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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be pissed off over this...

171 replies

DudeHesRaggingOnYourCord · 08/06/2019 18:16

Genuinely unsure whether I’m being unreasonable to be pissed off about this, or if hormones are just being annoying little shits at the moment.. so thought I’d put it to the lovely people of MN to be my deciders!

Currently 27 weeks pregnant with DC3, and have had horrible cramps for about 4-5 days now, some days the cramps have coincided with diarrhoea (sorry tmi), but not often. I’ve been telling DH all week that I’ve been struggling with on/off tummy troubles, so he is aware of how long this has been going on for.

This morning, I woke up in absolute agony. The pressure in my lower back/top of my arse is immense, the intermittent cramping has seriously ramped up and even walking at a slow place is hurting me. Still though, I got up, went food shopping while DH stayed home with the DC’s, feeling incredibly faint the whole way round the supermarket. Got home, unpacked the shopping, hoovered the front room and packed away toys.. then DH took eldest DC out for an hour whilst I wriggled and squirmed on the sofa trying desperately to find a position that didn’t irritate my back further - it’s worth adding that he didn’t disappear with DC1 to give me a break, DC2 was still at home with me and the only reason he went out was because DC wouldn’t stop pestering him to go outside, otherwise he would’ve quite happily and easily not moved from the sofa all day.

Once they got back, I tidied/cleared up in the DC’s bedrooms, emptied bins, cleared the sides in the kitchen, put a wash on before finally feeling like things were getting too much pain wise, and crawled on to the sofa and laid hunched over in agony. I asked DH if he knew if we had any painkillers laying around that were safe for me to take, to which he responded that we don’t have any left... now here, I was half expecting him to ask me if I wanted him to pop out and grab some, seeing as how uncomfortable I clearly was.. but nope. He just continued sitting on the sofa, staring at his phone.

I gave up trying to get myself comfortable in the front room after a while, so got on to our bed and laid there for about half hour, hoping stretching out would do me some good.. it didn’t. 5pm was drawing closer and DH hadn’t started to make any dinner for us or the DC’s, the washing was finished in the machine and ready to be hung out, the sink was still full of dishes from the day before, just nothing being done whatsoever.

Noticing the time, I got up, put DC’s dinner in the oven, did the washing up and told DH I was going to the shop to grab some paracetamol. I mentioned it would’ve been nice for him to have acknowledged how much pain I’m in, and for him to have dealt with the kitchen/laundry/dinners today and perhaps offered to grab some painkillers for me (we have a million and one shops all within a 2 minute walk of our house). He said nothing again, just kept playing on his phone.

Once I was back from the shops, I started unloading the washing machine, folding up the dry stuff that was on the drier, and hanging out the wet washing. DH came out to the kitchen to grab the DC’s food, and didn’t even bother to ask me if I’d like him to take over with the washing, or offer to make our dinner so I didn’t have to do it.

Aibu to think that, particularly whilst pregnant, if someone says that they’re in a great deal pain, you don’t just sit on your arse and watch them struggle whilst they do everything, not offering to lighten their load or telling them to just sit down and rest?

(Ps: Regarding the pain, I have contacted my MW and while she’s yet to get back to me, I’m starting to suspect it could be a UTI, so if I’m still in pain tomorrow morning, I’ll head to MAU to get checked out!)

OP posts:
qj17 · 08/06/2019 18:20

You need to tell him to pull his finger out and help. Don't exert yourself some of these chores can wait.

Beebeezed · 08/06/2019 18:20

YANBU. Really lazy and uncaring of your DH. Is he annoyed at you or something? Is this out of character?

PurpleDaisies · 08/06/2019 18:24

He’s not been very helpful, but why on earth aren’t you telling him what needs doing and asking him to get you painkillers instead of waiting for him to realise? It sounds like you’re being a bit of a martyr about it.

Hope you feel better soon.

Bluerussian · 08/06/2019 18:24

Very inconsiderate of him, some men just don't think.
I'm concerned about your pain. If it persists, call your doctor or the antenatal clinic.

ThePerturbedPenguin · 08/06/2019 18:24

I know he’s being a lazy shit but why the hell are you doing all these chores and not telling him you can’t so he’ll have to? It’s very martyr-ish and I don’t get it

justasking111 · 08/06/2019 18:28

Just tell him men are not intuitive, they need CAPITAL LETTER instructions.

Runkle · 08/06/2019 18:28

Yes he's being lazy and thoughtless but don't be such a flipping martyr! ! All you needed to say was 'I'm putting my feet up today because I have x pain, would you do y and z please and pass me the painkillers?' and you or he could have done an online shop? Or is there some massive back story here..?

Bambamber · 08/06/2019 18:31

Why are you doing it all? Of course he is going to just sit on his lazy behind, because you will apparently run around doing everything without so much as a word.

Juniperjunojunijune · 08/06/2019 18:35

I agree that you should stop being a martyr. If my DH wasn't acting on his own initiative and doing what needed doing I'd be telling him very bluntly to get off his arse and do the jobs. I'd have told him to take the second child out too. I'd have told him to get me painkillers and told him to be more considerate. Being a martyr and just getting on with it while in pain is just going to result in him thinking you're alright and leaving you to get on with it.

HouseOfGingerbread · 08/06/2019 18:37

Ah joy, even if you're not well, you still have to take on the mental load of telling him what to do or you're just a martyr. FFS.

He's being a knob.

Kittykat93 · 08/06/2019 18:38

Like others have said, by acting the martyr and running round doing all the jobs in-between being lay in agony whilst he does nothing, you're letting him get away with his behaviour. You're pregnant and in pain, he needs to pull himself together and move his arse. Just tell him, stop with the hinting as he clearly isn't getting it

Magnificentbeast · 08/06/2019 18:38

I feel for you OP but it sounds as if he needs you to tell him what needs doing.

He is being thoughtless but it's the old "you should've said" situation from his point of view.

I hope you have a chance to rest.,

TheDeflector · 08/06/2019 18:38

Christ. Sorry but you're a massive martyr. Just don't do it all.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/06/2019 18:39

Just tell him men are not intuitive, they need CAPITAL LETTER instructions.

Have to disagree here that men are perfectly capable of seeing chores needing to be done and working out that sinks filled with pots need to be emptied. He's old enough to be married and have fathered a couple of DC, so he's clearly competent enough to notice stuff like this, but chooses not to and leaves OP to deal with it.

OP you need to read him the riot act; he's being lazy and needs a kick up the arse. The whole "men need instructions" is a myth perpetuated that enables men to continue in their lazy, wanky ways, and needs to be challenged.

Oysterbabe · 08/06/2019 18:40

It shouldn't be necessary but you need to speak up and ask him to do things.

madcatladyforever · 08/06/2019 18:41

You need to stop hoping he will do all this stuff and just tell him straight he's doing it. Personally I'd have gone up to bd and stayed there all day and the house could go to hell for all I care.
Learn to be both selfish and demanding or nobody will help.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 08/06/2019 18:42

Ignoring everything else, OP I think you need to go and be checked out. Like tonight.

GreenTulips · 08/06/2019 18:43

If you are ok tomorrow go to a friends or parents for a long lie down

Text DH his chore list (it helps) and say you’ll be back to a full cooked dinner at 6

steppemum · 08/06/2019 18:44

It shouldn't be necessary and he is being an arse.

BUT I would have been speaking out - no painkillers - dh I am in pain, you need to go to the shop and get painkillers.
When he gets back - dh I cannot do dinners, you need to cook, and sort out the washing in the machine, bloody well get off your phone and man up.

Then I would have gone upstairs and left him to it.

By the way, I would be going to A& E in that much pain at 27 weeks pregnant.

DudeHesRaggingOnYourCord · 08/06/2019 18:45

The thing is, he knows I'm in pain... he's huffed and puffed over the washing up not having been done all day, he's completely and utterly aware that these things need doing... I shouldn't have to spell it out to a fully grown man that dinner needs to be made and washing needs to be put out.
I don't need those kind of pointers, so why should he? I don't buy in to the whole 'men don't realise these things need doing and need the woman to remind them', I call bullshit as im sure he'd wash his own stuff up and make himself dinner if he lived alone.

OP posts:
RandomAmanda · 08/06/2019 18:47

Yanbu OP, sorry you're having such a difficult pregnancy Flowers You've given me flashbacks to heavily pregnant me, on my knees scrubbing the kitchen floor while Arsehole H gazes lovingly at his phone. Also, while pregnant I couldn't pick up after the dogs. So I had ten months of poo to welcome me and DS home from the ICU.

Quartz2208 · 08/06/2019 18:48

then tell him that OP he sounds awful at the moment

ChristmasFluff · 08/06/2019 18:49

I'm with @ILoveMaxiBondi - these were my early labour pains. Please get checked

And what is the point of your husband?xx

Isatis · 08/06/2019 18:53

Your DH was being a total arsehole. But seriously, why on earth did you do all that? Would it really have done any harm for you to leave the toys out and the floor uncovered and just gone to bed?

Isatis · 08/06/2019 18:53

Unhoovered, not uncovered

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