What would you think of this email from inlaws?

[LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas]

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

Very sensible advise that you both should take on board. Friend of mine has just split after many years of marriage from her DH. Prior to marriage they purchased their house. Luckily she got a deed set up that if they split her extremely vast deposit was protected otherwise half would be going to him and his debts

Ask your DH what he intends to happen in the future with the house. Will you go on the deeds after marriage? Or will he want you paying rent to him? (You won't be paying the mortgage unless it's your mortgage.) And yes, what happens when you have children? Be smart and make sure you are financially secure before you have kids. So many women aren't.

@LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas Please get independent legal advice to protect yourself, you are financially in a very vulnerable position. If you are paying rent and half the bills and split that is it, you are out on your ear with nothing to show for what you paid into the house. You will in effect have paid off part of a mortgage for a home that you have no claim too, get legal advice today.

Yes yes yes to ChuckleBuckles.

He’s not telling you what to do just to get advice.
If you search matrimonial home rights it explains if you are married you can have rights to stay in the property even if not on the deeds.
But you are not married. There’s a guide on CAB explaining law as a cohabiter.
Your updates make you sound very naive and in need of advice.
Why are you paying moving costs for a house that is not yours?
You will be a lodger and paying board to a landlord. There is no problem with that as long as both parties are clear. But talk of being partners and we are buying a house blurs things and before you know it you’ve spent time eg decorating and money on someone else’s house with no recourse to get that back if things go wrong.

He sounds very caring and that is very good advice. He includes you BOTh and wants you to have a long relationship. He has lived thru hard times and knows the struggle all too well. He is not trying to be a miserable old thing but giving you loving and solid advice. Give him a big hug and enjoy your new family

It is advice. You can either heed or ignore it. Not the thing to focus on I'd suggest. Far more important to have the discussion with your DP about how to protect your individual and mutual financial interests prior to marriage.

You should be on the house deeds as tenants in common with the percentages split as per your contributions. Moving costs are part of buying a house (deposit is not the only expense) and so you ARE contributing to the house purchase. That way you are paying towards the mortgage of a property that you own a small percentage of rather than paying off someone else’s mortgage with nothing to show for it as you would while renting.

Was given this advice by my former "MIL", I was very thankful towards her for it.

You can draw up an agreement that protects your DP's capital contribution in terms of the deposit whilst having you as tenants in common. Has your DP not suggested this?

You sound very immature.

So I suspect that your PIL wants to ensure that your DP doesn’t loose his inheritance once you are married (obviously, it won’t make any difference now).

I think you need some legal advice re the house/deeds/marriage.
After a few years of being married, the house would be seen as marital assets and would basically be 50% yours (hence the potential worry about protecting his inheritance).
This would have no impact on custody of the children if you have some.
This COULD be an issue of you carry on living together as partners in that house for a while and then decide to separate. If you have been contributing to the mortgage, will it mean that some of the house is yours? (It very much depends on the set up and who is paying what ans how).

So best get some legal advice now. Not in a negative way ( as in gold digger etc..). But if you are contributing to the mortgage, esp if the mortgage is high, you might want to access that rightful part of the money so you can start again (buying a house etc...)

Oh btw, I know that thinking about divorce, separation, protecting assets feels very yucky when you are planning to get married. But it is worth thinking about it and ensuring that you don’t end up in a very vulnerable position. This is even more the cas if you end up having children wo being married!

Get your head out of —your bum— the sand and stop wasting energy being offended. It was a nice email, from someone looking out for you BOTH.

LISTEN to what people are telling you. You are about to do a VERY stupid thing. You need to get legal advice

As importantly, you need to be asking why your partner is buying a house & why you are not buying a house together. How have your finances been arranged until now? Is his deposit from family/an inheritance or money he’s saved while you’ve been living together etc

If he’s buying it and you’re just living there you’re in an incredibly vulnerable place if you split up. As his father is telling you.

Actually I think he is trying to protect your interests as much as his son's.

Once he's bought the house, you are living together and you are paying your share of the mortgage (and possibly a baby comes along too), what would happen to you if the deeds are in his sole name and the two of you haven't yet married?

You'd be up shit creek without a paddle, that's what.

I think the advice in the email is eminently sensible.

It is quite sad in this day and age, a woman, particularly what appears to be a well educated one, likely in her late twenties, is so clueless of the financial implications of marriage and house purchases her own future father in law has to give her a nudge, and her only reaction is he thinks she's a gold digger and did he send one to thr other girlfriend. Just embarrassing and sad.

The reality op is he doesn't think you're a gold digger, at worst he thinks you're clueless and he's concerned you're about to put a lot of money, and then help pay the mortgage of a house you have no share in and can be kicked out of. This man is on your side and your instinct was to attack him.

He's a fuck ton more on your side than your partner is. Unless your partner is borrowing up to the absolute maximum and the lender has said he'd have to borrow less if you were on the deeds, then there is no good reason for you not to be on them, or to pretend his money is for the deposit and yours is for all the costs.

And even if the mortgage company did say it, there is no reason you can't have a legal document drawn up saying you are entitled to fifty percent equity and to register a claim on the property with the land registry.

Your future father in law is right. You need legal advice. Because right now you've put youtself in a terrible position and your partner has all the cards. Every single one of them.

You need to get a job then buy the house together with his deposit ringfenced.
I think your father in law means we'll and is looking after you too as a potential mother to any grandchildre.n
If you as blind to the law and life as you seem then is is an extremely well meant letter.

It sounds like very sound advice. I don't understand why people think they should automatically be entitled to be put onto the deeds of a house if they are contributing zero to a deposit. You are not even working and therefore, presumably will be contributing nothing to the mortgage/bills either until you can afford to?

Save up your money and buy a house in your name OP. Then, all being well, you can rent that out and have that as your asset.

OP I haven't read the whole thread, just your replies.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not sink money in to this house without having any rights to it!

Get a legal document that if the house is sold due to a break up, then you fiance gets his deposit back then the rest is split.

He sounds very caring and sensible. It seems he s protective.

I think it's fair and very carefully worded. There are risks on both sides, however you approach this house buying. He's at risk from losing the deposit, or you're at risk from having no entitlement to the property. OF COURSE you need to take independent advice.

Seriously, you're clearly a very intelligent person, yet you are being stunningly dense about this purchase.

My daughter has her own place and a new partner. She saved really hard for the deposit on the one she has, and if they buy a bigger place (which they almost certainly will) she will have to use that cash again, and as far as I'm aware, her partner doesn't have any savings to add to it. So yes, I'll want to advise her to make sure her deposit is protected. Her new partner doesn't pay towards the present mortgage, because that would leave him unprotected, and that's the fair and sensible thing, too.

Sounds like the voice of experience and does not sound once sided towards his own son and against yourself.

honestly, I think it sounds fair enough. And they've obviously gone to the trouble of trying to word it sensitively. I wouldn't be offended by this in the slightest.

Op. Your question at 13.30 makes me think he's done you a favour by making you think and ask questions
about potential future financial negatives and how to manage them.

Even if his underlying motive is to protect his son, he's worded it considerately.

“If I'm married and we have children and my name isn't on the deeds what would happen if we divorced. Would me and the children be homeless or would my partner get sole custody?”
Blimey. You need to talk to a solicitor before you go any further. What’s your PhD in?