What would you think of this email from inlaws?

[LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas]

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

The email advice is equal to both of you. It can only be interpreted as favouring one at the expense of the other if there's some reason to think the relationship is unequal in some underlying way, which would make the advice benefit one more than the other.

I wonder how many people are answering as parents, rather than putting themselves in the OP’s shoes?

He is being a realist.

This isn't insulting or insinuating that you are a gold digger in any way. Its encouraging his son to protect his asset whilever you aren't married.

That being said. I wouldn't financially contribute to the house. Not if your partner is making sure to ring fence it from you.

Let your partner fund it himself.

I wouldn't be happy getting the email but what he is saying is good advice, both of you need to protect whatever you put in to buying a house so if anything does go wrong you can sort things without arguing who put what in. I bought the house that me & exh lived in, my parents paid for all the work that needed doing on it, exh didn't put anything in to buying or renovating the house but when we split up he wanted half of the proceeds. I had to fight to get back what was mine. If I was to buy again I would have an agreement drawn up by a solicitor that would protect my assets, it's only sensible.

Sensible advice to you both. They care about you both . That's what I'd think.

Has he given his two sons a large deposit to help with house buying?

Can't you just give us a bit more background instead of dragging it out like this?

I too think it’s very vague, using a lot of words to say not very much that’s actual concrete advice. To imply things that can easily be denied or put down to misunderstanding. I wonder what he’s really worried will happen.

On the subject of asking for further clarification, a PP said:

It will be interesting whether he continues using weasel words/obfuscation or has the courage to stick his colours to the mast he has erected

Completely agree.

Sounds like good advice and even handedly given. Nice of them to address it to both of you and not just consider their own child’s interests.

I'm on the "it's sensible advice" side.

Is that it or is there more to it??

All he's saying is think ahead. He's not even saying what conclusion you should come to. You and your partner could decide that you're so fabulous that in the event of any split, you should get 100% of assets, and you wouldn't be breaching FIL's advice.

I would find it extremely patronising and annoying. Unless you are quite thick most adults would do this anyway

It's advice - it seems reasonably benign to me. Take the advice or leave it but I don't think your FIL is trying to be mean or horrid about you or your relationship.

Lots of thick people on MN then, MsSwift.

I wouldn't take it as implying I'm a gold digger

I'd take it as caring words of wisdom and experience to you both.

Without the property bring in both names, and without being married, you both are at risk if the relationship fails and the other party turns nasty.

I would find it extremely patronising and annoying. Unless you are quite thick most adults would do this anyway

MN has taught me that most adults do not do this.

Unless you are quite thick most adults would do this anyway

You only have to look at mumsnet and see the number of women left high and dry because they moved into houses owned by their partners before it all went tits up to know that isn’t true.

Sounds exactly like the kind of email my dad would have sent to (now) DH and me when we were buying our house before we got married. He was a solicitor so helped us with sorting how much each of us owned of the house (with then BF owning more, so he was protecting both of us, not just me!)
He sounds kind and just making sure you've got securities in place. It sounds like he cares about both of you.
Don't get annoyed. Read it as advice well intentioned. And if he did or didn't send to other kids doesn't reflect on that.
What he says is good advice anyway.

What a sensible fellow he is.

Your lucky to have such great in laws!

f83mx I'd have been with you until I saw how many women on MN lose everything because they think that being a common law wife is a thing, or that they have protection by being engaged, etc.

Sensible and caring. I read it that he is looking out for you. After all if you split up in a few years time without being married you probably wouldn’t get a share of the house. Your OH would be fine without any legal agreement, it would be all his.

More information:
I have just finished university (phd) and I'm looking for work. Partner has just got a job. Partner will be the only one on the mortgage/ deed to house. Partner is the only one paying the deposit of around 40k. I will be giving a few thousand to pay for moving costs etc. I intend to pay towards everything (rent/ mortgage and bills) when I get a job. Only debt is student loan that we both have. I will have some savings left (few thousand). Not sure how much they know about all of this/ all our finances.

Partners brother, I'm not sure of all the details. I think both are going on the deeds/ morgage and its likely all his money going on the deposit. Similar amount as my partners as its from inheritance. They both have jobs, partners brother likely earns quite alot more. They are not engaged.

Sounds like a sensible loving parent to me.

OP, there are red flags all over this. You stand to be living in a home you have no legal right to be in, married or not.

All these people saying 'don't contribute to the house if you're not on the deeds', do you think she should just live there for free? She's currently plating rent and can continue to do so surely?

If I were living with a partner who had ring - fenced or protected his deposit I wouldn't be contributing to maintenance or repairs or decor etc etc but I'd be happy to pay an amount of rent that's fair for the area and quality of flat/house (minus a bit to reflect that I'd be sharing a bedroom!)