Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

647 replies

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:37

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 14:21

Well there’s your answer OP

Great, that’s me toldHmm

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/06/2019 14:24

I agree. And on a related bugbear, I also think it's outrageous that maternity wards are reneging upon their prior policies not to allow fathers to spend the night with new mothers, unless in a private room. The needs of the patients, who have just undergone a major medical trauma, come first, and their rights supersede those of men on this occasion. And for the women who want their partners there, for the brief period you're hospitalized, you're going to have to consider fellow-patients' rights as well as your own.

When I've just had my innards sliced open to given birth and am exhausted I don't want to listen to your other half snoring all night; any more than I'm sure you want to listen to mine!

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 14:24

Which is a good reason for such groups to run by a woman.

TheGoogleMum · 10/06/2019 14:24

My DH came with me when I went to one, I felt like I needed him there in the emotional post baby state and he watched them help so he could try to help too. I would have been less likely to attend if they said no husband's allowed as i felt i needed him there for me and thankfully he wasn't the only male there. I was very emotional and dependant the first few weeks after giving birth

feelingverylazytoday · 10/06/2019 14:27

Sexnotgender every aspect of female biology is fetishised by some men. Not saying this particular guy (or anyone's partner) was, of course they may have genuinely been there to support their parner, but it's always a possibility.

Ghanagirl · 10/06/2019 14:27

@TheDeflector
No but he could either be seen with you at home or come at the end for chat just the two of you.
Most mums who are new to breastfeeding don’t want a man they don’t know in a smallish space when they are finding it hard to latch on it’s embarrassing, particularly when you’re from a culture when you cover up in front of males or if your a teenage or young mum.

OrchidInTheSun · 10/06/2019 14:28

The only people who should be there are the women breastfeeding and their babies. And the lactation consultants. No husbands, mums, sisters, auties, brothers, or other kids.

When I went to one, my mum took me because I couldn't walk. She waited in the cafe with a book.

I was having problems with my latch and the way the consultant fixed it was to pull my baby off my boob and get me to put him back on again, over and over again. If there had been anyone in that room other than women who were also sitting there with their tits out, I would have walked straight out again.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 10/06/2019 14:28

I had a male midwife and he helped me BF in the postnatal ward. That’s separate, he’s a HC professional. The man at the BF support group was not. He was a random who sat staring waiting for me to BF.

Flamingosnbears · 10/06/2019 14:28

Yes he absolutely should be there he needs to understand and learn about breastfeeding too to be able to support his wife.

Ghanagirl · 10/06/2019 14:29

Why do men have to push themselves into every space we have.
I work in health with new mums and I often find those men who insist on answering every question and dominating support groups are often not particularly supportive at home just like the sound of their own voice!

NewarkShark · 10/06/2019 14:31

I completely understand the sentiment on the thread, and I was so traumatised and emotional post partum I wouldn’t have dared ask men to leave.

By the same token, I was in such a state and so distressed at breastfeeding not working, I wouldn’t have gone to the local breastfeeding session if I hadn’t had my husband with me.

Perhaps dedicated single sex and dedicated partner-friendly sessions is the way forwards.

AprilSpring · 10/06/2019 14:32

My husband was integral to the success of me breastfeeding, particularly with my first. In the first few weeks he would assist with latch as well as do all the practical stuff like getting me drinks.
I would never have brought him to a group breastfeeding environment and I wouldn’t have wanted any other male partners there. It was an incredibly vulnerable time for me and took many months to build confidence.
Like others have said I would have been very British not said anything and simply not gone again! Like I said it was a very vulnerable time.

There should be alternative forms for male partners to support mums when breastfeeding. There role is vital!

Kennehora · 10/06/2019 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChewbaccaHutchinsCool · 10/06/2019 14:41

Why do men have to push themselves into every space we have.

Plenty of women seem to think they should be pushed into those spaces for support and we're all supposed to just get over it.

cookiechomper · 10/06/2019 14:42

No they should not be there. There's no need for them to be there and I can't understand why they would want to be. Most men would surely realise that his presence is likely to make women feel uncomfortable.

Ghanagirl · 10/06/2019 14:43

@MommaToBe2020
It’s not about breastfeeding “publicly” (which gives me visions of whipping your clothes off and sitting in the fruit and veg isle at Sainsbury’s) it’s about privacy and support when you are establishing feeding. once infants older and mum more experienced she’s able to feed without taking of her upper clothing although I guess she could if she wants too!

NicciLovesSundays · 10/06/2019 14:44

Out of curiosity why do so many people seem to have no issues with random women seeing their breasts in this context but they do with random men?

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 14:44

I am surprised that some on this thread don't realise that lactation is a very common fetish. There is a lot of porn dedicated to this.

NewarkShark · 10/06/2019 14:50

Shared anatomy niccilovessundays, and the power dynamic between women and men.

coragreta · 10/06/2019 14:50

Studies show women are more likely to continue breastfeeding longer if they are supported by their partner.
Besides which the woman could have PND or any other reason to want her partner there.

NicciLovesSundays · 10/06/2019 14:55

On the issue of male carers and people with disabilities - I saw this image a few days ago and think it is a really helpful way to think about how people are included (or not).

The image attached shows a model for thinking about the difference between separation, exclusion, integration and inclusion.

Separation is represented by two circles - one filled with green dots, the other with red dots.
Exclusion is represented by one circle filled with green dots, with red dots around the outside edge of the circle.
Integration is represented by one large circle with green dots inside and a smaller circle with red dots inside the larger one.
Inclusion is represented by one large circle filled up with green and red dots mixed together.

Obviously there are always going to be tensions with diverse communities so there are no perfect solutions but surely we should all try to aim for inclusion?

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?
AgileLass · 10/06/2019 14:57

My DH has given me loads of support with breastfeeding. First time round and through a very difficult second time round (tongue tie, thrush, vasospasm). Still never came to any BF support group. Nor did my mum, when she was here - drove me to the meetings (I had CS) and waited in the car.

No excuse for men to attend BF support groups - those who need assistance from partners can make arrangements to be seen separately or request a home visit.

averythinline · 10/06/2019 14:58

I may have wanted dh there and he would have wanted to come if he thought it would help and as my csection scar didnt heal well i would have struggled to get to anything without his support..we didnt have the income for private consultations etc etc

it would have been about supporting me not barging into womens only spaces... lots of very judgemental comments about women having support here... you have no idea why this man came along....

and you dont sound very welcomming at all , hey ho will prepare her for the playground cliques too.....

Does it say anywhere women only?? maybe she wouldn't know... hopefully she wont have been put off b'feeding by all the judging of her bringing her partner

jennymanara · 10/06/2019 14:58

Of course women should be supported by their partners, but that does not mean that their partners need to have access to everything.

anothernotherone · 10/06/2019 15:00

Of course there should not be men at a breastfeeding support group, nor non breastfeeding grandparents of the breastfed babies.

Why are the men so important that if they give their breastfeeding partner a lift to the venue they have to join the group in the room? If they gave their 8 year old a lift to a party would they insist on staying and sitting at the party table with the children and being served cake? Or would they go and do some shopping or read a book,/ play on their phone in the car?

Needing a lift doesn't mean that you bring your partner in with you. Even if you need help getting from car to chair he leaves after that, and returns when you phone/ text him.

A lot of women will leave or not seek help with their latch in front of a man especially one they don't know. The group is for breastfeeding support not babysitting, feeding cake to, or educating men who think everything is about them.

No, men shouldn't be on postnatal wards overnight either.