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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 10/06/2019 13:13

Have you had any legal advice? If not I suggest you both get some sharpish.

DexyMidnight · 10/06/2019 13:13

*paying rent

MsTSwift · 10/06/2019 13:14

I don’t care what others do I personally would not so would be abit Hmm if an older person I knew thought I was someone that wouldn’t look out for my own interest and I needed telling. Does he give little pats on the head too?

GirlAtWork · 10/06/2019 13:14

You’re all kinds of vulnerable, OP. I expect that’s what your FIL is concerned about!

If you are engaged and planning your wedding, what is the reason for you not being on the feeds of the house? This is such a serious concern. Is your partner refusing to allow this? If so, why?

GirlAtWork · 10/06/2019 13:14

*deeds

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 13:14

So he’s either saying don’t let your girlfriend scrounge off you to him, or he’s saying don’t leave yourself vulnerable by having zero rights to the assets to you.

Or more than likely he’s saying both things to both of you, having been there.

Hollowvictory · 10/06/2019 13:15

Your update does not change the fact they sent a caring email politely worded.
Who's paying for the wedding and when is it?

myhamster · 10/06/2019 13:15

If OP wants to protect herself if she is paying some of the mortgage, then although I only talked about protecting the DP, the deeds would reflect the ongoing ownership, so that if they split up she does get something back. Op however, does not deserve half of a house if somebody else put in the majority of the deposit.

Once married, or after having children it is a different story, but even then it is not fair for somebody to hand over thousands of pounds for a short lived marriage (if that is indeed what happens one day)

If OP is not paying any of the mortgage then she has no claim on the house. If OP is not on the deeds, then she should not pay the mortgage. Neither one of them should gain from the other at this point.

Twooter · 10/06/2019 13:16

I thought it sounded really caring towards you more so than your dp. It’s almost as though he’s warning you to make sure you’re not too vulnerable if the relationship broke down.

Nyon · 10/06/2019 13:17

Sounds like a fair enough point from your FiL and whilst in your position I’d possibly to mildly hurt as well, it would only be because the FiL has acknowledged something you clearly don’t want to: relationships fail. And if it did, you’d be fucked and your partner wouldn’t be. It’s sensible advice to ensure that you have some rights. You’re on the weaker footing, you should be sensible and sort things out legally.

Nyon · 10/06/2019 13:18

Urgh. *be mildly hurt

ConcreteFarmer · 10/06/2019 13:19

Noooo - put the moving costs towards the house deposit and get your name on the deeds. So £38k vs £2k, could be detailed as you having a share in the house. He can then pay the moving costs. But your slightly more protected??

Also the email sounds sensible

SmilingThroughIt · 10/06/2019 13:19

Given your update , the email is very sensible. You have not contributed to the deposit, you are not working, you intend contributing but only when you get a job. Can you not see why his dad might feel his son needs to protect his assets. But the advice also benefits you. You have no claim to this house, so you might want to think what contributing to it actually gets you.

notacooldad · 10/06/2019 13:20

It sounds like you want to get a bee in your bonnet about and be offended.
I think he is spot on with his advice and you would. Be wise to listen rather than looking at being upset.
Surely you have read enough posts in the relationship board to see how many women have been screws over. He is telling you not to be one of them

AlaskanOilBaron · 10/06/2019 13:20

I would think it's normal to be mildly hurt, it's sort of proof that they're not so wildly in love with you that they can't possibly fathom their son's future without you, but they'd be fools in this case.

Just move on, it's really not a big deal.

theemmadilemma · 10/06/2019 13:21

@DexyMidnight That seems fair, doesn't it? I would agree it is.

But the person paying that 'rent' does need to be clear that's all they are doing. And that should be done legally for everyone's benefit.

As it is, Partner pays a couple of the larger bills to compensate. Sky, more to food etc. But also knows he's building nothing here in terms of if he moved out he'd be taking his stuff and nowt else. Maybe the table he bought. ;)

Original poster
LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 13:21

I don't know how much information they know. Don't know if they know partner is buying it alone or how much they know about my finances etc

OP posts:
SmilingThroughIt · 10/06/2019 13:23

Well if you arent married and not working at the moment then that's all they really need to know.

myhamster · 10/06/2019 13:23

I just read your update. Put the moving costs and your savings into a deposit and get your name on the deeds, then pay half of the mortgage and own the share in that proportion.

So say 90/10 on the deposit (or whatever) and 50/50 on the mortgage, would work out to a % share of the equity each.

PrayingandHoping · 10/06/2019 13:24

@LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas ask your partner what he has told them?

PianoTuner567 · 10/06/2019 13:24

I think the email is sensible advice for both of you. It’s a very unequal situation you’re entering into and you both need to think about your legal/financial positions should it not work out. Not enough people do this.

Oldbutstillgotit · 10/06/2019 13:24

Why are you not buying together ?

ElspethFlashman · 10/06/2019 13:25

Since you're unemployed and have been a student for (presumably) years, it's reasonable to assume you're in debt and fairly skint.

You will have ZERO right to any part of this house until you marry. Don't you get that?

What did you think was going to happen if you two split up? You'd get a proportion of a house you don't own?

MorondelaFrontera · 10/06/2019 13:25

Very sensible advice from the parents, they are absolutely right.

They probably don't feel it's their place to give you advice too, I wouldn't dare either, but you should also protect yourself and inform yourself about your situation and your rights when you are not on the mortgage.

It might sound to you patronising, but they are his parents, we feel responsible for our kids all their life, not just until they reach 18.

I give them bonus points for putting it in writing, so they are really not trying to talk to him behind your back.

cdtaylornats · 10/06/2019 13:26

I wrote much the same thing to my goddaughter.