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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men shouldn’t come to a breastfeeding support group?

647 replies

Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 12:37

It’s a group SOLELY for breastfeeding support.

I know I’m probably being a grump but a man there totally changes the dynamic.

Baby was 5 months old so not a newborn with an overwhelmed mum which I would kind of understand.

Dons tin hat...

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 10/06/2019 17:45

only on mumsnet men are made out to be some dirty weirdos Oh stop that! You might as well NAMALT. Women are entitled to have a male free environment in which to feel comfortable when their breasts are exposed. My adult boys aren’t dirty weirdos but I wouldn’t want them to feel entitled to sit in a group of women that don’t feel comfortable.

sunglasses123 · 10/06/2019 17:46

Anita - at least you would ask if a man could attend. I don't think men are made out to be weirdos but I don't agree they should be in post natal wards.

My best friend had a horrible experience after having a bady where there was a man wandering around, drawing back the curtains and saying 'sorry - wrong room' and generally making a nuisance of himself. The staff were rather nervous of him and despite some comments wouldn't speak to him directly. They stated for cultural reasons the man needed to be there (whatever that means). It was a few years ago now and I suspect its not got better.

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 17:47

I'd also like to apologise for saying sex isn't a protected characteristic, I didn't realise it was. I thought it was just trans people. My mistake!

Sunshineandeggshells · 10/06/2019 17:48

S1naidSucks yes that happens. Another reason why it's so important to maintain a safe single sex space. It's very rarely just breastfeeding support.

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 17:50

Thank you ellie - it was really, really tough. I wanted to give up so many times and at the time I couldn't hold my own baby so had all those emotions going on too. It's hard to imagine how hard that is I suppose but it really is.

someone has to 'win

I completely disagree. Everyone should "win".

DecomposingComposers · 10/06/2019 17:53

Any group I've been to, men were explicitly banned although female partners and friends occasionally attended with the mother

Tbh I don't agree with that either. It isn't a spectator sport and Howie it fair that you can have a same-sex partner with you for support but other women can't have their partners there?

speakout · 10/06/2019 17:56

Very often a breastfeeding group is the first time a woman will feed her baby outside of a family home in a group of strangers.
Some woman find breastfeeding in public easy, but many women find the whole thing terrifying.
Being able to breastfeed in a women only space - some female strangers is a huge leap for some, and for many an important step to moving on to breastfeeding in cafes and public places.
For some having a man in the group would be a step too far.

NicciLovesSundays · 10/06/2019 17:57

@jennymanara if government genuinely wanted partners to be more involved in supporting birth parents and in tackling inequality then they would make the investment needed.

anitagreen · 10/06/2019 18:06

@S1naidSucks No idea what that is you've said to me but I am a woman men do not make me feel uncomfortable I am aware that some women may feel uncomfortable and that's unfortunate. But seriously the men bashing posts on here over a set of breasts at the breastfeeding group when he's their to support his own wife? Confused

OrchidInTheSun · 10/06/2019 18:06

It's not men bashing not to want men at a breastfeeding support group ConfusedHmm

Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2019 18:06

Of course I did. They told me what I said back in the thread somewhere. That we were "all grownups" and they didn't offer separate consultations or areas. That isn't my fault.

Hmm. What kind of support group was this. Were people just chatting or were some women topless? If they were an the person who said "we were all grownups" knew this that comment was outrageous.

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 18:10

Dungeon - It was the breastfeeding clinic run at my local GP surgery where they held everything maternity-related in a big room at the back. Antenatal classes, Health Visitor appointments etc.

GreytExpectations · 10/06/2019 18:11

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Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2019 18:11

Dungeon - It was the breastfeeding clinic run at my local GP surgery where they held everything maternity-related in a big room at the back. Antenatal classes, Health Visitor appointments etc.

Yes, but were women physically being helped to breast feed i.e. topless and did the HCP know this?

Dungeondragon15 · 10/06/2019 18:16

I will be honest and i havnt read the full thread but i do find it ironic that there is so much about breastfeeding in public and that women shouldn't feel the need to hide it away. The topic is often focused on men who feel uncomfortable getting over it but now women want to keep breast feeding support sessions women only? Seems a little hypocritical.

I don't know about you but I only breastfed in public once I knew what I was doing and could do it discretely. Women are learning or having problems feeding may not be able to do this and will be much more exposed.

S1naidSucks · 10/06/2019 18:17

@S1naidSucks No idea what that is you've said to me
Obviously.

I am aware that some women may feel uncomfortable and that's unfortunate. But seriously the men bashing posts on here over a set of breasts at the breastfeeding group when he's their to support his own wife?

Why is your need for a man to be there more important than the needs of the other women? They are the people that these groups were created for. A woman’s right to refuse to be in a state of undress in front of a man should ALWAYS take priority. It’s called refusing consent.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 10/06/2019 18:30

Hypocritical to want women only spaces to learn and get support with breastfeeding. That’s certainly an interesting take on it...

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 10/06/2019 18:34

Then you should try reading the thread, GreytExpectations. Hmm

feelingverylazytoday · 10/06/2019 19:19

GreytExpectations you do realise that some women never want to breastfeed in public at all, right? There used to be nursing rooms in some shops and town centres where women could feed in privacy, and there was never any thought that a man would be allowed in.

WomenUnited · 10/06/2019 19:23

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ChewbaccaHutchinsCool · 10/06/2019 19:27

Jesus wept! Dismissing some women's need to not be half-naked in front of a strange man as 'man bashing'. I've fucking heard it all now.

BuckingFrolics · 10/06/2019 19:31

I Bf my twins. Luckily I found it all straightforward. If I'd gone to a session for help, and found a man there, I'd have either walked straight out or, more likely, kicked off. No way should men be present while a woman is learning to breastfeed.

I'm sick to the back teeth of women's rights being disregarded.

MommaToBe2020 · 10/06/2019 19:41

Not sure how many times I'll have to say that he was needed to hold the baby to my breast as I can't use my arms, and that there were no separate sessions. I think this is the...fourth time now?

I think people are really missing the point that TheDeflector raises. There’s a difference between being unable to participate and making a choice not to participate. TheDeflector from the sounds of it would have been genuinely unable to access the BF group had her cater been excluded. Other women, knowing a male is part of the group, might well choose not to attend because of their own personal preference, but that’s simply not the same. If I choose not to attend a service that’s on offer to me because I don’t like or feel comfortable with the mix of people in attendance that’s a shame but it’s very much my choice and in my hands. That’s really not on the same level as a woman who physically cannot attend and make use of the service without her carer there and it’s ableist in the extreme to presume that it does.

My preference to have men excluded doesn’t trump another disabled woman’s right to access the service with her carer if she’d be unable to otherwise. Even if I decide ultimately to find another group or decide not to attend at all that’s a choice I can make, whether to attend or not. People such as TheDeflector can’t really have the same freedom of choice as me in this scenario. If men are barred then her disability means she’s excluded from a service. Women who prefer female only groups are choosing to exclude themselves. Their reasons are their own but it’s just not the same. I think we all have to consider inclusivity and accessibility and barriers to healthcare and support services for individuals with disabilities. It’s not just about making sure there are wheelchair ramps.

MulticolourMophead · 10/06/2019 19:42

He probably felt far more uncomfortable than the mothers in the room.

I doubt it, OP wrote that he came in and plonked himself right in the middle.

CleopatrasMum · 10/06/2019 19:44

I cannot believe that any women, or man, on here cannot see that breast feeding support group should not be women only. I went to one after the birth of DC2 when I was trying and failing to establish feeding and there is no way I would have got my breasts out so the lactation consultant could help me if someone else's DH or other man had been there.

It is nothing at all against men. It is just there are some situations in life that should be women only.

And wild horses wouldn't have dragged DH into that room.