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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

647 replies

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:37

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

OP posts:

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 15:22

Being a woman isn't a protected characteristic.

Being a disabled woman is.

Original poster

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 15:22

My husband is MASSIVELY supportive with breastfeeding.
In cluster feeding hell he brought snacks and drinks. He picked up more than his share of chores. He held me when I sobbed at 3am because it’s really fucking hard sometimes.

He did not come to the support group. There’s no need to do that to support me.

OP posts:

S1naidSucks · 10/06/2019 15:23

I am sick to the back teeth of women being told to get over themselves for having privacy boundaries and wanting to exclude men. The right to REFUSE men access to areas that women feel vulnerable in should ALWAYS overrule the rights of those that say men should be there, inclusion, bla bla. Stop telling women that their rights don’t matter.

I don’t think anyone should be there, other than the child and mother. If that means excluding sisters, pils, female partners, so be it. It’s about breastfeeding babies and the woman that is feeding them, no one else.

Illberidingshotgun · 10/06/2019 15:23

anothernotherone what older children? I just took the babies. Both had issues with feeding. I guess he should have just sat in the car and I went and got one at a time.

Original poster

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 15:24

Being a woman isn't a protected characteristic.

Is sex not a protected characteristic according to the equalities act?

OP posts:

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 15:24

Nicci It is about reasonable adjustments. So a disabled changing room for swimming, rather than allowing a male carer for a disabled woman into a woman only communal changing room.

I am disabled by the way.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2019 15:25

Very inappropriate for him to be there. They need to state that it is for breastfeeding women only. They could have a session for men as well but otherwise they should definitely stay away.

Kel801 · 10/06/2019 15:25

Wouldn’t and didn’t bother me in the slightest. It can be a great support for women to have their husbands go to a group and help learn techniques etc etc .

Ratbagratty · 10/06/2019 15:25

@ChewbaccaHutchinsCool how else are they going to learn if they aren't there? It is our job to track them they don't have the breasts!

And I really really struggled to breastfeed my for 3 months, my DH came to every breastfeeding group session I went to, not because I couldn't do it on my own, but because I was a mess, baby was losing weight and HV wanted me to go to formula. It was my DH who supported my breastfeeding choice, helped with latching, positions, drove (when I wasn't allowed), remembered the advice, and got us to 14months of breastfeeding and another 14 and still going with number 2, thanks to going to the support groups with me.

There were other males there too. It's the mindset that needs to change.

Breastfeeding groups are not just for mum and baby they are for the family, so they can learn to feed their child together.

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 15:26

Yes sex is a protected characteristic. It is why it is legal to have women only groups.

Original poster

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 15:26

I guess he should have just sat in the car and I went and got one at a time.

Do you have twins? Very impressive feeding both, we’ve got several mums with twins at our group and I’m in awe. I struggle with one!

OP posts:

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 15:27

It's horrendous that some women on here actually would rather a baby not be fed than let a male carer into a breastfeeding group. Really says a lot about the person.

CassianAndor · 10/06/2019 15:27

Sex is most certainly a protected characteristic.

OP - agreed. DH was completely supportive of me bfing (having been bfed himself, which I wasn't - MIL was also v helpful) and his support meant doing absolutely everything around the house for the weeks it took to get established, always making me lunch before he left for work, filling my water bottle before he left - all that kind of thing.

My NCT friends were a great help too as we shared tips.

And the breastfeeding group in the library was.

anothernotherone · 10/06/2019 15:28

Illberidingshotgun ok, you said DC not babies, it sounded as though you took children with you. He should not have been at a breastfeeding group unless specifically for partners. A man being there will make many vulnerable women uncomfortable or unable to participate and seek the help and support they need.

S1naidSucks · 10/06/2019 15:29

There were other males there too. It's the mindset that needs to change.

So women need to get over any issues they have with men being there while they breastfed? I wonder how many women decided the classes weren’t for them, because men were there? I doubt we’ll ever know, because they will have just quietly stopped going, because society has gone back to the stage where women are being told that saying no is narrow minded, no matter the reason they might feel like that.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2019 15:29

It's horrendous that some women on here actually would rather a baby not be fed than let a male carer into a breastfeeding group. Really says a lot about the person.

What about the babies of the women who won't go to the group because of men being there not being fed?

NicciLovesSundays · 10/06/2019 15:30

@anothernotherone I agree its not a perfect model and the points you have made are why I said there are no perfect solutions - unless as you say all of the various options (group, one to one etc) are provided.

AgileLass · 10/06/2019 15:30

It's horrendous that some women on here actually would rather a baby not be fed than let a male carer into a breastfeeding group. Really says a lot about the person.

I don’t think anyone has said that, have they? They’ve suggested that a bfing mother and her male carer should arrange to be seen separately or at home.

By the same token, I could suggest that your posts amount to actually rathering a baby not be fed rather than preserve female only spaces for bfing mothers...

S1naidSucks · 10/06/2019 15:31

It's horrendous that some women on here actually would rather a baby not be fed than let a male carer into a breastfeeding group. Really says a lot about the person.

What’s horrendous is the fact that people are trying to guilt trip women into denying their feelings and accepting men in a group that should be supportive of females who would feel uncomfortable around men.

OrchidInTheSun · 10/06/2019 15:31

TheDeflector. Sex is a protected characteristic

CassianAndor · 10/06/2019 15:31

all I can say is that I hope those who strongly feel that men should be allowed in breastfeeding groups are actively working to set mixed sex groups up in their area.

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 15:32

I dont know why I bother with these threads, In practice it always seems to be the women that want men there who get their way anyway. And women like me just vote with our feet. But nobody really cares.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2019 15:32

how else are they going to learn if they aren't there? It is our job to track them they don't have the breasts!

How else are they going to learn to do what? If you mean breastfeeding then they don't need to learn.

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 15:33

Someone literally said I should be excluded. Due to my disabilities.

Mumsnet is a very, very ableist place at the best of times, but this thread is an eye-opener.

Illberidingshotgun · 10/06/2019 15:33

Sexnotgender yes twins. Way past the feeding stage now! The drop in we went to encouraged dads to attend. As I mentioned, he wasn't the only one there. Most of us there (from what I recall) had newborns, so we were very much focused on these alien beings that had appeared in our lives, and generally functioning in the fog and exhaustion that a newborn brings. There was little chatting really, just went there for the professional support. Perhaps a bit different from the group you go to.

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