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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

647 replies

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:37

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

OP posts:
jennymanara · 10/06/2019 15:01

nicci No real inclusion is offering a separate consultation, or offering a female carer.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 15:01

Studies show women are more likely to continue breastfeeding longer if they are supported by their partner.

Support doesn’t necessarily equal going to a support group.

OP posts:
Cuppaand2biscuits · 10/06/2019 15:01

If its a Surestart or health centre run group then it could be the mum is struggling with mental health or post natal depression and they are trying to sign post her to groups for support. She might not have the confidence or strength to go by herself to begin with.
Admittedly it would be better if she could take a sister/mum/friend along but maybe no one else is available.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 15:04

Sorry but fuck off with saying we’re not welcoming. Nothing cliquey about it at all you goady arsehole.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 15:04

Not sure start or health centre run.

OP posts:
Thursday452poh · 10/06/2019 15:05

Maybe she’s suffering from really back PND and the only way she feels comfortable being out and about is with the support of her Hubbie?

Dreamingofkfc · 10/06/2019 15:05

Seriously we need to normalize breastfeeding. Why can't a man be there? He needs to support his family...maybe the mum needed him there. Cannot believe people have so many issues with this!

seven201 · 10/06/2019 15:07

The breastfeeding group where I live encourages men to come in. It used to be linked to the weigh in clinic so often new babies were there with both parents. My dh was more or less forced in by the organisers. I've got very small boobs, even when breastfeeding, and didn't like getting them out in public but just got on with it. Looking back I don't know why I didn't support dh in having an excuse to get out of the room! I guess their rationale probably is that no woman should ever feel embarrassed to be feeding in public so it helps ease people into it. Just my thoughts.

NicciLovesSundays · 10/06/2019 15:07

"I was having problems with my latch and the way the consultant fixed it was to pull my baby off my boob and get me to put him back on again, over and over again. If there had been anyone in that room other than women who were also sitting there with their tits out, I would have walked straight out again" @OrchidInTheSun

I would be pretty mortified by that whether it was a group of people I knew, a group of breastfeeding women or a mixed gender group. Surely there are others ways this support can be provided? For instance with private time with the consultant before or after a group for more peer to peer support?

AmeriAnn · 10/06/2019 15:08

I would have left if a man came in. I feel uncomfortable and leave when a man is following his wife around the women's underwear action in a store. When I was younger they seemed more interested in the knickers I was looking at than what their wife was doing.

When I had my first baby (70's) my midwife asked me to come to her office before I left the hospital and she gave me breastfeeding tips. I remember she told me to relax, put my feet up and have an alcoholic beverage in the evening to help the baby sleep. That's all I remember.

Ghanagirl · 10/06/2019 15:09

@Bibijayne
As a student nurse aged 18 on postnatal ward it was strict 09.30pm home time for partners and one of the jobs as a student was to ring the bell and ask people to leave bare in mind I looked around 13 and was nurses uniform the amount of grown men who would shout, intimidate and swear at us to the point that the later on had the security guards from A&E ringing the bell.
I don’t think women always speak out when vulnerable and the amount of women who watched us student nurses being bullied by their was an eyeopener.
Funnily enough they didn’t utter a word to the security guards

AmeriAnn · 10/06/2019 15:09

*Section not action

Illberidingshotgun · 10/06/2019 15:09

My ex came with me when I attended one a few days after birth. I couldn't drive myself, and needed an extra pair of hands to look after the DC whilst there. He wasn't the only man there.

resisterpersister · 10/06/2019 15:09

She might not have the confidence or strength to go by herself to begin with

Or, she might have a controlling partner who won't let her do anything on her own.

Or, she might have a partner who wants to get a look at women's boobs (you may have noticed breasts are fetishised in our culture?!!)

Or, she might have a partner who has a specific fetish about lactating women. (Not uncommon).

Men fetishise women's bodies, and porn introduces them to stuff like lactation porn. Many women are self conscious about BFing in public at first specifically because of not being comfortable in the knowledge that men might be perving on them. Introducing men to the very support groups designed to help them deal with this is not on.

anothernotherone · 10/06/2019 15:10

Dreamingofkfc because one man being there will drive multiple women away.

You can just tell women to get over not wanting to get their tits out in front of men they don't know, but you can't make them do so.

Why is the answer to multiple women feeling vulnerable partially clothed in front of men to tell them to be more welcoming? Why does the man take precedence over multiple women at a breastfeeding support group?

Bloody hell...

SarahAndQuack · 10/06/2019 15:11

I think unless it's made very clear to everyone before a group meeting that partners are allowed, they shouldn't come. And I think most of the meetings should be just for women breastfeeding. I was the non-birth mum and would have felt inappropriate going with my DP, definitely.

Celebelly · 10/06/2019 15:12

I think it depends on what kind of group it is. There's one near us that's just sitting around and chatting and the only thing different from a 'normal' mum and baby group is that everyone is breastfeeding. I wouldn't care if a man had been at that.

However, if it's a group where women will be getting help with their latch, potentially having to be quite exposed while peer supporters or lactation consultants try to help then that's another story. I think it's entirely justified that women at a group like that would feel uncomfortable with a man there. God knows half of the maternity hospital saw my nipples when my DD arrived as she couldn't latch and I had all and sundry coming and and grabbing my boobs, but I would have felt very uncomfortable with that kind of assistance and sitting completely exposed somewhere where a strange man, no matter how supportive.

I'm not a 'discreet' breastfeeder, I don't use covers etc. but there's a lot of difference between breastfeeding and someone helping you to establish or perfect it, requiring usually quite a lot of, and extended, exposure. Women-only spaces for stuff like this should be a given. And I say that as someone whose DP sat in with our lactation consultant when she visited and helped a lot to get my DD physically latched on.

NicciLovesSundays · 10/06/2019 15:13

"No real inclusion is offering a separate consultation, or offering a female carer." @jennymanara**

are you saying the way to include a person with disabilities is to exclude them from accessing services with their peers or to offer everyone a separate consultation?

anothernotherone · 10/06/2019 15:13

Illberidingshotgun why didn't he drive you there, help you in 8f necessary and then go elsewhere with the older children?

Why on earth did your man and older children hang around at the breastfeeding support group?

That's utterly inappropriate!

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 15:14

Also why the push to make women breastfeed in public? Some women do want to breastfeed but not in public.

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/06/2019 15:15

Sex not gender - why are you so aggressive to people disagreeing with you op? A lot of people do not agree that a man shouldn't be there.
I get why but I also see why not. It's okay for people to disagree without being told to fuck off etc

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 15:17

No but he could either be seen with you at home or come at the end for chat just the two of you.

As I've already said, these things aren't offered in my area. A "chat" at the end doesn't help me pick up a baby and latch it on when I can't use my arms or legs. Perhaps I should have been concentrating on teaching a week old baby to float.

I don't want a female carer, thanks. My husband is my carer. I also have PTSD and my husband being with me is part of his caring.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 15:20

spanglyprincess I reacted negatively to one poster. Not all, just one because they were rude.

I’m open to hearing other points of view.

OP posts:
anothernotherone · 10/06/2019 15:20

NicciLovesSundays those neat little diagrams are as limited as any meme or soundbite. Reality is never that simplistic. The reality is that including males in intimate all female groups where women are vulnerable and exposed excludes other women. Including one man will drive away or limit the participation of multiple vulnerable women.

Including some people excludes others. In situations where everyone is vulnerable nobody should be being told to put up or shut up.

There need to be separate groups - one with partners/ carers and one without - or individual appointments.

That diagram gets trotted out a lot but it's misleading in cases where an entire group is vulnerable. Being able to illustrate something as a pretty meme doesn't make it the whole picture/ truth.

pigsDOfly · 10/06/2019 15:20

My DD's DH is massively supportive with breastfeeding.

When she had awful mastitis, fortunately, while he was on paternity leave he looked after the baby the whole time whilst she slept and brought her (baby) to my DD for feeds. But there's no way he would have felt it appropriate, or necessary to attend a breast feeding support group.

He didn't need to go and watch a room full of women trying to get to grips with bf to understand the need to support his wife with bf their baby.