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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in law's wife has decided to be bridesmaid

179 replies

titzillaa · 10/06/2019 19:12

long time lurker, so I know what the consensus is on in law wedding threads, but I have an inlaw wedding dilemma!

so me and DP have been together on/off for six years and engaged for two. we've finally set a date for the wedding and started planning, I've decided on eight bridesmaids (my 2 x Dsis, my cousin, four friends and DP's sister who I'm very close to). however, DP's sister texted me earlier announcing that she's pregnant (due january) and so she's not going to be able to be a bridesmaid, as she doesn't want to have to worry about fitting into her dress and breastfeeding a newborn on the day.
fine - I have absolutely no problems with that and was very happy for her, and my plan was to just have seven bridesmaids which is plenty. however, DP just got home from work and said he'd had a text from his brother's wife (she's very very close to his side of the family) saying she can happily 'take over' from SIL?
firstly I don't see why she needs to 'take over' as it's not as if there were any specific duties that SIL had. secondly, brother's wife has already complained about the date of our wedding (it's the day after she gets back from a music festival), the venue (it's the one that her and BIL were looking at for their wedding reception last year, but it was booked and they ended up finding one they liked more) and said the colour of the dresses was ugly (they're khaki). she's not said any of this to me but instead to MIL/SIL/BIL who have relayed it back to us.
however if I tell her I don't want her to be a bridesmaid she'll cause a massive fuss (she has very few close female friends so I was a bridesmaid at hers last year - more out of filling space than intimacy) and DP's family will take her side, I know it.
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
derxa · 10/06/2019 22:20

'hunners' Grin

BackwardsGoing · 10/06/2019 22:20

8 bridesmaids is mad.

OkPedro · 10/06/2019 22:34

dexra I can’t decide if that poster meant to say Hunnerz ? made me laugh though!

OkPedro · 10/06/2019 22:35

Sorry derxa Blush

BloodyNorasNeighbour · 10/06/2019 22:35

Snow cammo 😂

JockTamsonsBairns · 10/06/2019 22:45

number1wang GrinGrin

AwfulMum123 · 10/06/2019 22:57

I think of this colour when I hear khaki. I reckon it’s a colour that would suit lots of people. www.colorsbridesmaid.com/p/glamorous-a-line-short-sleeve-floor-length-ruching-plus-size-bridesmaid-dresses-42189/olive-green.html

I’m on the fence re. the SIL being a bridesmaid. I had a bridesmaid that hadn’t chosen me to be one at her wedding a couple of years earlier. I still wanted her regardless. I also had a bridesmaid who when/if she gets married would be unlikely to choose me either! Both friends have sisters and lots of other female relatives which I don’t have. I am not fussed in the slightest. I had who I wanted, they’re were/are free to do the same.

stayathomer · 10/06/2019 23:02

I do like the way she asked though saying she'd help fill in, that doesn't really match up to how you paint her. And I know they weren't saying ' guess what she said,' but they did still relay it back, didn't they? Perhaps they were just having some form of a conversation about weddings and she said she picked x for hers and wouldn't really have liked what you were having, but that's just chatter, isn't it? You were her bridesmaid, you have a spot to fill, I say try and put all of this behind you and best of luck with the wedding!

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 10/06/2019 23:04

you HAVE to have her as the 8th Bridesmaid, your photos will not be symmetrical otherwise

and please tell me there are eight best men, and a dance routine to get you all up the aisle?

Osirus · 10/06/2019 23:08

Ignore all the uncalled for bitchy comments about the colour and the number of bridesmaids. It’s not relevant and it’s rather mean.

You of course don’t have to accept your SIL’s offer. She probably was being a bit critical because she was disappointed she wasn’t asked in the first place.

You were her bridesmaid, and you say she has few friends. Perhaps she has never been a bridesmaid; maybe she never will. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but you know, sometimes, it can feel amazing to do something simply to be kind.

TapasForTwo · 10/06/2019 23:14

"Sorry you lost me at 8 bridesmaids...
Me too"

And me. What is it with weddings these days that people have to have 8 bridesmaids, hen dos abroad lasting several days, lots of fripperies and favours, destination weddings etc?

More and more weddings seems to be style over substance.

I would let her be a bridesmaid. No-one is going to notice her among the 7 others.

Allhailthesun · 10/06/2019 23:21

Another one who is staggered by eight bridesmaids.
And the fact that you were hers and didn’t include her in yours.
Let her join in. As you say, it’s not as if you even want them to do anything and the photos on insta will be asymmetrical.

Honeyroar · 10/06/2019 23:21

It seems a little bit mean to have left your SIL out when you're having so many bridesmaids anyway. I agree with people who have set that your (not very nice) gossipy family have probably fanned the flames and caused all the resentment between you two anyway. Surely they would work out that they'd be causing problems by telling you things she's said, and they'd be better to just keep quiet!

However, if you really don't want to add her into your group, be kind and polite. Use the excuse someone else suggested, saying you're letting the single girls have the limelight etc. Say your number of bridesmaids was getting out of hand and you're secretly pleased to be able to reduce the number..

Allhailthesun · 10/06/2019 23:29

To PP who think people are being mean and bitchy about the 8 bridesmaids. Well yes a bit. But the number makes a difference to the answer doesn’t it.
Adding an extra when you only have two is completely different to this scenario.
I love “olive green” as a dress colour btw. And it goes well with most flowers.

PregnantSea · 10/06/2019 23:33

Just let her be bridesmaid. She asked you only a year ago and she is obviously really keen. What would you lose by saying yes to her?

On a more selfish note, I promise you that you will never EVER hear the end of it if you don't let her. It's probably less hassle for you in the long run to let her be bridesmaid Grin

dreichuplands · 10/06/2019 23:35

Large numbers of bridesmaids are normal in US weddings and while I am a little disappointed that they aren't all in army camouflage olive green is a nice colour.
If you don't want her as a bridesmaid invent another job and give her that.

ChipSandwich · 10/06/2019 23:41

I think it would be pretty hurtful, a year after you had someone as your bridesmaid, to find you weren’t even their 9th choice

This.

Mil gossiping that bill's wife had been complaining about aspects of the wedding isn't something you just say in passing as part of conversation. It's so lacking in diplomacy that it really is stirring.

"Oh, btw, X said she thinks the colour of the dresses you've chosen is ugly" This sounds like gossip city. I feel sorry for Bil's wife.

DoctorDread · 10/06/2019 23:43

@number1wang wins the internet tonight! Grin

Passtherioja · 10/06/2019 23:43

Well, if your SIL is on Mumsnet I'm pretty sure your cover will be blown!

8 bridesmaids-1 drops out and SIL volunteers to wear a khaki dress and you were her bridesmaid last year.

Now, I'm sure the dresses are lovely and everyone's reaction is because they can't see them but they will be rare...be careful she's not watching this thread OP!!

LillithsFamiliar · 10/06/2019 23:44

Let her be a BM. It will make her happy. It will make your ILs happy. It will make your DH-to-be 's life easier. Plus you were pretty rude not to ask her in the first place since she had you as her's so recently.

SandyY2K · 10/06/2019 23:48

8 bridesmaids is not out of this world. I'm suprised ppl are focusing on that. Everyone is individual and decides the size of their bridal party accordingly.

I had 5 and 2 flower girls and a mini bride.

My cousin had 5 of her sisters, a SIL and a friend.

Some people don't have any bridesmaids at all.

Some folk pop to the pub for the reception...others have a lavish country manor wedding.

Failure to recognise differences and being critical is rather myopic and judgemental. It may not be your choice, but it's not ridiculous.

OP... regardless of how the comments were relayed to you, your inlaws shouldn't have said anything. Nothing positive could come from that...and it would only make you have a negative view of her.

Why doesn't your DP say that you are responsible for the bridesmaids and he should tell his brother that SIL needs to speak to you directly.

The bridesmaids were my choice....the clue is in the name
The groomsmen were DHs choice.

MrsCollinssettled · 10/06/2019 23:58

Sandy what's a mini bride? I've never come across that before.

SandyY2K · 11/06/2019 00:00

Ignore all the uncalled for bitchy comments about the colour and the number of bridesmaids. It’s not relevant and it’s rather mean

I totally agree. What a boring world it would be if we all had the same taste and choices for our weddings.

If ppl fly off to Vegas for stag and hen parties, it's their choice. It may not be what I would do, but it's not my place to label it ridiculous.

Planning a wedding is stressful enough, without criticism, but in all honesty the ppl commenting are nothing to you, so don't let it upset you.

Do what you're doing because....

Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter

I do love that quote.

SandyY2K · 11/06/2019 00:14

MrsCollinssettled

Sandy what's a mini bride? I've never come across that before.

It's a little girl dressed up in a white dress, like a mini version of the bride.

It's quite common in my culture for the white/church wedding.

I think a lot of people on MN are not very aware of diversity and cultural differences, that make occasions like weddings different. Different, does not mean ridiculous.

A friend told me about a wedding she went to and it was considered small in her culture... there were 450 guests!

It doesn't always have to be a cultural issue...it could just be the family and how they do things.

PregnantSea · 11/06/2019 00:20

@Sandy you are spot on about some users on here having no awareness of other cultures and customs. I am from the UK originally but I haven't lived there in a long time and pretty much every thread I've posted on here has had some people commenting that things I'm talking about are ridiculous/illegal/impossible etc and it's as if people can't even comprehend the possibility that you might not be a white middle class christian-heritage Brit living in the South East of England

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