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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
wasnotwasweregood · 10/06/2019 15:46

There's two ways to see this, I see why you feel it's a bit accusatory but it could also be about protecting your own financial interests. Are you buying together? As in tenants in common? It makes sense to get a legal draft just highlighting who has put in what. I did this with my (now) DH when we bought a flat, he put up 75% of the deposit and mortgages repayments I put in 25%. We went 50/50 on furniture etc and agreed a set amount.
I couldn't have covered mortgage payments on my own so it meant that if everything had gone boobs up for us he would've had to buy me out at least giving me original deposit etc back. Sure as and when you marry the legal situation will be different but in looking out for his son's best interests he's also looking out for yours if you live in your DP's house and invest any of your income into it's maintenance, furniture or development etc.
Good luck with the move!

StarJumpsandaHalf · 10/06/2019 15:47

@LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas there seem to be a lot of things you don't know, particularly with regard to any possible comments towards your DP's brother and his girlfriend.

What you've said sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder about your position within this purchase and the extended family. I don't read the 'advice' the way you do at all and agree with mosts others that you should calm down, read it again and consider carefully.

In essence he's speaking from experience and gently reminding both of you that before entering into any legal agreements, you need to think about difficult times as well as when everything in the garden's rosy. It's good advice and even if it is unsolicited, sounds well meant towards both of you.

mamaoffourdc · 10/06/2019 15:48

He wants to protect you both, not insulting or implying that you are a good digger in the slightest - he is giving excellent advice! You need to give him a big hug and say thank you x

flumpybear · 10/06/2019 15:49

I'd be interested if your partner had a sister and she was marrying a wealthy man whilst she had a modest income whether they'd email the same thing Hmm

I think probably not!

saraclara · 10/06/2019 15:50

they are very very involved in his life and it does get on my nerves.

What are your own parents like? It seems to me that he has very caring ones. And, to be honest, the StepFil has done you a huge favour here, judging by your naive questions. Why have you not been getting this sort of advice from your own family?

QueSera · 10/06/2019 15:52

OP a few thoughts:
As I said previously, I think the email was fine and well-intentioned.
Why is your 'few thousand' being effectively thrown away on moving costs? Surely your money should be added to the deposit, with both of you on the deeds for differing percentages (and then split moving costs). The fact that you are ok with this this, and your partner is accepting this, makes me feel that a) you are very easily taken advantage of, and sadly, b) that your partner is happy to take advantage of you. That is a red flag to me.
Why is your partner going to accept rent from you? You need to know if this is just money down the drain to you, whereas your partner will be using it to pay off his mortgage.
How could you be so naive as to wonder whether your partner will get sole custody of the children if you separate simply because it's his house?
You are in DIRE NEED of legal advice OP, on many subjects, eg the law of property, cohabitation, marriage, separation, child custody. It is far better to be aware of these things before you embark on further cohabition, marriage and children.

CocoCharlie83 · 10/06/2019 15:56

You sound very naïve and more interested in finding offense than looking at the great advice provided.

Stop trying to be offended and get proper advice so you don't go into this situation blind and you can be protected if anything goes wrong with the relationship.

Armadillostoes · 10/06/2019 16:02

I would find it incredibly patronising. Unsolicited advice is rude and unhelpful. Tell him that, but also thank him for his good intentions.

Quartz2208 · 10/06/2019 16:03

You should be taking its advice and getting legal advice and checking what would happen

Because you should be ringfencing his deposit for him and BOTH going on the deeds if you are BOTH going to be paying off the mortgage - at the moment it is YOU who are looking at not being protected not him. Although marriage could change that it would be a costly divorce to get it sorted

Take the advice and get some proper legal advice and hopefully come to the conclusion that his deposit should be protected and you should both be on the deeds

NauseousMum · 10/06/2019 16:04

You should be on the deeds, with your boyfriend's deposit protected by your solicitor.

I would wonder if your bf dad thinks you are being foolish and wanted to get that across. Given you have set plans to not protect yourself, your investment or future i would be thanking him.

Don't screw yourself. Talk to your solicitor, get on the deeds as tenant in common.

frogsoup · 10/06/2019 16:05

This particular unsolicited advice might just save her bacon a few years down the line, Armadillo, judging from her naive questions.

Reallybadidea · 10/06/2019 16:05

If you find them annoying and overly involved now, think how much worse it will be when they're sending emails about your infant feeding choices, whether to be a SAHM, childcare, schooling etc etc!

greenlynx · 10/06/2019 16:07

I don’t like this email. He didn’t give you any advice, very vague about everything. He definitely has something particular in mind.
I don’t believe in future PIL having YOUR best interests in heart but I don’t believe in fairies either.
I think his son (who share a lot with parents) expressed intention to put you on the deeds so he’s trying to sent him to a lawyer knowing that any lawyer will tell him to protect his deposit. Dad doesn’t want to give this advice himself, hence the email. Dad knows that his son will tell you all about it, hence the email to both of you.
I would thank him politely and will be on my guard around him. I would also get legal advice for myself and act according it. You need to get married and be on the deeds, fight for this.

Dieu · 10/06/2019 16:09

Absolutely fine.

Quartz2208 · 10/06/2019 16:11

greenlynx he should protect his deposit and she should be on the deeds

CiarCel · 10/06/2019 16:12

I don't like this email. He didn't give you any advice

HE GAVE THEM THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE:

"I would ask you both to take advice"

As the FIL he is not in a position to give her INDEPENDENT legal advice which is what she seriously needs!

titchy · 10/06/2019 16:12

So FIL has emailed you some very wise words. You have now acted on them by posting here and found out that unless you're married as you're not on the mortgage you have no rights to the house. Once married you've found out you will.

So now you know exactly where you stand, all because your very sensible fil has suggested that you consider your situation with your head rather than your heart.

Sensible man - you should be thanking him profusely. I doubt you will though somehow...Hmm

Birdsonginthetrees · 10/06/2019 16:13

I think it's lovely that he wants to advise and to make sure you've both thought about this from all angles.

I've seen so many people of different ages get f'd over, money wise, when they split up with someone. Mainly because nobody thinks about all the 'bad' possibilities when they're moving in or buying with someone.

Take his advice!

Parents only want the best for their children and children's partners - he's just trying to look out for you both and make sure you don't make mistakes he or others have made in the past. There's nothing but love and care in that email.

NauseousMum · 10/06/2019 16:16

He's already protecting his deposit as he and OP decided she won't be on the deeds.

PIL may not have OPs best interests at heart, but it's obvious from her updates that they've unwittingly done her a massive favour. If she hadn't posted here, she would definitely have screwed herself. Hopefully she won't now.

Get on the deeds OP, he can protect his deposit and get married before you do have dc, if you plan to have dc.

Walkaround · 10/06/2019 16:20

If the OP thinks the email is warning the stepson about her, then step fil is quite right to give his clearly impartial advice and make them think about getting proper advice on the implications of this transaction. It's idiotic to purchase a house in just one partner's name when unmarried and not find out the legal implications in the long term. Have the OP and her partner even bothered with wills? Sounds like they are lucky to have him looking out for both of them and not wanting them to end up with as big a financial mess up as he and his current dw ended up with at the end of their first marriages.

Iris1654 · 10/06/2019 16:21

He 's already protecting his deposit as he and OP decided she won't be on the deeds.

No he’s not! they are planning to marry...a child or length of time will give OP half at least.

Topseyt · 10/06/2019 16:23

It is a wise, thoughtful and caring email from your FIL.

You should take heed, but instead you seem determined to be offended. You are not listening to anything that anyone here is telling you because they are not absolutely fuming and outraged on your behalf. That is because they can see that your FIL is right.

I do hope that you get your own proper legal advice soon. Before the house is purchased. Unfortunately though, you sound determined to remain naïve and clueless.

WHY ISN'T THE HOUSE BEING PURCHASED JOINTLY?

At least have your name on the deeds and a deed of trust drawn up to protect your interests.

Your FIL is telling both of you to protect yourselves. Almost everyone on here is screaming at you to protect yourself.

You aren't listening because it isn't following the narrative you had wanted.

Iris1654 · 10/06/2019 16:23

PIL may not have OPs best interests at heart, but it's obvious from her updates that they've unwittingly done her a massive favour. If she hadn't posted here, she would definitely have screwed herself. Hopefully she won't now.

PIL have now guaranteed cost a deed of trust! Not saying I wouldn’t do the same (I would) but he’s not looking out for her interests at all.

greenlynx · 10/06/2019 16:24

And I don’t like the bit about moral compasses. Very strange.
I would like to know if he send this email to his other son as well.

CocoCharlie83 · 10/06/2019 16:26

Unsolicited advice is rude and unhelpful.

Since the OP hadn't got a clue about her rights and what she was getting into the advice is extremely helpful as she was about to be left in a precarious position without it so should be thanking him for the email instead of trying to come up with some way in which she can make him look bad