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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be pissed off over this...

171 replies

DudeHesRaggingOnYourCord · 08/06/2019 18:16

Genuinely unsure whether I’m being unreasonable to be pissed off about this, or if hormones are just being annoying little shits at the moment.. so thought I’d put it to the lovely people of MN to be my deciders!

Currently 27 weeks pregnant with DC3, and have had horrible cramps for about 4-5 days now, some days the cramps have coincided with diarrhoea (sorry tmi), but not often. I’ve been telling DH all week that I’ve been struggling with on/off tummy troubles, so he is aware of how long this has been going on for.

This morning, I woke up in absolute agony. The pressure in my lower back/top of my arse is immense, the intermittent cramping has seriously ramped up and even walking at a slow place is hurting me. Still though, I got up, went food shopping while DH stayed home with the DC’s, feeling incredibly faint the whole way round the supermarket. Got home, unpacked the shopping, hoovered the front room and packed away toys.. then DH took eldest DC out for an hour whilst I wriggled and squirmed on the sofa trying desperately to find a position that didn’t irritate my back further - it’s worth adding that he didn’t disappear with DC1 to give me a break, DC2 was still at home with me and the only reason he went out was because DC wouldn’t stop pestering him to go outside, otherwise he would’ve quite happily and easily not moved from the sofa all day.

Once they got back, I tidied/cleared up in the DC’s bedrooms, emptied bins, cleared the sides in the kitchen, put a wash on before finally feeling like things were getting too much pain wise, and crawled on to the sofa and laid hunched over in agony. I asked DH if he knew if we had any painkillers laying around that were safe for me to take, to which he responded that we don’t have any left... now here, I was half expecting him to ask me if I wanted him to pop out and grab some, seeing as how uncomfortable I clearly was.. but nope. He just continued sitting on the sofa, staring at his phone.

I gave up trying to get myself comfortable in the front room after a while, so got on to our bed and laid there for about half hour, hoping stretching out would do me some good.. it didn’t. 5pm was drawing closer and DH hadn’t started to make any dinner for us or the DC’s, the washing was finished in the machine and ready to be hung out, the sink was still full of dishes from the day before, just nothing being done whatsoever.

Noticing the time, I got up, put DC’s dinner in the oven, did the washing up and told DH I was going to the shop to grab some paracetamol. I mentioned it would’ve been nice for him to have acknowledged how much pain I’m in, and for him to have dealt with the kitchen/laundry/dinners today and perhaps offered to grab some painkillers for me (we have a million and one shops all within a 2 minute walk of our house). He said nothing again, just kept playing on his phone.

Once I was back from the shops, I started unloading the washing machine, folding up the dry stuff that was on the drier, and hanging out the wet washing. DH came out to the kitchen to grab the DC’s food, and didn’t even bother to ask me if I’d like him to take over with the washing, or offer to make our dinner so I didn’t have to do it.

Aibu to think that, particularly whilst pregnant, if someone says that they’re in a great deal pain, you don’t just sit on your arse and watch them struggle whilst they do everything, not offering to lighten their load or telling them to just sit down and rest?

(Ps: Regarding the pain, I have contacted my MW and while she’s yet to get back to me, I’m starting to suspect it could be a UTI, so if I’m still in pain tomorrow morning, I’ll head to MAU to get checked out!)

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 08/06/2019 20:33

Phone the MAU. Not worth the risk.

Stop doing jobs. He will never do them as he knows if he sits on his ass long enough you will do them.

Be clear with him. You are in pain. Tell him to take the dc out tomorrow for a few hours and leave you alone. When he comes home he can finish the cleaning.

If he moans summon up the energy to kick him in the balls. Hard.

But do phone the MAU just in case x

EAIOU · 08/06/2019 20:34

Hope you're ok OP!

GabsAlot · 08/06/2019 20:35

Why are u still doing everything-was he always like this have you only noticed now because youre in pain

Hope you feel better

CatkinToadflax · 08/06/2019 20:40

Please get yourself checked out asap OP. I went into labour at 24 weeks with DS1 and my symptoms were very similar to what you've described. By the time I was diagnosed no thanks to the fuckwit registrar who didn't bother to examine me and told me to stop wasting his time it was too late to stop labour. You might be absolutely right that it's a UTI or similar, but please do make sure. Flowers

Marmozet · 08/06/2019 20:47

That sounds like another man who is used to a woman doing everything for him.

Like others have said get yourself checked out ASAP. You and your baby are more important than the household chores, leave it to build up so he has to do it.

ememem84 · 08/06/2019 21:00

Absolutely get yourself checked out ASAP.

I do feel your stress though. 33 weeks here still doing the majority of the chores. I have to keep reminding dh that I physically can’t do some things.

He wanted me to help him move a wardrobe today. Nope.

whatthehe11 · 08/06/2019 21:04

Do not wait for your midwife to get back to you. If she is anything like the useless one I had she won't. I had similar symptoms and went into early labour, get checked ASAP - do not worry about wasting people's time / false alarm / overreacting. Better to be safe.

BrendasUmbrella · 08/06/2019 21:12

He knows, because it's evidently true, that if he checks out mentally you'll be a martyr and do everything. I don't know why you even got out of bed. Your dc's other parent was there to do what needed doing.

I asked DH if he knew if we had any painkillers laying around that were safe for me to take, to which he responded that we don’t have any left... now here, I was half expecting him to ask me if I wanted him to pop out and grab some, seeing as how uncomfortable I clearly was.. but nope.

At which point you should have asked him to go and buy you some painkillers. Stop being a martyr. You need to speak to someone about the pain, and you need to tell the adult you live with that it's time he acted like an adult. He sounds like a reluctant teenage babysitter.

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 08/06/2019 21:26

As long as you keep doing things he won’t have to. And how can he understand how bad it is if you are up and acting as if you can manage. Go to bed and stay there until you feel better. He’ll cope, he might not do things your way but they will get done.

Flyingkites123 · 09/06/2019 00:29

Sorry not read all the responses of others so this may have already been said... If you suspect you've got a uti go and get it checked out ASAP. I went into labour at 34w4d and they said it was most likely caused by a uti I didn't know I had. 4 days before I was off sick with diarrhoea. I was convinced it was baby related but everyone thought it was in my head. You know you're body best, go with your Insticts. Sorry if I'm scare mongering here, it's probably nothing but just in case... It will only take an hour or so to pop into triage. And may be a nice break for you too by the sounds of it xx

Does your hubby think it's 1900?? You're not his housemaid tell him to pull his finger out and get something done.

Yeahnahmum · 09/06/2019 01:15

1 get yourself checked out
2 stop. doing. all. these. things
3 spell out to your husband what he needs to do.

HalyardHitch · 09/06/2019 01:24

Hope you're ok op

Graphista · 09/06/2019 01:26

He's a father of 2 already he shouldn't need bloody told!

Get to a&e or emergency maternity services ASAP, ridiculous you haven't already done so.

Once whatever is causing the pain is sorted

Send him:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/

medium.com/@wyattegates/you-should-have-asked-c3ef6775418d

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

That said op - is this actually new behaviour or is he normally lazy, thoughtless and selfish? In which case it beggars belief that you're now pregnant with no 3!

Yes he should be ashamed that he's so lazy, but you have some responsibility in continuing to have children with him.

"he's huffed and puffed over the washing up not having been done all day, he's completely and utterly aware that these things need doing..." Is he FUCK "unaware" he simply sees it as your job and beneath him!

Has he ever lived alone or in a houseshare?

Sadly deadbeat dads aren't always nrps! This one needs a rocket under his arse!

CJsGoldfish · 09/06/2019 03:29

What did he say to you when you told him you needed him to go to the supermarket? Did he outright refuse because I would have lost my shit at that point.

Of course he shouldn't need to be told with all the other stuff, that goes without saying, but why would you do things that hurt you just to make a point. Stop being a martyr and take care of YOU.
He sounds pretty useless, is this a new thing?

femfemlicious · 09/06/2019 04:14

Why do women keep on having children with these horrible men. I just don't understand itSad

Yinyen · 09/06/2019 04:19

hope you're ok.

marmiteontoastplz · 09/06/2019 04:27

What a selfish pig. I don't think you are a martyr.. these things need doing and if he's anything like my Dh he wouldn't notice or care if they weren't done. Hope you feel better soon.. my 2nd labour also started like this ! X

chamenanged · 09/06/2019 05:44

To be completely honest if my DP told me he was 'in agony' with back pain then went shopping and hoovered and tidied kids' bedrooms I'd think it couldn't be that bad Confused I don't understand why you'd do all that non-essential stuff in such pain at 27 weeks pregnant! Sounds like a major communication issue between you two. Him huffing about the pots not being done is just bizarre, as is you doing all those tasks that could easily wait while you're (possibly dangerously) poorly.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 09/06/2019 05:50

So the partner is an asshole but somehow it's still the woman's fault for not fixing him?

MarthasGinYard · 09/06/2019 06:17

Sorry but you sound a bit of a Martyr

He sounds like a bone idle shit and I wouldn't personally wish to carry on pro creating with him.

However, if you are in 'agony' then surely you wouldn't be cleaning and nipping to the shops

blackcat86 · 09/06/2019 06:27

Why are you still debating what to do? You're mother of soon to be 3 so you know you should be calling the MAU or going to A&E. As people have said you are really coming across as someone in that much pain if you're rushing about. Perhaps consider some counselling to see where this comes from. I realised I was having to pretend all was well when I felt like shit at the end of my pregnancy because MIL was obsessed with how pregnant women shouldnt cause a fuss and how women used to just 'squat down in a field'. Don't out yourself in that position. Look after yourself and your baby. Have you got family or friend who can come and support you?

NoSauce · 09/06/2019 06:34

You need to stop being a martyr. Get yourself checked out and then get in the sofa. You won’t win any medals for doing everything you’ve done. All it does is let your husband think that you’re actually not in that much pain.

GPatz · 09/06/2019 07:23

You can either be a martyr or a nag OP. Your choice.

DudeHesRaggingOnYourCord · 09/06/2019 08:19

I don't personally think I was being a martyr - in pain or not, the things I did yesterday needed to be done and wouldn't have been done had it not been for me.

For example - the morning trip to the shops. DH got up to make breakfast, I heard him moan about there being no milk.. he didn't then choose to get dressed and pop out to pick up the few little bits we needed, he just had toast instead of cereal and sat in the front room with the DC's.

The hoovering - the lounge floor was littered with mess from the DC's breakfast and DH wouldn't have thought to hoover it up. So I did. This links back to me feeling like I shouldn't HAVE to tell him these things. As someone posted in a link earlier, I'm not the household manager...

With regards to dinner... he apparently didn't notice the time as he 'wasn't clock watching' so didn't get round to putting anything on. Well, it's a bloody good job I didn't use that as my excuse too otherwise the DC's would have gone hungry because their adult parent can't keep check of time.

He doesn't seem to give a shit how much pain I was in yesterday, I did ask him last night for future reference just how much pain id have to be in for him to come to me and tell me to sit down and rest, and he'll take over with the chores, he'll get me painkillers and bring me tea etc.... but he didn't respond. Typically.

I didn't end up ringing MAU as I knew their first port of call would be to tell me to take some paracetamol and lay down for a while to see if that eases the pain. Well I did that, and by 10pm (ish) the pain was starting to ease, though I was still in a great deal of discomfort. I have no burning sensation that's typical of cystitis uti, but I'm not peeing anywhere near as much as I should be, so I think I must have some form of uti as the pain in my back and the dull ache around my kidney area feels similar to a UTI I got last time I was pregnant.

Will be phoning MAU once DH gets up and will take myself round to get my urine checked.

OP posts:
AllyBamma · 09/06/2019 08:21

Of course you should have to tell him to do these things but what’s the alternative? You end up doing it all yourself, in pain. Therefore, martyr.

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