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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 10/06/2019 14:36

Sensible. More in your favour if anything as he’s saying to take advice. Surely it’s sensible to know the legal ramifications. Have wills etc. Time and again on here you read of women moving into man’s house, contributing to household finances and then being shocked they have nothing when they split up.

RaffertyFair · 10/06/2019 14:36

His advice is simply for both of you to get independent legal advice. How can you be offended by that?

hanahsaunt · 10/06/2019 14:37

I think that it's rather lovely he included you in that correspondence - far easier just to contact his son to make sure that he is protected. He has gone out of his way to consider both of you. It may feel like interfering especially if you are prickly about the relationship but take a step back and it's actually quite caring and sound advice.

combatbarbie · 10/06/2019 14:37

I read it as he's looking out for you both..... Unless there's a backstory of a fractious relationship between you and them?

Dixiechickonhols · 10/06/2019 14:38

It is not an easy email to write but tone is from a good place I think.

katmarie · 10/06/2019 14:38

I think that is very thoughtful advice. I've said very similar to friends buying homes together before getting married.

Dontthinkofthegame · 10/06/2019 14:38

You are about to potentially fuck yourself over financially and you’re worried about how an email is worded? Confused

Can I suggest that I’m completely with your STB FIL and you need legal/financial advice before doing anything.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/06/2019 14:38

I think that is a lovely, considered and thoughtful email addressed to BOTH of you.

The fact that you'd even consider taking offence at this or assume you're being called a 'gold digger' says a lot more about your insecurities than you probably realise.

combatbarbie · 10/06/2019 14:40

Why is the house not joint?

BazaarMum · 10/06/2019 14:40

If he was only trying to protect his son, he could have just emailed him saying “make sure she’s not on the deeds until you are married, or unless she’s matching your contribution to the purchase”. He’d have no need to let you know he was thinking about it.

I think it’s more likely he’s pointing up to you that legally if you are not on the deeds and haven’t contributed to the purchase you’d get nothing in a split. So legally his son could walk away with the house and screw you. He’s probably making you both aware of it to ensure you have the conversation as a couple and you go into the arrangement with open eyes (rather than discovering it a decade down the line).

Hollowvictory · 10/06/2019 14:40

Op you're hoping someone here will be enraged on your behalf? I can't see that happening. Mn folk are generally in favour of financial protection in a relationship.

ryanreynolds · 10/06/2019 14:42

Another one who thinks it's sensible to agree what you'd do in the event of a split whilst you're happy.

DH bought his first house 10 years ago, which I moved into. He spoke to his lawyer and we set it up so I had no more rights than a lodger, which I thought was fair.

5 years ago, we moved. This time, I was also on the deeds, we bought as tenants in common and his initial deposit was protected by a deed of trust. I hadn't added any deposit, just allowed us to borrow more with me on it. We agreed at the time that if we were to have kids, then the deed of trust would expire.

1 year ago, we moved again. We've since got married. DH didn't want the deed of trust anymore (I'd have been happy for him to continue to protect until I got pregnant as it's only then that my earning potential is protected).

I think it's an email that his Dad has tried hard over to not insult you. It is sensible to have these conversations, same as it's sensible to have conversations of how you'd split bills/renovations/furniture etc.

teddyhatesapples · 10/06/2019 14:43

Exactly what I'd tell my own dc and their future partners.

You need to cover yourself as well as he does. Say you have dc before marriage and go part time or quit your job....

If things went south (hopefully not) and he called it quits you could be homeless, jobless and left to raise dc by yourself.

Read the relationship board and you'll soon see that many people have been left in the shit.

Isatis · 10/06/2019 14:43

If he wanted to imply you were a gold-digger, he would have sent that email to your partner alone, not to both of you. If anything, he's telling your partner that, although he is buying the property on his own, he has to treat you fairly.

Pikapikachooo · 10/06/2019 14:44

Sensible man
Take his advice

Isatis · 10/06/2019 14:45

I'm puzzled that you only seem to be interested in the motivation behind one email, and not the much more serious issue that you are committing yourself to putting lots of money into a house in which you have no legal interest. Seriously, by far the most urgent matter is your need to have a serious conversation with your partner about your name going on the deeds.

TatianaLarina · 10/06/2019 14:46

Everyone who says you should put the moving costs into the deposit is right. Why on earth would you pay moving fees for a house you don’t own? Equally - you will be contributing to the mortgage of a house you have no legal interest in. More dead money.

A couple friend of mine lived together with no cohabitation agreement and the distress when they split was as bad as a divorce.

You need to wise up fast.

brilliotic · 10/06/2019 14:47

Underneath the careful wording, there are two bits of actual advice:

  1. Talk to each other, discuss what you both feel should happen in various scenarios.
  2. Get legal advice to ensure that what you both desire to happen in those scenarios is actually what would happen, legally. So, get the correct contracts/deeds/wills/ etc so that what you discussed and decided in 1) is more than just empty words.

He isn't saying what HE thinks would be fair. In which case the e-mail could be read as protecting you, or protecting your DP, or both.
No, he is saying that YOU need to decide what YOU think would be fair, and whatever that is - even if it is that you get everything and DP nothing, or that you get nothing and DP gets everything - you need to ensure that this has a solid legal foundation.

Charley50 · 10/06/2019 14:48

OP, are you going to take anyone's advice on here, and get legal advice of your own?

If you contribute say £5000 or £2000 or whatever, you should be on the deeds and have a percentage interest in the house (not sure legal terminology).
You say you are going to be paying 'rent.' Well actually you would be contributing to paying off the mortgage, more reason to be on the deeds so that if you split up before you got married you can claim something back.

Personally it sounds like your partner is willing to fuck you over, and it's him you should be pissed off with, not your FIL, who has written a carefully worded email to ask you both to look at doing what is right.

Did you start a thread about your partner last week? Is he the sort of person you can have a sensible conversation with?

sirfredfredgeorge · 10/06/2019 14:50

If the man really thought you were a gold digger, that advice would have been given to his son only, and would've been warning about that. Almost certainly he does want to protect his son as his prime motivation for writing it, but he has rightly made the point to you that you also need to protect yourself in the situation (Even if that situation is just you living rent free, not contributing a sausage to your partners home, you still need to make sure you have enough funds available to get out if necessary)

I suspect there's quite a back story with money in his life, which is why he felt the need.

Taking insult at it seems strange.

teddyhatesapples · 10/06/2019 14:51

I also think your future FIL is having your back here!

He may think that your DP is taking the piss a little and as others said even if it's a few grand...imo that should be your percentage to the property and you should be on the deeds if you're contributing equally each month.

Get proper advice please op.

NCforthis2019 · 10/06/2019 14:51

Youre looking for reasons to dislike the parents - its struck a nerve with you, is that what you think, that your a gold digger? I cant think of why you would feel this way unless you or someone else has brought it up? You mention that you dont like certain things about the parents - about how close they are to your partner, maybe thats why you are unhappy. When i got married, a cousin mentioned it in casual conversation that i must be after my now husband for his money, i laughed it off and said something like yes - and he has two houses too!! it didnt bother me, because i know what i am.

I think its a sensible email - and one i would write myself. Its important that you both are protected.

Iris1654 · 10/06/2019 14:52

I Think that he is wanting to protect his sons inheritance.

As it stands yes, you are in a very vulnerable position but if you marry and have children, you would have a claim on his initial deposit.

A ring fence on his initial investment seems fair, but do think through the scenarios.
What if you inherit after marriage, will that be a marital assets? Seems unfair then.

If he has that initial deposit ring fenced on divorce, it’s more likely you will be bought out. At the very least selling the house.

My in-laws attempted a similar stunt. I had all null and void once I had a child’s included in the deed of trust. For the reasons above.

Honestly if you are not buying jointly I’d be very worried about how serious it is.

Nyon · 10/06/2019 14:52

Having seen your last update, it looks like you’re looking to be offended because you resent the fact that DP’s family are ‘overly’ involved in his life.

I also think that some of your updates have proven your innocence - legal advice would be a sound investment before a house a bought and you dive headfirst into vulnerability

Iris1654 · 10/06/2019 14:54

Sorry, forgot to add, I would insist my children had it protected in a divorce.

But I see both sides.