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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
lau888 · 10/06/2019 18:23

I would think the FIL remembers how hard his divorce was and that the "moral compass" is a reminder that both the OP and her DP should be clear that they both deserve a share of their future home - just in case the worst should happen. The FIL hasn't said how he thinks they should split that share; that is a discussion for the OP and her DP.

And... none of the updates suggest the FIL is overly involved. The MIL is definitely very involved. Why is the FIL getting so much blame? The FIL seems to care very much for the OP. Tbh, I'm a little worried that he thinks his son will dump the OP and leave her homeless. (Which, btw, he will be legally entitled to do.)

Walkaround · 10/06/2019 18:26

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas - has it crossed your mind that your step-fil is fully aware of your mil's intense neediness and protectiveness towards your dp and is actually doing this to warn you she is trying to get her ds to stitch you up like a kipper?...

Divgirl2 · 10/06/2019 18:26

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I think the email is the least of your problems. Am I right in saying this is your DP's step dad? I can't remember if you said in your OP or not but it reads very like it's from a step parent.

He's telling you both to tread carefully - I don't think he's implying anything nasty towards you. If anything he's a partial outsider (met the mum when your DP wasn't a young child?). He can see the issues that you are all too close to see.

You need to get legal advice about the house - you should be on the deeds if you're contributing anything beyond basic rent and bills. Your DP can ring fence his deposit, that would be sensible, but you should be on the deeds.

Are you "engaged" or are you actually actively planning a wedding in the next year or so? That changes things.

Your (f)FIL sounds like he's been divorced before, I'd heed his advice and speak to a solicitor.

Oh, and your DP has definitely told his mother absolutely everything about the house finances. So assume FIL knows it all too.

Bluntness100 · 10/06/2019 18:30

Agree it sounds like there was a difficult and acrimonious seperation between the mother and father, that clearly caused a lot of pain for all involved. I'd assume money or lack of it was an issue there.

NicoAndTheNiners · 10/06/2019 18:35

I think he's looking out for you. He knows with current arrangement you could pay into the house for years and be turfed out at any point and you'd probably be entitled to nothing.

You need legal advice. And in your shoes I'd be questioning why your dp isn't putting you on the deeds if you're planning marriage.

BlueJava · 10/06/2019 18:40

I think it's very sensible of him - as well as telling his son to protect his investment he could equally be telling you to look after yourself financially too. Are you getting married before you buy? Is the mortage in joint names? Are you having a pre-nup etc.

CiarCel · 10/06/2019 18:40

So you are suggesting you feel you would be entitled to live rent-free off your boyfriend's inheritance?

If he wanted me to live there and not be on the deeds an mortgage then I absolutely would be happy to live in his place where the deposit happened to be funded by some inheritance and pay my fair share of bills so my presence did not cost him a penny. And I know this to be true as it is exactly the set up I had with my boyfriend when he moved into my home that I had purchased with the help of some inheritance for a deposit. Charging him rent would have made a profit out of him whilst also limiting his ability to buy somewhere for himself should our relationship not work out. Fortunately we have been happily married for years now.

Racheyg · 10/06/2019 18:46

I think it's very sensible, me and now dh has this even though we had kids.

FinallyHere · 10/06/2019 18:54

From your latest update, it seems that your 'fiancée' is wealthier than you but that these resources come with strings.

Are you sure that you want to continue this relationship, the one does tend to come as part and parcel of the other.

Do not be under any illusion that he will suddenly chance and stop being such a Mumny's boy. Is that really what you want ?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/06/2019 18:55

It sounds very sensible,

I'd be wanting my children to financially protect themselves. If their partner took a grievance at that, it would just show them in their true colours and that a warning was spot on.

GraceSlicksRabbit · 10/06/2019 19:04

It’s well meant. Don’t go looking for offence where none is intended. Fiancé’s Mum and Step FIL both in second marriages, right? So he is speaking from bitter experience. Has he been a father figure to your fiancé since he was a child?

Just to be clear- when he says you should both take legal advice he means that you each need independent advice i.e. get a lawyer each. just wanted to make sure that you got that point, as that in itself shows that he is not trying to favour his step son over you.

Hazlenutpie · 10/06/2019 19:06

@BertrandRussell you said
Ah right. And you’re taking that as gospel, are you? Fair enough

I'm merely responding to what the OP has posted but I guess you know more about the situation than she does. Hmm

Cryalot2 · 10/06/2019 19:09

I would just take it as good advice that is well meant.

Hazlenutpie · 10/06/2019 19:09

@BertrandRussell

OP has now posted: They are very involved to the point that partner tells them everything and practically has to ok it with them first

So perhaps they are involved and your inside information is incorrect. Grin

NauseousMum · 10/06/2019 19:35

You need to seperate the advice from the email and from posters to seek independent advice from normal interference (which from your updates is MIL). Your FIL is right to advise caution, as are posters. You are about to put yourself willingly, and knowingly if you go ahead, in a precarious position if you don't ensure you are joint tenants.

The controlling behaviour, your fiance and you need to set boundries and stop it from happening again but given what he did to you at Christmas do you think he will?

You have a dp issue, if he's not willing to set boundries and respect you protecting himself then you don't really have a decent future relationship anyway. I certainly wouldn't go further with homes and the engagement until it's sorted.

SD1978 · 10/06/2019 19:49

Reasonable. He's telling you both to ensure you have protected assets and legal rights to the house. He isn't making a sneaky comment to his son to tell him to screw you over. I'd find this quite thoughtful and appreciate it

Notonthestairs · 10/06/2019 20:00

Stop blaming his mum and concentrate on your boyfriends actions. Are you expecting him to change post marriage? He might I suppose however, it's just as likely you will continue to feel that he is overly dependent. Can you live feeling that way?

The advice regarding the house is unromantic but eminently sensible.

NailsNeedDoing · 10/06/2019 20:08

You seem to have the impression that his family is controlling just because your dp is close to them and values their opinions and his time with them.

The fact that your partner has this type of relationship with his family is part of him, he's obviously never made a secret of it, so if you stay together your choice is either to accept him as he is, as part of his family, or fight against it and probably end up miserable over it. If you're hoping to try and change him, then he would be doing the right thing by protecting his asset. You need to protect yourself as well, and remember that your dp and his inheritance are not there to provide your financial security, even when you are married.

Hecateh · 10/06/2019 21:03

I think that is excellent advice

You are not currently married - and as far as I can see there are no children involved.

If your partner buys, you pay half the mortgage, do half the maintenance, pay half the bills, have a child, lose your progress at work due to maternity leave, you will be entitled to SFA if you split.

Likewise, your partner puts it in both names, you don't contribute either in effort or finance, you get made redundant and don't get another job so contribute nothing financially, there are no children at this stage, you split - you are entitled to half without contributing anything.

What is being said is very sensible. At the moment you are in love and don't ever envisage not being; things change.

As he says, hopefully you will be both lucky and both equally committed but this doesn't always happen. Much better to plan in advance for all eventualities

Malvinaa81 · 10/06/2019 21:12

Seems very sensible.
Some might have put it a lot more forcefully.

PopcornZoo · 10/06/2019 21:15

I don't think it's right to put a private letter on the internet!

sleepylittlebunnies · 10/06/2019 21:20

Not read the whole thread. Reading the email I would say it sounds unbiased and genuine. Lovely to both you and DP that he is trying to pass on the benefit of his wisdom from having lived a bit and experiencing the pitfalls of when life doesn’t go according to plan.

Looking4wards · 10/06/2019 21:29

I don't think it's right to put a private letter on the internet!

This!

Just waiting for a tabloid to pick his up, and OP can forget about any good relationship with the in-laws.

Belenus · 10/06/2019 21:42

i havent read the thread but the first thing id think is im not stupid and just because you mucked up dosnt mean i will

The most intelligent of us can fuck up. The brightest of us can make a mess of relationships, especially when you're still in your 20s. Many people fall for the wrong person and seemingly very loving relationships can end in bitterness and struggle. It would be foolish pride to assume you're immune to this.

LizB62A · 10/06/2019 21:46

I wish my parents had had the foresight to ask me the same thought-provoking questions - I would have ended up with more after the divorce than I did if I'd protected the equity I took into it.
Very very sensible imo.
You would think so too if you were the one who was buying the house.