments however... Yeah, I agree. You don't need that near you on your special day. But Idk how to do that diplomatically...

No bridesmaids sounds like it would be less fuss. (you only need witnesses to sign,right? Actually, Idk how you handle this in the UK.)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/06/2019 21:15

God there's some shitty posters having a laugh at your expense, OP. So very pathetic.

I agree with the advice about letting her be bridesmaid, she'll be in your family for the long-haul and if it's just a difference personality type then surely there's room for that?

I'm also fair with blonde hair and suit khaki so I don't know what the fuss is about with the colour. Have what you want OP and never mind what randoms on a chatboard say.

TriciaH87 · 10/06/2019 21:25

I would try saying I thought I would stick with 7. You have the festival the day before so won't be about if needed and that you have cancelled the dress already. Might get you out of it.

Looking4wards · 10/06/2019 21:39

Doesn't matter if the OP decided to have 1 bridesmaid or 20. It's her decision, not the BIL's wife's decision! OP I'd tell her thanks but no thanks, you've already re-arranged things to work with 7 and you like the new plans.
If you cave to her demand this time, she'll only grow bolder. Who knows what you'll get railroaded into in the future?

Jarjarblinks · 10/06/2019 21:56

What purpose is there in being sneery at the OPs choice in dress colour and number of bridesmaids?! I get you must be in a bad place in your lives to be hiding behind your keyboard trying to make other people feel like shit but try to remember this is a real person here.

OP just tell her no thanks. You will resent her in your photos forever if you cave in just for the sake of it!

TheStruth · 10/06/2019 22:02

You were her bridesmaid, she's your SIL. Just let her be bridesmaid. What harm will it do 🤷🏼‍♀️

Chickenwing · 10/06/2019 22:10

Nothing wrong with 8 bridesmaids or khaki colour. Ignore those being mean for no reason.

I also dont think that because you were someone's bridesmaid means they must be one of yours. I've been bridesmaid 4 times and none of them are my bridesmaids (I'm only having 3) as your bridesmaids should be the women closest to you.

Just tell her thanks for the offer but you are actually relieved to have one less due to the expense... his family have no right to be annoyed, it's your wedding.

FIRSTTIMEMUMMA81 · 10/06/2019 22:11

Wow, the OP didnt ask for anyone's opinion on number of BMs or colour of dress... she wanted to know what to do about the other soon to be SIL. Whether you are having 1 or 7, everyone should be important to you. Don't mention it, ignore it and it will go away.

number1wang · 10/06/2019 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlphaBites · 10/06/2019 22:15

@Number1wang 😂😂

cheesemongery · 10/06/2019 22:15

She has been slating your wedding because she feels slighted by you not asking her to be a bridesmaid.

Absolutely this.

I think she's originally felt very hurt by not being asked, especially after she asked you (and no she probably didn't need a fill in, maybe she actually wanted you as her bridesmaid) so has tried to save face by a bit of moaning about the wedding.

So she's put herself out there again (I mean nobody ever really wants to do it) and you're going to say no.

I think YABU - just let her do it, obvs it comes before her music festival etc otherwise she wouldn't have cared enough to offer.