To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

[Sexnotgender]

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

The OP also said nothing about the man's DW having a disability to contend with.

As discussed at length this is not about TheDeflector who is clearly dealing with a very specific and unusual set of circumstances.

This was totally normal in my BF support group and I am surprised everyone is so anti.

GreytExpectations disagrees and thinks breast feeding is an instant spectator sport and not a skill that takes time to learn in privacy with dignity. The same poster who spent a great deal of time trying to shame women on another thread recently about not wanting to use mixed sex toilets.

@WomenUnited is that level if bullying really necessary?! Where the hell did i say its a "spectacle" or imply it at all?

@MommaToBe2020 While I do appreciate your points, as an example what about those women who, for religious reasons, cannot be in a state of undress, or partial undress, in the same room as a man? It's not a choice on their part, is it?

We should not be discriminating against any woman here. We should be able to arrange groups so that those with additional needs and requiring carers, who may be male, can have access to breast feeding support and that those who don't want males around can also gain support.

*feelingverylazytoday

GreytExpectations you do realise that some women never want to breastfeed in public at all, right?*
Of course, nothing wrong with that at all and women should be allowed to nurse wherever they want.

@Dungeondragon15 thank you for explain, i was honestly just asking for an opinion.

I am surprised everyone is so anti too.

My dh had previously had kids so his knowledge and support was key. He knew feeding every hour was normal, he knew that I needed help picking up the baby, changing, bringing cups of tea etc. When I was going through a phase where I thought I couldn’t do it and something must be wrong he could tell me there wasn't and I was doing it. And he could tell my bloody mother that no, it wan’t unhygienic, yes, they were getting enough, yes, poo that colour is normal and no we didn’t need a doctor to check!

Many men are completely ignorant and i think educating men as to what is normal in the bf world helps fend off pressure about feeding again, and the comments about not enough milk and switching to formula to “give yourself a break” or so others can get to feed. I know many women who’ve given up bf because their partner wasn’t informed so couldn’t reassure and support.

That said if women feel uncomfortable there could be a workaround. Inviting partners in, but asking them to go get a coffee or doing a separate bit if there are parts where women are physically helped with latch etc. Or maybe a more private room for 1:1 help of that type.

I posted my previous answer and something else pooped into my head.

While MommaToBe2020 feels abled bodied women have a choice, I don't think it is as simple as that.

Some women attending these groups can be very vulnerable emotionally, and desperately need the practical and other support available. I recall reading about at least one suicide where a mother felt under pressure about breast feeding.

Our local breastfeeding clinic was pretty much all couples, and I was grateful that my husband attended with me. After the degrading birth experience, I really couldn't care less who sees my boobs. My husband was a great support to me at a stressful time and helped to ask questions and listen to the advice. There was a screen for anyone wanting privacy, but nobody used it. I really don't see the issue and think partners should be encouraged to be involved in every part of looking after a baby. It's not like everyone is staring, each couple are absorbed in their own situation.

I was on the edge of falling into postnatal depression after a traumatic birth and really struggled to breastfeed after my milk took a week to come through.
My husband dragged me to several breastfeeding groups and to see the lactation consultant as he wanted to help. He spoke to the professionals and learnt how to guide and support me at my lowest point ( I felt I had failed my baby by struggling to feed her and spent most of the sessions trying not to cry). If he hadn't I would have given up straight away.

My husband wasn't the only man in our local groups and it didn't bother me to get my boobs out. It's a supportive environment the last thing I was bothered about was someone else's supportive partner. If anything it was reassuring that others were going through a similar thing.

We are supposed to be encouraging breastfeeding. I would have given up week 1 without the support of my husband and those groups.

I have read through the thread and can say I do think there are some clashing opinions on the subject and maybe if a group is going to be open to men than offer a women only one? Also, my previous point i still feel is relevant but that got deleted and im not really sure why but i suspect its because my opinion was different to the majority and this is MN where that isn't exactly welcome

i do find it ironic that there is so much about breastfeeding in public and that women shouldn't feel the need to hide it away. The topic is often focused on men who feel uncomfortable getting over it but now women want to keep breast feeding support sessions women only? Seems a little hypocritical.

This right here is what bullying looks like! Just get over yourselves you silly hypocritical women eh

Do women actually want practical BF support from their OHs? If mine had tried to give me any guidance on how to feed a child with my breasts I’d have told him to fuck off until he’d grown his own.

What is you problem WomenUnited i didnt not bully anyone on that post. Can you please stop attacking me on the thread? People are allowed to have different opinions!

I just wanted to learn how to feed my baby. The last thing on my mind was who else was there and might be looking at my boobs. In fact there were a few men there so several other women must have also wanted support from their husbands.

My DP supported me 100% too, but he supported me without making other women feel uncomfortable or affecting the support they had access to. I am somewhat sceptical that anyone is happy to sit there topless in front of strange men while their nipples are squidged around –it's uncomfortable enough in a room full of women –but I accept maybe there are some women who genuinely don't care. But I would be amazed if this was the majority – I'm happy to feed without covers and don't really care if someone sees a bit of my nipple when I'm feeding DD out and about, and I've fed in all sorts of places, but that's light years away from how exposed I was, mentally and physically, in those early weeks.

Interestingly, the common factor here seems to be that quite a few posters who are OK with it had their own partner with them –the same as on the 'men in postnatal' threads, where people are happy to have partners around when it suits them but not really willing to accept that their partner's presence might upset other women or see things from the point of view of other women. Not every woman has a supportive partner or even a partner at all –while you might feel safe in that kind of environment because you have your husband with you, there are other women using that space who are in a vulnerable position and don't know your husband.

I had to exclusively pump for 12 weeks before my daughter could feed from the breast, and on the odd occasion she did manage to latch in those early weeks, my nipples got covered in blood blisters, so our breastfeeding beginning was about as bad as it could get really, and my partner did a lot in those early weeks to make it possible for me to persevere and continue with trying to breastfeed. But he would never have dreamed of coming somewhere that might have made other women in the same position as me feel uncomfortable about his presence and possibly put off from seeking help.

If mine had tried to give me any guidance on how to feed a child with my breasts I’d have told him to fuck off until he’d grown his own

Are people really that horrible to their partners?

Interestingly, the common factor here seems to be that quite a few posters who are OK with it had their own partner with them –the same as on the 'men in postnatal' threads, where people are happy to have partners around when it suits them but not really willing to accept that their partner's presence might upset other women or see things from the point of view of other women.

Brilliantly put.

Exactly, Cele. My son has autism and part of that is that he simply cannot see things from anyone else's perspective but his own, but at least, perhaps in time he will become aware of this and be able to work on it but it seems a surprisingly common trait even among the NT. 'Well, I'm fine with it, so everyone else should be, too!'

I do think there's a wider issue here about the support that's available, however. We were fortunate enough to be able to afford private help, in the form of a lactation consultant who came to our house and spend time with us both. If I hadn't have had that opportunity and had gone to a local group (and a proper support group with peer supporters and lactation consultants to physically assist with breastfeeding, not just a chat group for breasfteeding mums) instead, I probably would have either left when I saw men there or just sat there, not spoken up about my problems, and left without getting help. I'm not prudish generally, but the level of exposure that's needed when trying to get an unwilling baby to latch is light years away from calmly breastfeeding in a cafe while out with friends. When the lactation consultant was helping us at home, I had both breasts out for about 30-45 minutes –obviously that's a level of support a group setting is unlikely to replicate, but it doesn't change the fact that some women will need to be extremely exposed when struggling to get their baby to latch and learning - it's not about someone seeing a tiny bit of nipple. I'm not sure how many women have sat with their breasts out for 30 mins in front of men they don't know, but I can't imagine there are many who are comfortable with it.

But I don't know what the answer is for those women unable to take part in groups without the support, be it physical or emotional, of their husbands/partners. It doesn't seem fair that they are excluded, but then it's not fair to other women otherwise. In an ideal world, you would be able to provide one to one support to those who need it, but funding will most likely never allow that so you either have to say that these women pay for it themselves or have the unfortunate situation of men being in spaces where vulnerable and exposed women are, and affecting their confidence and their ability to seek support. I'm not sure there's a right answer or a way to please everyone, so it's probably about pleasing the majority, and I think for the vast majority of women, they would prefer women-only spaces in situations where they will have to expose their breasts for prolonged periods.

Interestingly, the common factor here seems to be that quite a few posters who are OK with it had their own partner with them –the same as on the 'men in postnatal' threads, where people are happy to have partners around when it suits them but not really willing to accept that their partner's presence might upset other women or see things from the point of view of other women.

Exactly.

Would I have liked my husband at support group in the early days? Maybe.

Would I have taken him? Nope.

It’s a group for women when they’re vulnerable and exposed. My husband is an absolute delight but to every other woman in that room he’s a total stranger. I’m not selfish enough to put my wants above their needs.

Celebelly for me, and for other posters here it is no much as we were "OK" with it, rather that partners (of both sexes) were allowed, and positively encouraged. Surely, if you wish to change this you need to go to the service providers and their commissioners, and request a change, either banning men, or offering a mix of groups, some where they are allowed, and some where they are not.

I have already apologised on the thread - I didn't realise that despite the fact that my ex was encouraged to attend, it was still actually inappropriate for him to be there.

Only by lobbying for a change in policy at community health trusts will you achieve the result you require.

Gads. My husband would have run a mile in the opposite direction from something like this.

I can understand other people’s points of view, I’m just saying how I felt.

I guess it depends on the groups themselves as men aren't 'encouraged' at any of the groups around me, although I don't know what they would do if one turned up! It hasn't happened at any of the ones I've attended so I can't say. Certainly there's an expectation in the breastfeeding community here that these groups are spaces for women.

Men are, however, encouraged to come to all the other baby classes we attend, such as sign language, song and rhyme time, sensory, etc. and my partner has come to some of those (although they're a bit much for him I think –he's a quiet soul!)