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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
shartsi · 10/06/2019 17:01

I too would be wary if my son was buying a house with his girlfriend who thinks I am too involved in his life. Frankly I don't think his relationship with his parents is your business.

greenlloon · 10/06/2019 17:04

i havent read the thread but the first thing id think is im not stupid and just because you mucked up dosnt mean i will

Vivavivienne · 10/06/2019 17:06

@greenlloon

Perhaps you should read the thread then.

TSSDNCOP · 10/06/2019 17:06

Sound advice

Alsohuman · 10/06/2019 17:07

Except OP hasn’t got a clue.

llangennith · 10/06/2019 17:07

The email is fine. Sound advice. When my DS married his now wife she had worked hard to buy her own flat and two more to rent. She drew up a prenup and my DS signed it. 15 years on they're still together and the prenup is gone. But she was very sensible to want to safeguard her assets.

northerngirl2012 · 10/06/2019 17:07

I don't quite understand why you arn't buying a house with your partner?

Hazlenutpie · 10/06/2019 17:08

I think that the over involvement of his parents is wrong, they need to back off.

As regards the house purchase, the best way would be to both contribute towards the deposit and have both your names on the deeds and both contribute to the mortgage.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 10/06/2019 17:09

they are very very involved in his life and it does get on my nerves.

It might sound OTT OP, but I also urge you to think long and hard about this. Family and its ties do not go away. You seem to have a real issue with his family and their involvement. It will not get better. Do you really want to tie yourself emotionally, financially and legally with him and them and that relationship for the rest of your life?

BertrandRussell · 10/06/2019 17:09

“I think that the over involvement of his parents is wrong, they need to back off.“

What “over involvement”?

CluelessMummyToBe · 10/06/2019 17:11

My PILs give lots of unasked for advice too, it can be irritating but is always given in both of our interests and with the best intentions so I try to take it that way. FWIW I think the advice is sound and you should be getting some proper legal advice and help to draft a cohabitation agreement. In your position I would be concerned about not being named on the mortgage, yes I understand that he is putting down the deposit but you will both be contributing in the future and I wouldn’t want to start a marriage with my husband having all of the financial security/equity. Just make sure you are not putting yourself in an overly precarious position.

INeedAFlerken · 10/06/2019 17:13

If you've been together 5 years and are engaged to be married, why not just get married and then buy the house together with both names on the deed? Book the registry office and just do it.

If your DP is opposed to this idea, then I think you need to take a long hard look at your relationship overall.

greenlloon · 10/06/2019 17:14

Perhaps you should read the thread then.

she asked what i would think of that email i said what i would think so i have better things to do then spend the evening reading mumsnet

CiarCel · 10/06/2019 17:16

You can't be on the mortgage without being on the deeds.

Hazlenutpie · 10/06/2019 17:16

@BertrandRussell The Op posted

partners parents, they are very very involved in his life and it does get on my nerves

SunshineCake · 10/06/2019 17:18

You clearly have an issue so why not be an adult and discuss it with him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/06/2019 17:19

You’re about to commit financial suicide and you’re asking for advice about an email.

When you respond you don’t acknowledge what people are saying.

You should buy the property together and ring fence the assets. He should pay 1k to the moving fees and your deposit should be 1k.

TriciaH87 · 10/06/2019 17:20

I think it's sensible. My partner and I when we bought our house both agreed from the start deposit(he paid from him mum) goes back to her or to him. The rest is 50 50 despite he currently pays more of the mortgage because I am part time due to the children. It's best to have these things figured out so you both know where you stand. The alternative is things go wrong and you have to sort it when your at war with each other. Better to decide in advance when on good terms so it's fair all round

number1wang · 10/06/2019 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iris1654 · 10/06/2019 17:21

BertrandRussell

I think you miss read my post.

I said they were planning to marry! IF they marry she would be entitled to half (after a medium term marriage.)
Children, she would probably get more.

I said at the moment she has no rights.

I’ve been through this.

BertrandRussell · 10/06/2019 17:22

“partners parents, they are very very involved in his life and it does get on my nerves”
Ah right. And you’re taking that as gospel, are you? Fair enough.

overnightangel · 10/06/2019 17:24

Drip drip drip feed
@herculepoirot2 you hate all men we get it 😴

Cherrysoup · 10/06/2019 17:28

I think it’s a sweet thing to be sent.

LittlePearl · 10/06/2019 17:30

Our DIL bought a house with money she had inherited before she and our son married. It was all her deposit and she rightly protected her investment. Our son lived there with her and paid 'rent.'

We offered to advance him some money so he could contribute something too but he declined, feeling it was important that he worked and saved it himself to show her he could take responsibility for himself.

Although it was hard for him to be (to all intents and purposes) her 'lodger' he wouldn't have dreamt of living there for free. He was an adult and would have had to pay rent wherever he was living.

He saved hard and when they moved both their names went on the deeds and now they are married.

I think it's extraordinary for people to say the FIL is interfering - it's just advice, for goodness sake. And clearly something the OP is much in need of.

LillithsFamiliar · 10/06/2019 17:35

It's the OP who is saying the PILs are interfering.
Most MNers are disagreeing with her and saying the email is sensible.
OP, you'd be better spending the time finding good legal and financial advice rather than worrying about whether your prospective DBIL received an email too Hmm