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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

647 replies

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:37

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

OP posts:
AuchAyeTheNo · 10/06/2019 15:35

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Why is it selfish and disrespectful? On the days my DH couldn’t attend, I didn’t request that other supporting partners were removed from the group.

Why does some mother’s needs to have it a ‘breast’ only group trump others who perhaps at that particular time really rely on their partners support?!

It’s times like this I’m glad I’m not a father. How are we support to start changing attitudes towards breast feeding especially in public when we can’t even allow partners into a class!

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 15:35

TheDeflector I said that, I am disabled. It is about reasonable adjustments, so yes you should have a service. That does not mean you have to attend the group.

Celebelly · 10/06/2019 15:35

I suspect a lot of people on this thread haven't been in the situation where you have both boobs out, a screaming baby who won't latch, and a lactation consultant squeezing your nipples to get milk out and rubbing it around baby's mouth, moulding your boob to try and make it a better shape for baby's mouth, etc. It's a very exposed and vulnerable thing, and damn right I don't want to do it in front of a man who isn't my partner.

We had a lactation consultant come out to the house and my DP sat in for that and took notes, but having seen what went on and how exposed I was (emotionally as well as physically), no way in hell would he come somewhere that would make other women in my position uncomfortable.

anothernotherone · 10/06/2019 15:36

TheDeflector are you unable to understand that a man being there will mean other women are unable to participate?

Sex, pregnancy and maternity are all protected characteristics. The post partum phase is an incredibly vulnerable one for most women. All sorts of women will feel too uncomfortable and vulnerable to participate in a breastfeeding support group, with their breasts exposed with other women's male partners present.

Everyone's needs should be accommodated, but not all in one group. Same sex spaces are necessary in specific situations and vulnerable women with the protected characteristic in this case of both sex and maternity should not be told to put up or shut up.

Two groups - one with partners/ supporters, one breastfeeding women only, would be a reasonable solution. Shaming vulnerable post partum women for being too uncomfortable to access breastfeeding support sitting in close proximity to unknown men is not.

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 15:36

Jenny - you don't seem to be understanding that I live in a rural area where groups are the only option. There are no home visits, or 1-2-1 appointments. There are groups. That's it. If I couldn't attend with my male carer, my baby wouldn't have been breast fed.

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 15:37

Another - so because someone feels uncomfortable means that they have more rights than someone who cannot physically hold their baby?

Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2019 15:38

TheDeflector I said that, I am disabled. It is about reasonable adjustments, so yes you should have a service. That does not mean you have to attend the group.

I agree and I am disabled too. If your DH honestly could bring you and then wait outside the room then you would need a separate session with him. Your baby isn't more important than those of the mother who wouldn't/couldn't attend if men were there.

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 15:39

AuchAyeTheNo I would not worry if I was you, generally women who push to get men into single sex groups, win. And not all women want to breastfeed in public. Saying to women if you want to breastfeed that has to mean in public is wrong IMO.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2019 15:39

could couldn't

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 15:40

Not sure how many times I'll have to say that he was needed to hold the baby to my breast as I can't use my arms, and that there were no separate sessions. I think this is the...fourth time now?

Illberidingshotgun · 10/06/2019 15:40

anothernotherone at the time (it may be different now) the drop-in sessions encouraged partners to go as well so I was just sharing our experience. I didn't realise that it was inappropriate for him to be there too, so I can only apologise. As I said, way past that stage now.

SoHotADragonRetired · 10/06/2019 15:42

Yes. We've heard you. And a simple and perfectly reasonable solution would be for you to get your help in another room or simply be helped first in a screened off corner. But your DH does not get to stay and participate in the group.

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 15:42

TheDeflector They need to make reasonable adjustments for disabled people. Their solution is just to ignore the need for some women to have single sex help.

Anyway, it does not really matter. You got your DP there, and women like me would have simply left.

NicciLovesSundays · 10/06/2019 15:42

@jennymanara I guess it depends on what you think the service being provided is. If its about accessing the support of a specialist only sure a reasonable adjustment could be providing that support in a different setting but what if you consider the main service to be receiving support from peers - the comparison to changing rooms just doesnt hold up in that case. Personally I would hate to exclude someone from a group because I was uncomfortable with their carer being there.

Any person can behave inappropriately and when they do we should call them out on it but we shouldn't make assumptions that someone is going to behave badly because of gender.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2019 15:42

Not sure how many times I'll have to say that he was needed to hold the baby to my breast as I can't use my arms, and that there were no separate sessions. I think this is the...fourth time now?

They would need to organise separate sessions then. Your DH presumably wouldn't go into ladies changing rooms with you. You would need use separate ones.

anothernotherone · 10/06/2019 15:43

Ratbagratty it isn't the job of other women to budge up for your husband. Do you not care that his presence prevented the participation of other women who wanted to breastfeed?

Women absolutely do not have to give up necessary single sex spaces which enable them to participate in activities or access support in order to educate men about female biology!

A man in the space will inevitably drive some other women away and prevent them accessing the service. Those women will have their reasons for being unable to just get over not wanting to expose themselves at their most vulnerable in front of unknown men.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 15:43

Thedeflector yours seems like a fairly unique situation and I’m sure our group could have made some reasonable adjustments to accommodate you and your carer. I hope your breastfeeding journey went wellFlowers

OP posts:
TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 15:43

Fifth time! That service wasn't offered.

He did get to stay and participate. The midwives/lactation specialists/HVs and other parents were all very supportive. Thankfully, in real life, most people aren't ableist.

AuchAyeTheNo · 10/06/2019 15:44

jenny I could not breastfeed in public no matter how hard I tried. Friends of mine were fabulous at it.

This thread has been shocking imo. Someone said earlier that Woman supporting Woman is a fantastic thing. Certainly none of that on this thread!

Celebelly · 10/06/2019 15:44

@TheDeflector Could the people who run the group not have held a one to one session with you both, given your circumstances, if you had contacted them? I wouldn't have thought a group setting was the best for your very specialised situation either or somewhere where you would get enough attention.

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 15:45

It did thank you, OP. Everyone who helped us was incredible.

Your DH presumably wouldn't go into ladies changing rooms with you

He does, actually. In most women's clothes shops where I live, the disabled cubicle is inside the female changing rooms. He has never been challenged, stopped or even looked at in a funny way. I guess the big, fuck off wheelchair gives people a clue as to why he's there.

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 15:46

Nocci I would not care about the group element, just the practical help. But I would not get offered a separate session because I did not want to do that in front of random men.

Celebelly · 10/06/2019 15:47

Also I live in a fairly big village and our local group doesn't have lactation consultants or midwives there, so it sounds like you actually do have access to quite a few resources! If they are attending that group, I don't understand why they can't see you for a one to one session, even if it's not necessarily at home. I had to pay privately for a lactation consultant to visit us as there was no other support nearby.

anothernotherone · 10/06/2019 15:47

Illberidingshotgun in that case it sounds as though the group you attended wasn't a breastfeeding support group for breastfeeding women but a couples group? If partners were encouraged then it wasn't inappropriate. Hopefully there was a breastfeeding support group just for mothers though, because loads of women would be far too uncomfortable, or indeed completely unable for other reasons such as religion or culture or past trauma, to access hands on breadtfeeding support in a mixed sex group.

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 15:47

Nicci A changing room with door or curtain is a private cubicle. He would not be allowed into a communal changing area with no privacy.

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