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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of this email from inlaws?

660 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 10/06/2019 12:16

Background info: Been dating for 5 years, living together in rented accommodation and engaged. Partner is buying a house. What would you think if you got this email from step fil?

Email: The two of you have the potential to do well in the future and I hope that you have luck on your side and things work out. It isn't always the case so permit me to be a little pessimistic regarding the future. When you take on a mortgage or other long term commitments you can't know how things will turn out years down the road so you both need to plan for contingencies just in case. Don't forget Mum and I have both difficulties in the past and all the subsequent mess of family and finances to sort out and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would ask you both to take advice and look at the legal and ethical implications now to ensure that if things go wrong in future for whatever reason, that you both do, not just what is legally right, but what is fair and equitable according to your moral compass. Talk about the realities without the rose coloured glasses and the chances of a long and happy relationship will be much improved. I write this, not as an old curmudgeon, but as a Dad who wants you both to have the best lives you can.

OP posts:
Gth1234 · 10/06/2019 13:52

I think some things are better "said in person" than emailed.

AcrobaticCardigan · 10/06/2019 13:53

Sounds sensible and also like he cares about the both of you, not just your DP.

sheshootssheimplores · 10/06/2019 13:54

Sounds quite sweet but if you feel there’s a veiled attempt to get your partner to secure his money then yep, I can see that too.

ButterflyWitch · 10/06/2019 13:54

OP re your last post - the fact that you don’t already know these answers highlights the gentle advice from your step FIL that you both need to get legal advice. I thought it was a very carefully worded, sincere and non judgmental email btw. Looking out for both your interests

SherlockSays · 10/06/2019 13:55

Why is it only your partner buying the house, why aren't you buying together if the plan is to get married soon?

Sounds like good advice to me.
Until you're married, you're both in a rocky place with house ownership and any other assets.
Get proper legal advice, as the email suggests.

omione · 10/06/2019 13:55

It is fine and sound advice, Your partner needs to look after his investment, as you stated he is buying, you are not buying together so if anything goes wrong he should be able to keep all of his investment. . They are not your in laws.

averythinline · 10/06/2019 13:56

you are not married though and not on the house... yes the situation changes a bit with marriage but not with deeds/mortgage

please get your own legal and financial advice - dont pay anything towards the house moving costs etc why the hell is that 000's anyway - save your money - you will legally have less rights than a tenant in this house and could be told to get out at anytime

his brothers situation is nothing to do with you ... unless you know the details of all their finances as well..

and being engaged means nothing..

Gentleness · 10/06/2019 13:56

It sounds like he really cares about both of you and wants you to avoid some of the problems he and his partner faced. Great parenting, passing on wisdom about practical and emotional matters in a sensitive way. He's really tried hard with that email and I think you would gain from thanking him for it and for his care for you. Having people who care is huge.

QueSera · 10/06/2019 13:56

Very sound, sensible advice, tactfully and dipolomatically put.
If my child were buying a house, I would want them protected against unfair claims by girlfriend/boyfriend.

HollowTalk · 10/06/2019 13:56

I think the difference is that you say your partner is buying a house, but that the other couple are buying a house together. Completely different situation.

If my son or daughter were in a similar position to you I think I'd say the same thing to them, but if they were buying a house with their partner, I wouldn't.

velveteenwabbit · 10/06/2019 13:56

He's trying to warn his son off you IMO, the whole "moral compass" thing is not just patronising and insulting but I think he's trying to make out you're after the inheritance.

It's all a moot point if you get married anyway.

Nosey old man.

Reallybadidea · 10/06/2019 13:57

I think it's really difficult to know what your FIL means from the letter alone because we have no idea of his understanding of property/divorce law. If he thinks that you'd be entitled to half just by moving in then he probably means that your fiance needs to protect himself. On the other hand, if he thinks that you won't be entitled to anything unless you're on the deeds then he probably means that you need to protect yourself! Unless you speak to him and find out you could easily be getting the wrong end of the stick.

SherlockSays · 10/06/2019 13:58

If DD was buying a house with someone and putting 40k deposit in with no contribution from partner, you'd sure bet I'd be getting her to take legal advice about how to protect her share, regardless if she was the only one on the mortgage or not.

cheeseypuff · 10/06/2019 13:59

Sensible advice - when my (now) husband & I bought our first house we weren't married. We were fairly sure we wanted to stay together, but even so we bought it as tenants in common so that the legal side would be simpler if we didn't stay together.
He's actually thinking of you both.

yakari · 10/06/2019 14:01

With so little context, I'd say he's gone through a rough time in the past where financials caused a lot of grief and is trying to get you both to avoid that. If I was cynical and you feel there's a background of him being wary of your relationship, I'd say he was warning your DP but actually he's doing you a favour because now you can think it through from your side. Either way, no foul.

Seriously the positive to take from this is now you know you need to have a grown up conversation with your DP. Both get legal advice, have the crappy 'what happens if we break up' discussions now as opposed to in the heat of a relationship split. Think through the main scenarios - marriage, babies, divorce, death, inability to work (ie disability) and all the permutations they involve. You can't predict the future but you should plan for it.

Slightlyjaded · 10/06/2019 14:01

Surely if your FIL didn't also care for how you would fare should the relationship end, he wouldn't have included you on the email?

He would have spoken to his son alone. By email or directly.

I think the FIL means well, and it's an opportunity for you to consider the implications of all possible futures.

HollowTalk · 10/06/2019 14:01

Just read the update. You'd be CRAZY to buy in that way. So he buys the house and it's in his name, whereas you pay for the removal etc costs and will have nothing to show for them? Absolutely not.

I've seen this on here so many times. Guy has a house. Woman pays for decoration, extension, new bathroom etc. They separate and the guy has a lovely home and the woman has nothing.

No. You have a PhD and can clearly think clearly when you want to - don't let yourself get confused here.

The fairest would be to both contribute towards the deposit, safeguard your deposits in a legal arrangement, both have your names on the deeds and both contribute to the mortgage.

You would be mad to pay for his costs of buying a house. I think your FIL has done you a favour.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 10/06/2019 14:01

I don't understand why you're not buying together. You don't have to be earning to be on the mortgage or deeds. When DH and I bought our first house we weren't married and I wasn't working (pregnant recent graduate), bug my name was on everything nonetheless.

Tanith · 10/06/2019 14:02

I think this email has come from a thoughtful and caring man who wants to make sure neither of you is disadvantaged by your decision.

If he'd meant it as a warning to his son, he would never have sent you the email. In fact, he's sent it to both of you, and he addresses you both throughout.
He's also made himself and his wife vulnerable to you by admitting they have had their own problems in the past and he's speaking from experience. That's a very generous and brave thing to have done.

Listen to him and thank him for his advice. He means well and he wants the best for both of you.

gokartdillydilly · 10/06/2019 14:08

It sounds to me like there is some hidden agenda/issue in his message. On first reading, it seems sensible and caring, but I think there may be more to this than meets the eye.

For instance, some men think that they deserve more in a divorce settlement because they've been the main bread-winner all along whilst their wives have not contributed financially, because they've put their careers on hold to pump out babies instead. If this is what he is implying, I would be very wary of taking much heed, but perhaps a heart-to-heart with your partner and a discussion with a legal person to establish the parameters and expectations is necessary, especially if he owns the house and you don't, but you're expecting to contribute.

Wonkydonkey44 · 10/06/2019 14:09

I would say he’s looking out for both of u . You don’t want to contribute towards a mortgage that you would not benefit from . He’s saying you both need to go into this with your eyes open .

CocoCharlie83 · 10/06/2019 14:10

Great advice, you should be thanking him for it

Pinotjo · 10/06/2019 14:10

Hes including both of you in his wording, I wouldn't take offence, he clearly cares about both of you, very sensible advice. You're not married and hes telling both of you to sort out your finances incase anything goes wrong, not the same scenario if you were married.

DuMondeB · 10/06/2019 14:13

Anyone planning on marrying/co habiting needs to have a serious talk about present and future finances, including the legal positions.

In that sense, the advise was very sensible, and could apply to anyone (and especially those coming into a partnership with vastly inequal assets).

You’d probably be best off working for a year and getting a mortgage together, whilst legally acknowledging the deposit is all his. Get actual, professional, qualified advice though - not just randos from Mumsnet.

DuMondeB · 10/06/2019 14:14

OR you could get married straight away - just a register office type thing for the legal contract - you can have a wedding party and a fancy frock later on, if you like that stuff.