What would you think of this email from inlaws?

[LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas]

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

We are completely different with people with love from how we are with people we hate, which is usually the situation when a marriage breaks down.

I think the email is well meant and offers sensible advice.

However your relationship with his family, and his mother in particular, already sounds fraught. Think hard about whether this is what you want to marry into. (I mean personally I think they sound perfectly nice - close rather than controlling - but clearly it bothers you). Is this something you'll be happy with for the rest of your life?

OP, this will not change.

If you're not happy with the status quo, then don't buy a house with him.

Not that you're buying a house with him anyway

Really OP ? You have a PHD and have no idea of the value of marriage and marital property ??!

Not insulting or implying I'm some sort of gold digger that can't be trusted?

Not at all! If anything, I would take from that that he is arguing in favour of an arrangement that would be "morally" "fair" and "equitable" to you, ie recognize your contribution and protect your future even though it is your partner buying the house and as you are not yet married you wouldn't legally have rights to it.

I think it's a very kind and wise email, in fact.

Are you still happy to put £1000s into moving without having your name on the deeds, or will you tell your DP he has to pay for the move if you have no financial interest in the property?

Is this place your DP is buying near his Mum/parents, OP? Also do you know you will get a job in that area or do you not need to be free to move anywhere in the country once you have finished your PhD?

Everyone who thinks the FIL is trying to protect the OP - you are incredibly naive. He cares about protecting his son. His son is putting down 40K and he wants to make sure that he's not putting his partner on the mortgage deeds.

And it looks like the son takes after him since he's no intention of putting you on the deeds.

It wouldn't be good enough for me.

Sounds like a caring father, who is offering sensible advice. No offence to be taken here.

Sound advice.

Partner always listening to mum? That’s a dp problem not a mil problem.

I think if youre both mature, sensible adults, with no previous history of debt or financial problems he's being rather interfering, however well meant it was. But I may be biased as I'd research & plan out any big decision like that so would be narked he'd thought I hadn't already realised all that.

With respect you have been very naive and you should be seeking your own legal advice, not wasting your energy inventing beef between you and your PIL. Until you're married you have no protection whatsoever.

I think he's advising his step-son to get a pre-nup

They just sound like a close and happy family to me OP. Sounds like you've been nursing a grudge for a long time. Get out if you're not happy..it'll be much harder with kids as family comes over all the time then.

“Everyone who thinks the FIL is trying to protect the OP - you are incredibly naive. He cares about protecting his son. His son is putting down 40K and he wants to make sure that he's not putting his partner on the mortgage deeds.”

Yes that’s the drum I’m banging! 😀 protecting his inheritance is the key for FIL, whilst I agree with that, it is sneaky.
OP will end up with a deed of trust.

Currently it’s not a problem for the OP ( yes she may loose £1000 but it’s not the end of the world) if they get married, not being on the deeds will be irrelevant.
FIL will know this. He’s making sure that when they marry his sons money is safe.

If OP movEs in and they don’t get married ( not enough money, timings wrong etc), she’s in a terrible position.

Seems very sensible.

What’s going on with people posting private emails for discussion on here lately?! I always wonder how the posters would feel if they got picked up by a news outlet - which these threads often are!

I think it sounds like a kind and well-considered email.

I think you’re unreasonable to be posting someone else’s email on a public forum.

Why aren't you buying the house together?

Why aren't you buying the house together?

This is like an echo chamber! Will “Why aren't you buying the house together?” be the next “cancel the cheque*?

Really OP ? You have a PHD and have no idea of the value of marriage and marital property ??!

I'm not sure why people keep saying things like this. PhDs can be on anything from black holes to medieval grave goods. They could be on marital law but the majority aren't. Whilst you need academic intelligence the precise skills you need vary hugely between disciplines and few of them need much street smart.

I have a phd. I'm not great on marital law because I don't need to be. True I'm cynical enough that I'd find out about it if I were getting married and/ or planning to move in with someone but then I'm a lot older and less trusting than the OP.

Step fil has not said what he wants the end result to be of his email. If he were only wanting to protect his stepson, though, then wtf send an email to both of them? It's not as if his stepson doesn't spend huge amounts of time at his parents' house without the OP where they could gave discussed this in camera. What he has instead done is not tell them what his opinion on the morality or legality of their situation is, but to suggest they each think about it. He really does have a low opinion of the OP's common sense if he thinks the result of this will be the OP agrees to a formal agreement screwing herself over. Mind you, her general reaction so far has lacked common sense, as she has focused on reading meaning into it that deliberately isn't in there rather than acting on the advice.

Everyone who thinks the FIL is trying to protect the OP - you are incredibly naive. He cares about protecting his son. His son is putting down 40K and he wants to make sure that he's not putting his partner on the mortgage deeds

This in spades. He's not really that interested in his DSs partner of a couple of years. Why would he be?
Theyre not even serious enough to buy a house together.

His son is putting down 40K and he wants to make sure that he's not putting his partner on the mortgage deeds

If he was purely interested in protecting his step son's 40k why advise both of them to seek independence advice?

OP has said her DP always does what his mother wants, so why didnt DM advise him directly? Or set up an appointment just for the DP?

It's not actually his son. And the idea he doesn't already know that the OP will not be on the mortgage deeds is a bit far fetched if the whole problem with this relationship is this man's inability to do anything before he has spoken to Mummy about it first.