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Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
Lydja · 10/06/2019 16:26

How is hè overall as a person??

My father was always very pessimistic, always looking at what could go wrong, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think he worded it very well and is looking out for the both of you. Is it just your partner who is buying the house or are you buying it together?

My dad would probably give me similar advice wether it would be me or my partner buying the house. If you want to read something negative in it you can but I don’t think that’s how he means it.

RosaWaiting · 10/06/2019 16:26

they sound legally and financially savvy - sounds like they learned after a hard experience - and they want to make sure their DS doesn't make any errors.

sounds good to me.

I'm not married, but I think my parents wouldn't be this savvy which I think is a shame!

number1wang · 10/06/2019 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Faffandahalf · 10/06/2019 16:29

I agree that OP wanted to be told her FIL is an evil interfering busybody who despises her.
Apart from a few lone voices who seem to think any parental concern or opinion is ‘nosy’ (they’re his parents!) the vast vast majority have said the email is totally fine and is doing her a massive favour.
OP’s odd responses (where she’s not really acknowledging the comments especially WHY ARE YOU NOT ON THE DEEDS) suggest she’s not being told what she wanted to hear.

OP you’re a PHD. Learn the law lass.

CiarCel · 10/06/2019 16:29

The moral compasses stuff is not strange - you don't know the details of what he and his current wife/partner went through before but it sounds messy and unpleasant. Maybe SHE ended up being screwed over because things followed "the letter of the law" rather than what would otherwise be considered "fair" or "ethical" by most laymen. Maybe HE did. Maybe they both did. He does actually say that by sorting this now they have a better chance of a long and happy relationship, which is what he wants for them.

GlamGiraffe · 10/06/2019 16:30

DH said pretty much the same thing in person to his daughter when she bought a house with her fiancee. They sorted out legal stuff and her partner had no problems with it. At some stage they may well go on to have kids, either one of them, but if they are to separate it won't change the fact that his daughter has bought the house and her now wife hasn't. I very much doubt it would mean she'd be ruthless and take everything from her wife but it just safeguards a bit. It's a patent wanting to protect their child. I see nothing wrong with it, however I equally can understand how it would make you feel very uncomfortable. I'm sure it's meant without malice and just written in a very matter of fact way.

BertrandRussell · 10/06/2019 16:30

“No he’s not! they are planning to marry...a child or length of time will give OP half at least”
Absolutely not true. Marriage will. Neither a child nor time will.

mamamiass · 10/06/2019 16:30

The solicitor will send you a paperwork in similar manner. It is a normal practice now.

bengalcat · 10/06/2019 16:34

Sensible advice . Do you have a date for the wedding . Yes being married gives you some rights over the property if you’re not on the deeds and split but how much will almost certainly depend on how long you’re married ( hopefully forever ) and whether there are children . I’d find it really weird if I was in your position and not for it to be a joint purchase in whatever proportions and in a joint ownership .

NauseousMum · 10/06/2019 16:34

@Iris1654 and if they don't conceive for years or at all and break up before then? Years of unprotection potentially.

If he never marries her? She has to protect herself, not wait for someone else too.

Walkaround · 10/06/2019 16:37

I'm not even bothered about the moral compass bit - he's talking about their moral compasses, not his own. I interpret it as meaning they should both start as they mean to go on and set things up legally to be as fair as possible as they see it from the start, not just assume they will be reasonable towards each other later on if their relationship goes pear shaped. The OP clearly hasn't bothered to look beyond the end of her own nose to consider any of this, so the advice is extremely timely.

EuromumAussiekid · 10/06/2019 16:38

That's good advice . They are right. If you guys split up it will get very messy regarding property etc

saraclara · 10/06/2019 16:39

If he only had OP's fiance's interests in mind, he wouldn''t have emailed them BOTH and he wouldn't have advised that they BOTH got independent legal advice.

He seems to be a really caring and even-handed sort of inlaw. We don't hear about many of those on MN.

NauseousMum · 10/06/2019 16:39

Am i the only person who has sadly seen many posts by women screwed over years down the line because they never protected themselves, relied on a marriage and that never came?

I've seen so many poor women screwed like this on the relationships forum over the years i have been on here that getting my own advice was the first thing i did.

CaptainButtock · 10/06/2019 16:45

‘I would ask you BOTH to take advice’
Suggests to me he is genuinely looking out for you both. Rather sweet.

GreenTulips · 10/06/2019 16:45

If I'm married and we have children and my name isn't on the deeds what would happen if we divorced

Friend married not on the deeds
He can force the same anytime - she can’t
He can sell without her knowledge and make her and kids homeless - anytime
Any money could be frittered away and she wouldn’t be aware

You’d normally sign to say you would leave if the house is sold

You need to be on the deeds

Qweenbee · 10/06/2019 16:46

Use half your moving costs and the rest of your savings and use that as a deposit. Your bf can pay half the moving costs and the rest of the deposit. Then you both go on the deeds as tenants in common so both your deposits are protected.
If bf is serious about marrying you but won't agree to that, then I'd seriously think twice about moving in together and sinking a few thousand on moving costs and mortgage payments that you may never see a return on.
Your bf on the other hand will have had no moving expenses, will have had half his mortgage paid for him by you and will walk away with all the house in the event of a split.

This lodger type arrangement is fine in a fairly new or not so serious relationship but if you are talking marriage, it's very unfair on you. What would stop your bf from saying he prefers you just living together? You are in a very precarious position until you marry and kids come along.

It isn't unreasonable for your bf to protect his higher deposit though - but you can do this by being tenants in common.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/06/2019 16:50

Indeed naseousmum.
The irony is that getting some protection in place like deeds of trust will cost more than marriage.
Why aren't the basics taught in phse at school?

mokapot · 10/06/2019 16:50

Nice and fair enough.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 10/06/2019 16:52

Why did you say HE was buying a house? Why isn't it WE are buying a house, even if your in one are different you're still be cintributing yo the mortgage

FreeTedHastings · 10/06/2019 16:52

OP have you heard of the phrase 'willful blindness'? It seems to me that you are deliberately ignoring the very good advice you have been given on here by the majority of posters and from your not-yet FIL.

You need to protect yourself. In a year's time you could have sunk then grand of your new earnings into making the place look fab and you would have no right to any of it.

I was given very similar advice by a relative when I was 25 and bought a place with my then boyfriend, now husband. I was initially annoyed as it wasn't quite what I wanted to hear. But my relative then advised me to buy a decent lay person's legal book about cohabiting. I did this, ate my humble pie very quickly, and took all the advice and more. I'm very grateful for that advice, even though we've been together many years now.

You've a chance to learn from other people's mistakes. Take it.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 10/06/2019 16:53

Incomes

NauseousMum · 10/06/2019 16:58

Dixiechickonhols i wish i knew, that and budgeting should be a must.

I think some people get embarrassed talking about and defensive over protecting themselves as though it implies they/their dp don't trust. But it's sensible.

I hope my relationship never bottoms out but I've seen some very long length and what i thought were strong ones do so. I would always ensure we all were protected.

Tenants in common is best, especially as it makes will writing easier if you want to put property in trust.

Esspee · 10/06/2019 16:59

Haven't time to read the full thread but I wouldn't take offence at the email but I am wondering why your partner is buying a house and not the two of you.

CiarCel · 10/06/2019 17:00

Presumably HE is buying the house because she is not contributing anything towards the deposit and is unemployed so is not on the mortgage either. She needs to be realistic about that.

I would not contribute a single penny over and beyond my share of the joint bills until I was on the deeds, whether that was at the point of marriage or before, and would be keeping back my savings and adding to them once I got a job to put towards a deposit on my own place. I wouldn't marry someone who did not accept that.

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