What would you think of this email from inlaws?

[LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas]

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

They know, OP. He is looking out for his son’s deposit, not you. He has a point about your partner’s deposit, but it is madness for you not to be on the deeds when you are getting married.

As others have said, it seems PIL are looking out for you. I think it's a very caring letter.

You keep talking about him buying the house -- you are essentially (legally) a lodger. Even if you make up the 40 extra k he has paid upfront over the next year by paying moving costs and furnishing and decorating, covering all utilities, a grocery bill, paying for holiday etc, your name still isn't on the deed.

If you are getting married- why isn't your name going on the deed?

I imagine it's easiest to start as you mean to continue and I'd ask for my name to but put on now, rather than having to get it put on (and pay legal fees) once married.

I agree with PP its actually very sound advice with maybe you in mind. If in 5 years you are not married and split up, you will have no rights to the house at all, no matter how much you have paid in, if you paid for the whole bathroom to be redesigned.

I would make sure you are protected somehow and as someone said up there, pay rent and bills by all means, but don't put in anything bigger till you are on the deeds.

Sounds like the advice is more for your benefit?

You're moving into a house you don't own - if you're getting married then why aren't you on the deeds? What happens if you have children and then split up?

I read it as you need to protect yourself and your fiance needs to do what's morally right not just legally acceptable.

It's very sound advice for you both.

OP just saw your update.

Your FIL is very sensible then. Get a Cohabitation/Living Together Agreement signed by a solicitor.

It should lay out that since you are paying towards the mortgage - if that's what is agreed - that you will therefore be entitled to X (and you'll need to agree what is fair, look at repayments/interest etc.).

That protects you, and him.

Look at the number of people on here from both sides, those that owned and those that didn't and got fucked over also.

Both Parties should be clear and protected.

This is old, but very clear:

www.theguardian.com/money/2013/mar/09/cohabitation-agreement-essential-non-married-couples

Your update makes his advice even more important to you both.

I think it's sensible, if I had a son in the same position I'd also want to be sure both parties were fully aware of the financial situation and of course he's going to more concerned about his son than you.

Would you not want the same as a parent?

Very sensible and fair advice. A chat that my other half and I had too. I think you would be silly not to discuss the ‘what ifs’ in the event that things go south.

The email is quite patronising and if you have both sought legal advice and really thought through your options then that could be a great response to ease their minds. They are quite rightly I suspect, concerned about the situation as you're not married, not earning and not putting anything in to the deposit. Have you set a date for the wedding so that you're actually getting married rather than staying engaged for years? Does your partner disclose a lot to his parents about the ins and outs of your lives? I really hate email for talking about things like this. It probably could have been done better done face to face. BUT it does sound like you both need to consider the advice given and be sensible in protecting yourselves.

Good point about planning to get married and not being on the deeds.
Op when dh and I got together, we had just gotten engaged and decided to buy a house before the wedding. DH contributed 100% of the deposit and still put me on the deeds. I would question why your dp isnt doing this if he intends on marrying you.

Good and caring advice

If I'm married and we have children and my name isn't on the deeds what would happen if we divorced. Would me and the children be homeless or would my partner get sole custody?

I think it's sensible advice on a sensitive subject.

I wish a lot more parents would be as upfront with their children about things like this.

Why are you not buying a home together? It should come before marriage if you ask me.

He is clearly advising you both to look at various provisions and safeguards above and beyond the mortgage.

What would happen if your partner was injured and couldn't work? Have you both got wills? What about LPAs? Who would manage your affairs if you were injured and in a coma?

Most people don't give these things a minutes thought until they are in the middle of an almighty mess,. He is advising you to get a good solicitor and get them sorted out soon. You will almost certainly never need them, but if you ever do you will be glad to have them at your back.

I thought it was spot on and caring, judging by your comments I think it was necessary for him to say.

Why are you comparing your situations? Your bil/gf are protected more than you are legally, do you not understand the implication of not being on the mortgage but paying into it? Your responses are a bit naive and your fil is trying to protect you both.

See, , the question you’ve asked is a reason why you need to take advice, from a solicitor, not from random people on line! At least the email has provoked thought!

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas

No way of saying for sure, OP. It’s just a dreadful idea. Are you going to tell us why your name isn’t going on the deeds?

I agree with others that you should contribute to the deposit rather than paying for moving costs or upgrading a house you don't own. I would then get your name on the deeds as tenants in common. Read this article, it will help you understand why tenants in common is the best way forward.
I think your FIL did the right thing sending you the email btw.

Your last update is shocking. Are you really that clueless op? Seriously, take some responsibility for your future and research not ask mumsnet! If this is how you come across then maybe the email is intending to advise you more than you think.

Very sensible advice for both of you

I have a father like your father in law and a brother in a similar position as your partner.

I will read between the lines for you. The father doesn't want the both of you to break up or anything, but he doesn't trust you. He has tried to say it in the least confrontational way possible that he doesn't want you to take anything from the house/money/deposit. If your relationship was really solid, you would probably be married but your partner might be flighty and not want to be settled down. His dad knows this and doesn't see you guys making it long term if your partner strays. There is nothing you can do about this email and if you fight what the father wants then his family will get suspicious of you and probably tell your partner to not stay with you.

Not insulting or implying I'm some sort of gold digger that can't be trusted?

No. If anything, it's almost a coded warning to you to be careful of the son. You're exposed if you have no legal right to be in the house. I have an ex boyfriend whose father, whilst loving him as a son, was all too aware that his son was not good at committing to relationships. The father was right and his son dumped me with no warning.

Unless there's a huge backstory I don't think there's a hint that you're gold-digging. As unasked for advice it is a bit patronising but then again this is someone with maybe 30 years more life experience than you. They're being quite sensible.

Would you want to know if they also sent the email to partners brother who buying a house with girlfriend?

No. It might not be a difference in the way they view the girlfriends but in the way they view the brothers. It could be anything. It wouldn't be on my list of things to worry about.

‘LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas

If I'm married and we have children and my name isn't on the deeds what would happen if we divorced. Would me and the children be homeless or would my partner get sole custody?’

Christ.. this is exactly why your fil wrote the email id assume. The house and custody are 2 separate issues, I don’t think the house becomes joint yours when married if it’s purchased before the marriage itself, you certainly wouldn’t be on the deeds and would only benefit after a sale, so yes I guess you’d need to find somewhere else to live. Regards to children, you’d have to sort it out between you or get an arrangement decided by court, I’ve never seen a court accept 100% custody unless something like violence and danger have occurred, you’d probably get 50/50.