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Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
Original poster
LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 17:36

They are very involved to the point that partner tells them everything and practically has to ok it with them first. I remember at university his friends asked him to live with them instead of on campus, he said he has to ask his mum first (even though she wasn't paying the accommodation costs). When we were at different universities having a long distance relationship if I wanted to spend any of the holidays with him I had to go to his mums house. Christmas, birthdays and Easter all had to be at his mums house or I wouldn't get to see him, sure it was nice of them to invite me, but it was that or not getting to see him. When my grandfather died I stayed with my grief strucken mother over Christmas, my partner would not stay for Christmas and have Christmas day at my parents because his mum wanted him at their house for Christmas day because according to his mum it could be his grandmother's last Christmas! Every part of his life, big or small she tries to control. She even tries to tell him what gifts to buy people.

OP posts:
LittlePearl · 10/06/2019 17:42

Every part of his life, big or small she tries to control

In that case you need to have a straight conversation with your OP about it.

saraclara · 10/06/2019 17:43

Christmas, birthdays and Easter all had to be at his mums house or I wouldn't get to see him, sure it was nice of them to invite me, but it was that or not getting to see him. When my grandfather died I stayed with my grief strucken mother over Christmas, my partner would not stay for Christmas and have Christmas day at my parents because his mum wanted him at their house for Christmas day because according to his mum it could be his grandmother's last Christmas!

Yep. You have a definite grievance there. And I hope you discuss what's going to happen in the future with this sort of thing before you get married. Your family have as much right to your presence as a couple, as his have.

But the email in itself is fine. If you can divorce it from the controlling mother, you've been given good advice.

shartsi · 10/06/2019 17:44

So you know what the deal is and you choose to stay with him. Him and his family will never change. Don't marry him hoping they will change.

BlueSkiesLies · 10/06/2019 17:44

Sensible advice. You should make plans when you love each other, for when you don’t. That’s includes protecting deposit and stating how you will split the asset.

To be revised upon birth of children imo.

greenlloon · 10/06/2019 17:45

well i have skimmed the thead it seems the op if she ever broke up with him would be homeless and penniless. well that dosnt seem smart to me

Jemima232 · 10/06/2019 17:53

I knew there was a huge backstory to this.

Wheresthebeach · 10/06/2019 17:55

You seem to have various issues here, and are mixing up MIL issues with your FIL email. You need to sort this whole mess out.

Wait to buy a house until you can do it together. Five years I think you said you've been together? Thats a long time and it sounds like you aren't happy in a number of areas.

ElspethFlashman · 10/06/2019 17:56

Look OP, whether he's a Mummy's boy or not is irrelevant to your need to arm yourself with some legal awareness surrounding living in someone else's house.

It's also irrelevant to the tone and intent of the email, which was fine.

However it's VERY relevant to the rest of your life!

If your partner chooses his Mum every time, then you don't have a MIL problem - you have a partner problem.

It takes two to be codependant.

brownjumper · 10/06/2019 17:57

You haven't answered why you are not buying a property together if you are intending on getting married?

MsTSwift · 10/06/2019 17:58

Well I’m with you op and wouldn’t appreciate another adult sending me patronising “advice” thank you very much. Odd that most people think it’s lovely it’s not. Sod off and focus on your own affairs

imgoingtogetyoulittlefishes · 10/06/2019 17:58

They are very involved to the point that partner tells them everything and practically has to ok it with them first

This is very different from this

I don't know how much information they know. Don't know if they know partner is buying it alone or how much they know about my finances etc

RaffertyFair · 10/06/2019 17:59

The email is not the problem OP ....

prh47bridge · 10/06/2019 18:00

If I'm married and we have children and my name isn't on the deeds what would happen if we divorced. Would me and the children be homeless or would my partner get sole custody?

In divorce whether or not your name was on the deeds would be irrelevant. The house would be an asset of the marriage and would go into the pot along with all other assets (pensions, etc.) to be split between you. The courts would ensure a fair split (which is NOT the same as 50/50, despite that myth being repeated on MN regularly).

If there was any dispute about where the children lived the courts would look at what was in their best interests.

Bluntness100 · 10/06/2019 18:02

Well I’m with you op and wouldn’t appreciate another adult sending me patronising “advice” thank you very much

Even when you're about to do something really fucking stupid that could have long ranging consequences? Ok then.

And op this has segwayed into something else entirely. His father has clearly tried to help you.

If you find your partner some sort of weak, ball less mummies boy with a controlling mother as you're now portraying him to be, then fuck off out of it and leave him and his mother to it.

On the subject of the thread though, thr father has tried to help you from doing something monumentally stupid.

Coyoacan · 10/06/2019 18:04

Sound advice. You don't think you should talk about these things without rose-tinted glasses?

FancyAPint · 10/06/2019 18:07

i'd say let him ring fence his 40k deposit and then assume you will be paying half the mortgage so you get back whatever you put in if the relationship fails - this way you aren't just 'renting' from him, your money is being invested as well.

MargaretHoulihan · 10/06/2019 18:08

I would not contribute a single penny over and beyond my share of the joint bills until I was on the deeds, whether that was at the point of marriage or before, and would be keeping back my savings and adding to them once I got a job to put towards a deposit on my own place.

So you are suggesting you feel you would be entitled to live rent-free off your boyfriend's inheritance?

Bringonspring · 10/06/2019 18:11

Very fair and sensible

I’d actually send a lawyer in for me children so they’ve done it much nicer than I would have

HotSauceCommittee · 10/06/2019 18:11

OP, it was a patronising e-mail to protect his son’s assets.
My PIL are wealthier than my parents. They GAVE us £10,000 as a house deposit before we were married without any strange requests or e-mails. We did get married and have had 26 years together. In part, I put this down to very little interference/demands from them, and DH remembering he’s a big boy now and his parents don’t tell him what to do.
I knew bugger all about mortgages, didn’t give a thought to what I’d do if we split up...just because you might need a legal perspective, it doesn’t mean FIL is the right place to get it.
What are you going to say to FIL ?

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/06/2019 18:11

Are you engaged because you think it's the next step you should be making ?
Do you even like him ?
You never said why he's buying it on his own.

Zilla1 · 10/06/2019 18:14

Hi OP,

I think your 17.36 update touches on different things to your original post though it may make it more likely the email wasn't intended to be even-handed, more that they were worried your DP would show you it.

Regarding the other issues, it sounds like you need to have an open discussion about things, ideally before you move into the house your DP is buying. It sounds like you would benefit from him setting out his thoughts about the future, the house being in his name only, what he anticipates happening when you are earning (I don't think it would be in your interests to pool your income towards household expenditure when the mortgage is in his name), how he sees careers and children working out and his attitude to his family (not that you expect the apron strings to be cut but you don't seem happy with having your ILS determine your life to the extent you perceive them to do. If you don't like what you hear or don't trust him to make the minimum changes you would be willing to live with, it might be better for you to reassess things before moving into his house, getting married, having children and so on. It does sound like you may end up in the mums net cliche of having a DP problem as much as a MIL problem.

Good luck.

Baddit · 10/06/2019 18:15

Your partner's dad sounds like the only one looking out for you.

OldUnit · 10/06/2019 18:16

I'm I right I'm assuming there is a good deal of family money? That is, future inheritance to come from FIL?

That DP's family is fiscally well off?

I think he's trying to let you know, nicely, to line your own basket, and warning his son to protect his family money.

Future FIL doesn't want you, the potential Ex, to walk away with his families money. IMHO.

Tread carefully.

LillithsFamiliar · 10/06/2019 18:20

It sounds as though your DP is happy with his close relationship with his family or is using them as an excuse to duck out of difficult decisions until he's formulated his reply eg whether or not to move off campus; whether to stay with you at Christmas.
His DM can't be super controlling but at the same time you don't know if his DPs know about the finances for the house purchase. It's either one or the other.
You sound as though you're trying to justify why you reacted badly to a sensible email.
If you have such disdain for your DP and his family relationships, then you have a much bigger problem than a sensible email.