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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be pissed off over this...

171 replies

DudeHesRaggingOnYourCord · 08/06/2019 18:16

Genuinely unsure whether I’m being unreasonable to be pissed off about this, or if hormones are just being annoying little shits at the moment.. so thought I’d put it to the lovely people of MN to be my deciders!

Currently 27 weeks pregnant with DC3, and have had horrible cramps for about 4-5 days now, some days the cramps have coincided with diarrhoea (sorry tmi), but not often. I’ve been telling DH all week that I’ve been struggling with on/off tummy troubles, so he is aware of how long this has been going on for.

This morning, I woke up in absolute agony. The pressure in my lower back/top of my arse is immense, the intermittent cramping has seriously ramped up and even walking at a slow place is hurting me. Still though, I got up, went food shopping while DH stayed home with the DC’s, feeling incredibly faint the whole way round the supermarket. Got home, unpacked the shopping, hoovered the front room and packed away toys.. then DH took eldest DC out for an hour whilst I wriggled and squirmed on the sofa trying desperately to find a position that didn’t irritate my back further - it’s worth adding that he didn’t disappear with DC1 to give me a break, DC2 was still at home with me and the only reason he went out was because DC wouldn’t stop pestering him to go outside, otherwise he would’ve quite happily and easily not moved from the sofa all day.

Once they got back, I tidied/cleared up in the DC’s bedrooms, emptied bins, cleared the sides in the kitchen, put a wash on before finally feeling like things were getting too much pain wise, and crawled on to the sofa and laid hunched over in agony. I asked DH if he knew if we had any painkillers laying around that were safe for me to take, to which he responded that we don’t have any left... now here, I was half expecting him to ask me if I wanted him to pop out and grab some, seeing as how uncomfortable I clearly was.. but nope. He just continued sitting on the sofa, staring at his phone.

I gave up trying to get myself comfortable in the front room after a while, so got on to our bed and laid there for about half hour, hoping stretching out would do me some good.. it didn’t. 5pm was drawing closer and DH hadn’t started to make any dinner for us or the DC’s, the washing was finished in the machine and ready to be hung out, the sink was still full of dishes from the day before, just nothing being done whatsoever.

Noticing the time, I got up, put DC’s dinner in the oven, did the washing up and told DH I was going to the shop to grab some paracetamol. I mentioned it would’ve been nice for him to have acknowledged how much pain I’m in, and for him to have dealt with the kitchen/laundry/dinners today and perhaps offered to grab some painkillers for me (we have a million and one shops all within a 2 minute walk of our house). He said nothing again, just kept playing on his phone.

Once I was back from the shops, I started unloading the washing machine, folding up the dry stuff that was on the drier, and hanging out the wet washing. DH came out to the kitchen to grab the DC’s food, and didn’t even bother to ask me if I’d like him to take over with the washing, or offer to make our dinner so I didn’t have to do it.

Aibu to think that, particularly whilst pregnant, if someone says that they’re in a great deal pain, you don’t just sit on your arse and watch them struggle whilst they do everything, not offering to lighten their load or telling them to just sit down and rest?

(Ps: Regarding the pain, I have contacted my MW and while she’s yet to get back to me, I’m starting to suspect it could be a UTI, so if I’m still in pain tomorrow morning, I’ll head to MAU to get checked out!)

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/06/2019 08:30

I don't personally think I was being a martyr - in pain or not, the things I did yesterday needed to be done and wouldn't have been done had it not been for me.

But you were being a martyr! The second part of this sentence shows exactly that. You should have said "X Y & Z need doing and I am into much pain to do it." By carrying on you are giving the impression that you are actually fine, just have a few niggles.

NoSauce · 09/06/2019 08:35

Why aren’t you telling the lazy arse to hoover the lounge or get to the shop instead of being a martyr ( sorry but you are ) and doing it yourself?

Can’t you see how your behaviour is enabling his?

motherofcats81 · 09/06/2019 09:07

OP you are absolutely right you aren't the household manager, I am a big believer in (and rejecter of) the mental load but the point is you are doing it instead, without complaint to your DP! I agree with PPs that the second part of your sentence "in pain or not, these things wouldn't have been done if it wasn't for me" - is martyrdom writ large.

If the floor isn't hoovered, it doesn't matter. Blimey I'm 15 weeks pregnant and I'm doing way less than you. You are totally right that you don't want to get into directing your DP all the time but an intervention where you pull him up on not pulling his weight, or saying when he huffs and puffs about the dishes "why do you think it's my job ?" is not the same thing.

cccameron · 09/06/2019 09:23

Those jobs don't need to be done, you want them done but if they don't get done today it's no big deal. And instead of going to the shop in pain and feeling faint why didn't you just say 'DH you need to go and get milk I'm in absolute agony' instead of struggling yourself.
You need to start looking after yourself. You've been in pain now for 5 days, there's no way in hell that I would not have seen a Dr by now if I was 27 weeks pregnant.
Your DH just sounds like a complete twat. Irrespective of the housework has he actually shown you any concern for the pain you are in? It doesn't sound like it which is absolutely shocking.

Fundays12 · 09/06/2019 10:15

You shouldn’t have to tell him as he should be doing much more around the house but you clearly do have to tell him as it sounds like he is doing nothing which isn’t fair on you.

I am heavily pregnant with my 3rd and dh does things around the house without being asked like emptying the dishwasher, hoovering downstairs etc but I have had to tell him recently to do other things such as empty the recycling bin. He is just so used to these things being done because I only work one day a week he doesn’t think to do them.

I just am not physically able to do certain things I would just normally do or keeping well enough to do them. I honestly don’t think men understand how difficult being pregnant can make certain things to do plus how unwell it can make you. It’s not an excuse for him as he should be wanting to help you but growing a baby is much harder work than most people realise until they do it.

I hope you feel better soon. Once you have been checked get yourself home and into bed for a rest.

Whisky2014 · 09/06/2019 10:19

I don't personally think I was being a martyr - in pain or not, the things I did yesterday needed to be done and wouldn't have been done had it not been for me

Martyr, martyr, martyr

yellowgreenbluepurple · 09/06/2019 10:34

I'm 27 weeks pregnant OP. If I need help I ask for it, my husband has done the full shop this week, he does all the washing because I'm really struggling to bend down to put things in and out of the machine. He hoovers, he does the dishwasher, he empties the bins, he entertains our child, he walks the dogs, he does the litter tray. Does he always do this without me asking - no, if he doesn't help with something do I just do it and end up in more pain - no I ask for help and tell him not to be selfish.

Obviously your husband should be doing more, and he shouldn't need telling but it seems like the alternative is you do everything, which clearly isn't working.

OhioOhioOhio · 09/06/2019 10:38

My stbxh enjoyed behaving like that to me. Eventually I realised he was abusive. He worked hard to keep me down.

DudeHesRaggingOnYourCord · 09/06/2019 10:44

Well DH has just woken up, made himself breakfast and a coffee, came in to the front room without having asked me if I'd like a drink or even bothered to make one for me. I asked him if he'd made one for me, he said no, apparently the kettle still felt warm so he assumed I had one on the table (the last time I boiled the kettle was over 3 hours ago.... Hmm), I said it would've been nice to have been asked if I had one/would've liked one, he frantically stood up, stormed off to the kitchen, crashed and banged the fridge door, threw the tea spoon against the counter and came back in with a coffee for me.... I told him I need to go to the out of hours gp at the hospital soon and he said nothing... so looks like we're off to good start this morning!

(I phoned MAU and they've told me to call 111 and arrange an out of hours gp appt to get my urine checked.)

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 09/06/2019 11:12

Why are you just putting up with this? You don’t have to. Can you afford a cab? So you can tel him to fuck off you will look after this baby seeing as he doesn’t give a shit and you will tell the midwife you have no support at home so they know when working out what care you need?

motherofcats81 · 09/06/2019 11:17

Christ, he sounds like an absolute knob OP. Does he not care there could be something wrong with the mother of his child or that you are in pain?

I agree not a lot of people particularly men get how pregnancy makes you feel. You might want to show him this!

"The research, by Duke University, also showed pregnant women were endurance specialists, living at nearly the limit of what the human body can cope with."

www.bbc.com/news/health-48527798

Goodmoaning1980 · 09/06/2019 11:19

Stop being a Marta and bloody tell him what you want doing. I have to do this with my hubby. They have absolutely no comen sense, and no empathy, cant multitask. The sooner you do it the less angry you will be and the less confused he will be. All men are bloody hopeless, it's why there are very few single dad parents in the animal kingdom.

DudeHesRaggingOnYourCord · 09/06/2019 11:28

So I phoned 111 and explained that the ante natal triage had advised me to contact them regarding getting an out of hours gp appt to check my urine...

I told them I'd been experiencing menstrual type cramps all week, with intermittent diarrhoea, followed by a bad lower back ache yesterday and painful cramps, the woman put me on hold whilst she spoke to a doctor and they're sending an ambulance out Hmm I told the woman that that felt a little extreme given that while I'm in pain today, it isn't a patch on what I felt yesterday and i really think all I need is my urine tested... she said what I've described doesn't sound like a UTI (even though that's what it feels like to me) and they'd rather err on the side of caution and get someone out to look at me than just leave me.

So, waiting for an ambulance now which i feel is a massive waste of their time and resources, but I guess we'll see!

OP posts:
Graphista · 09/06/2019 11:29

He's not just lazy and useless he's outright abusive. You'd be better off without him op.

Certainly don't be having any more DC with him!

And tell your midwife and other support people ASAP. You don't have to put up with this.

Graphista · 09/06/2019 11:32

Well it doesn't sound like a typical uti and several pps have pointed this out.

I for one have to say I think it's a good thing they're sending ah ambulance.

Your man is going to have to step up and look after other DC.

femfemlicious · 09/06/2019 11:38

I really hope they keep you in at least overnight so you can get some time off. Just rest!.

Peridot1 · 09/06/2019 11:42

I hope you are ok and it is just a uti.

I get that you shouldn’t have to tell him what needs doing but he has just proved that you do. It’s all well and good saying we shouldn’t have to tell men the obvious but years of experience has shown me that with lots of them we do. Good bad or wrong their brains are wired differently in some ways. We can argue against it with our logic but experience shows otherwise. Not all men but a definite large number.

Not sure if it is nature or nurture but it is a thing. And you can fight against it or manage it. You shouldn’t have to but there it is.
So you need a different approach.

Ask him to do things. Spell it out. You need his help and he needs to learn to give it.

DudeHesRaggingOnYourCord · 09/06/2019 11:42

I'm not sure what's going to happen exactly..
I genuinely feel like all I need is my urine tested, this feels like a huge over exaggeration if I'm being honest. I imagine they're going to turn up, see that I'm mostly fine, and then bugger off without testing my urine.

I wish they'd just let me pop to the out of hours gp myself! We only live a 10 minute walk from the hospital, I could've been there, tested and home again by now.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 09/06/2019 11:48

111 once sent an ambulance for my son when I thought he had a chest infection (even though I told 111 it was unnecessary). The paramedics were able to make an out of hours GO appointment for me. Hopefully they will do the same for you.

Graphista · 09/06/2019 11:49

Hope everything is ok but you do need properly checked out.

theworldistoosmall · 09/06/2019 11:54

Enjoy the break in hospital and let the waste of space step up and be a parent.

Has he always been a useless person?

poopypants · 09/06/2019 12:02

Why are you doing stuff? More than half the list you could have just left. Honestly, most men would look perplexed and just assume that if you were doing all that stuff, then You felt up to it and chose to do it. Don't martyr yourself and then get pissy. Men can't read minds. Just lie down abs tell him what you need

DudeHesRaggingOnYourCord · 09/06/2019 12:02

Just had a call from the lady in the ambulance, explained my situation to her and she doesn't think it's necessary that I'm whisked off to hospital and she agreed with me that it does sound like a UTI.
She's going to speak to 111 and get them to contact me... so I now assume I'm going to be called back, and an out of hours appt will be made, which is what I wanted to happen over an hour ago Envy

OP posts:
ememem84 · 09/06/2019 12:02

Glad you’re getting seen and I do seriously hope it’s “just” an uti and that the ambulance is a massive waste of time and resources.

But better safe than sorry

If dh does end up there with you maybe ask dr midwife whoever to have a word and explain how you need him to step up.

PeoniesarePink · 09/06/2019 12:14

You are enabling him to behave like this. And being brutally honest, he can't love you let alone like you to be treating a woman carrying his child like this.

I know you need to sort your health out first, but you've made a really big mistake having kids with someone who treats you with such contempt. And don't make the classic mistake of thinking he will change.... when people show you who they really are, believe them. Your only choice now is to shut up and put up; or find a better way of living.

I hope you and your baby are ok Flowers

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