AIBU to ask those of you who've said they'll help with childcare....

[TheOrigFV45]

...over the summer in a vague "you know I'll always have him" sort of way, to actually make firm plans with those you know may really appreciate your kind offer.

I have friends who are willing to take my son for the day to play with theirs, or on days out, but unless I know well in advance, I will already have made more concrete plans with the childminder which means I either lose £ or my child misses out. The childminder is already getting booked up. If I don't book her now I risk having nothing in place.

OBVIOUSLY I know he's my responsibility, but if you're thinking of helping a lone working parent out over the summer, NOW is the time to make that offer. That parent will really appreciate it.

Yes, I'm resentful of absent other parent.
Yes, I'm resentful said parent is still being chased by CMS (case opened in Jan).
Yes, I'm sad that while I work full time my son is shuttled off to the childminder, while many of the SAHPs are arranging all manner of get togethers.

Btw, no father to have ds on weekends, just family who I don't expect to be thrilled at the prospect of having my child around for the day.

Christ, I work FT but OP why on earth would you think that other people are there to provide free childcare for your kid while you work, with nothing in return.

I have a spreadsheet. It’s already filled up with the weeks people said they would do. Without that I couldn’t book the things DD definitely wants to do.

Insecurities? No, I just really feel for other single parents. It's really hard work sometimes and it's nice when friends do something kind to help out if they can.

If you're not happy to do it and you're just doing vague virtue signalling, then don't say anything at all.

to paraphrase Jane Austen, it seems to be a universally acknowledged truth that an economically inactive woman with a couple of spare hours must be in want of some more unpaid caring responsibilities

This made me laugh!!!

I would interpret “I’ll always have him” as a response to your talking about childcare problems; it’s a bit like asking if there’s anything you can do for someone who has told you that a relative has just died. It’s a kindly meant, but ultimately vague offer. It means “consider me a friend you can turn to in an emergency/if you’re stuck”. In a childcare context, I would interpret it to mean “I’m someone you can call if there’s a traffic jam and you need someone to pick up your son from school” rather than “I’m happy to offer prearranged full days of unpaid childcare”.

I have a spreadsheet. It’s already filled up with the weeks people said they would do. Without that I couldn’t book the things DD definitely wants to do.

Weeks??

Blimey

Weeks at a time

but if you're wanting 9-10 hours of work off them, I think the least you can do is to take on the discomfort of asking yourself and not expect them to take care of that for you.

Well said-this is the crux of the OP’s initial post.

I have a spreadsheet. It’s already filled up with the weeks people said they would do.

Weeks? Bloody hell!

OP YADNBU and I don't think people understand how difficult this is unless you are a lone parent.

But again, it isn’t anyone’s else’s responsibility.

I find it astounding that it hasn't occurred to some of you that childcare in the holidays - especially as a single parent - needs to organised well in advance

Well I am a single parent, with a donor conceived child, so no other adult, and I don't ask for free childcare on my days I have to go to work. I just get on with it and book him into the holiday care.

People cant mind read, if you need help on certain days then you need to ask them specifically if they can do such and such a date.
TBH you are cheeky expecting them to give you free childcare, and yes Im a single parent in a different country where I dont speak the language very well, with no family here and not many friends yet. I have organised and paid for child care myself.

That Jane Austen thing really made me laugh!

I find it astounding that it hasn't occurred to some of you that childcare in the holidays - especially as a single parent - needs to organised well in advance

Of course it’s occurred to people. Which is why everyone books PAID childcare in plenty of time.

If only I was clever enough to have conference calls then I wouldn't have to look after everyone's rotten kids for free

It may just be because I’m a thicko SAHM, but I don’t understand all the angst here! If someone has offered childcare without specific dates and times, why not just contact them and ask if they can do the times you need?? A breezy “you kindly offered to look after DS during the holidays. Do these days work for you?” will do. If their offer was insincere, they can just say no. At least then you’ll know.

For what it’s worth, I’d be happy to to look after friends children during the school holidays, but I don’t read minds or have access to their calendars, so I’d expect to be asked for specific dates and times.

goodness...how are people supposed to make arrangements to have someone elses children in advance when they prob dont know what they will be doing themselves yet

Yeah I think my SAHM lack of intelligence is causing me some issues here too.
I offer to have people’s children. I then expect them to ask me for particular times/days, as I have no idea when they actually need childcare! Am I so thick that I’m doing this all wrong?

I think people are being a bit mean. I would have no intention of providing full time childcare over the holidays but would be more than happy to take someone's child for a few days of the holiday. Maybe once every two weeks. If there were a few other people who were prepared to do this too it could end up saving OP hundreds of pounds. It's also not really too much of a problem to have one extra child occasionally (every day would be a big deal) nice for my DC to have friends over.

It may just be because I’m a thicko SAHM, but I don’t understand all the angst here! If someone has offered childcare without specific dates and times, why not just contact them and ask if they can do the times you need??

Because lots of other people have said they'd find this presumptuous and cheeky.

Lots of people haven’t said that. Some of us have, some of us haven’t.

If I've offered, I would expect someone to then ask me. I'm not going to chase someone in order to do them a favour.

When I say things like we will have to get the kids together over the summer, or arrange a play date it's exactly that, chance for the kids to play. At the moment I don't know what I will be doing week by week or day by day at some point I will arrange for friends to play. If someone wanted to set a specific date with times now, 2 months in advance I wouldn't be interested.

Lweji I think you have the right idea of give and take.
I would help anyone out as an emergency if DC were to sick for nursery.
Dsis rarely needs this, it is no issue, I think it is the booking works in advance would put me off.
DS was only a month in preschool, A DM I barely knew asked if I could collect her DD at pick up to mine for an hour, all her family were in Poland, she was upset, I was initially happy to help, I felt like an abductor collecting the l.o, the DM turned up after 3 hours and stayed an hour.
I said no the next time, now she ignores me.

I would expect to be asked. Ive told a relative I'm not close to, that I'd be happy to have her child for the odd days if she is stuck in the school holidays and she hasn't taken me up on it. I reiterated it when I saw her recently. I think it would be a bit pushy if I go on to then message and ask. Awkward if she doesn't want me to.

If there were a few other people who were prepared to do this too it could end up saving OP hundreds of pounds

My friend is an architect. If she’d offered to give up a few hours of her time to draw up plans for our extension, then she’d have saved us thousands of pounds. But would it have been unbelievably cheeky to ask her? Too right it would. And why is that any different from her asking me to look after her son for several days over the holidays?

The world is so mean spirited now! Asking for a favour when you need help isn’t CF, especially if the person has offered anyway. When I was doing this last year I just sent a message saying I’m organising childcare for the holidays, you said you wouldn’t mind helping a couple of days - the days we’re still needing to book something for are xyz, if you would be able to do one of those that would be great, don’t worry if not though I’ll just book him into holiday club.

Oh and everyone exclaiming over the ‘weeks’ of help, I would imagine that’s family not friends. Lots of grandparents will have their grandkids for a week in the summer holidays (although I know on mumsnet it’s seen as CF to ‘expect’ your parents to help/spend time with their grandkids!)
I’m pretty generous with childcare, I quite like having more kids to entertain mine, bonus point if there’s 2 kids the same age as mine so mine can stop bickering and play with someone else, but even I wouldn’t have a friend’s kid for a week!