DH and I have been told we aren’t doing enough - AWBU?

[NaviSprite]

Name changed as could be outing.

DH and I have twin toddlers at 19mo. They are a handful and a half to manage but we do our best. General day goes as follows:

8am Twins wake - we change nappies and clothes, give them water to drink and morning snack then let them play in their room together (room is secure with little to no risk of injuries)

9.30am Proper breakfast downstairs in high chairs. I either eat with them or read to them during this period.

10-11am play downstairs, a bit of Hey Duggee on the television if I’m feeling particularly knackered. Nappy changes and and when required for the rest of the day.

11am-3pm Bottles (for nutritional supplement). Then they take their one long nap of the day (they are still low weight following premature birth so sleep a heck of a lot. HV doesn’t think this is a concern). I use this time to do what housework I can during the week and DH chips in at the weekends. Usually I manage the most important jobs (clothes washing/drying, pots, sweeping and mopping floors, general cleaning of the areas they like to make as messy as possible haha)

3pm They wake. I take them another drink of water and snack in their room and get their dinner ready. If DH is home he will play with them in their room, if I’m alone I will alternate between sorting dinner and playing in their room.

4pm Dinner served. We eat together.

5pm - 7pm they play downstairs roaming about with toys on offer for them to choose from. Might have a bit of Tele on in the background. Water/Juice available as and when needed.

7pm Light snack

8pm Upstairs for bedtime routine. Asleep by 8.30/9pm and sleep through (generally) until morning.

Now here comes our AWBU - the above is our standard day at home. Things change a bit if the weather is nice and we can take them out of course (that’s like a military operation in of itself most times 😂). Today my PIL (DH’s parents of course) have visited and decided to tell us that we have no excuse for wires being in places DD and DS might grab them (we tidy them away as best we can and never leave them in the living room unattended) that the house is not as clean as it ought to be and we don’t do enough for the Twins to stimulate/exercise them.

When PIL visit the twins normal routine is often at the point where they’re winding down for the morning and due to go for their nap so they don’t SEE what we do for the rest of the day, nor do they think to ask. They just came straight down with their judgment of the situation.

To make matters worse, DH and I are currently grieving the loss of our third child, our second son, who was stillborn on the 25th of April this year. We are just about keeping our heads above water.

We have a lot of ongoing financial difficulties that we are just about managing but this adds stress too. Sometimes I have to leave the twins in their room a little longer than I would like so I can make some much needed phone calls and such....

It just feels like we’ve been told today that regardless of our “excuses” we need to do better... and we’re extremely upset by this. MIL cried when we defended our position because she didn’t think we’d react badly (we didn’t get aggressive we just didn’t appreciate their decision to say all this now!) and basically it’s left us feeling that we’re never good enough.

My mum and dad visit more regularly and they’ve never felt the need to judge our house and when I’m apologising for the mess (toys everywhere, pots not yet washed sometimes, or before I’ve been able to sweep up after a meal where half the contents were dropped on the floor etc.) they laugh and say don’t worry about it, it shows we have two very normal toddlers...

I guess I just want to know were we being unreasonable to be defensive as PIL said they only mentioned these things with their DC’s best interests at heart... or were they being unreasonable in their expectations of us?

Sorry for the long post - just feeling utterly exhausted at the moment and I fight my “mum guilt” a lot for already feeling like I should be able to do more for my lovely twins - so this has knocked my confidence and then some.

Have you thought that the parents with super tidy homes and unbelievable clean kids are actually doing it wrong?

Kids need messy play they need dirt!

I have twins and it’s hard because you are permantly exhausted and cut corners and feel the guilt

But their way isn’t better than yours,

If MIL complains about the mess give her the vacuum
If she says they aren’t doing enough - hand her th a baby bag and a the pushchair - wave as they leave

They treat you like this because you justify your actions rather than question theirs

Your DO did well!

OP-I am so sorry for your loss. Someone should tell your PIL that they have let you and their DGC down very badly-attacking their exhausted, grieving and vulnerable parents is NOT acting in the children's best interests. And your MIL especially needs informing that she is a total disgrace to be snivelling in self-pity in the circumstances. They need to know that they have failed everyone, regardless of their intentions.

You are doing brilliantly to be staying afloat with all you had to manage at present. Be kind to yourself, and don't spend time or energy with people who can't be kind to you.

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you! For a start, even just having toddler twins is full on and hardly conducive to being a neat freak. Our DV were born very close in age and it was controlled chaos in our home for at least the first 3-4 years. But you are having to carry on after such recent bereavement that would leave many of us unable to even get out of bed. And you went through another incredibly stressful upheaval of moving very recently too. Your PIL completely lack empathy and are totally out of touch with real feelings. I am glad that your DH is supportive though. It isn’t going to help you if we pile in and egg you on to have a major falling out with your PIL but I would suspend all visits from and to them for a few weeks if not months to give you a chance to continue dealing with your grief without their unhelpful and insensitive attitude.

PS; You really do not have to account for your daily routine. You are actually very amazing for doing as much as you do with all of what has been going on.

PIL are badly out of order. Let your DH tell them that and just how deeply you are suffering.

If they want to help perhaps they’d like to pay for a cleaner twice a week or a mother’s help? Sounds as if they could afford to.

But without doubt tell them how extremely upset you both are. They need to know.

You sound as if you are doing the very best you can and that’s good enough. This stage isn’t forever, it will all get a bit easier.

@saraclara and others who have mentioned home start. I will discuss it when I see HV next week as she knows me quite well at this point so if she feels it will be a benefit I’ll ask her to refer me.

If you're comfortable with her, maybe tell her what your PILs said. She might be a source of support and backup for you. Then you can tell the PIL's that you took their comment seriously and asked your HV for advice, and she said... (hopefully that there's no problem with how you're doing things)

NoIDont, it’s great if that works for you, but it has never worked like that for me. We had twins in a three-storey townhouse with the living room on the first floor. I was constantly going down to the kitchen to get drinks or check on dinner, or up to the bedrooms to grab nappies or do a quick job. Do you think it was practical for me to make two trips every time I went up and down the stairs, carrying my children with me? The living room was a safe base, as I imagine the bedroom is for the OP’s children.

Look, her children are safe, happy, loved, fed and well looked after. It’s really not a big deal if they’re spending a bit more time at home until the OP recovers from her birth and has a bit more time to grieve.

have twins and it’s hard because you are permantly exhausted and cut corners and feel the guilt

You have nothing to feel guilty for, this makes me feel sad.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP . Given those circumstances alone, your PIL should be far more understanding... You lost your child six weeks ago, they really shouldn’t be concerned about the way your house looks ffs.

My DM is similar though, she has no idea how to emotionally support anyone so she looks for practical ways to help I.e cleaning and bitching about my lack of cleaning as she goes. In future just tell them to clean if it’s bothering them so much... or don’t invite them round.

You sound like you’re doing a cracking job to me OP.

But at the moment if I even see a pregnant woman or parents with a little newborn it breaks my heart a bit more and that sets my head into a bit of a tailspin

This made me cry a little. I have felt this pain and anguish too, it’s pain nobody will quite understand unless they have experienced a loss. You’re not alone with this and I completely understand why you’d avoid leaving the house, I was the same for a fair while . Honestly, you’re doing a great job. Ignore your PIL’s, they’re unsupportive twats.

Just a point - the twins aren't "alone in their room" - they have each other to play with. Twins in my family were very self-contained even at that age, quite happy with just each others' company.

But I agree with the posters who say you shouldn't have to justify ANY of this - because you are doing the best you can at the moment, given your loss, and you are really doing a great job despite everything.

(((((hugs))))) x

Fucking hell. Just fucking hell.

Sorry for your loss - not that saying that even begins to do justice to the depth of that loss. How DARE your PIL. How dare they!!!!!!

Your day sounds excellent to me - and you know what else? You have twins - they play TOGETHER! The amount of social stimulation, energy and exercise/play they get is greatly enhanced because they have each other. It’s not even the same as one child; and I speak as someone whose baby plays with our dog when possible. Massively social and stimulating. You sound like an excellent mother and are doing a great job. PIL NEED TO FUCK OFF.

Cross post with PP - exactly my point!

Sorry for your sad loss.
It sounds as if it works for you. I would put my feet up when they sleep and try and unwind abit too. It’s ridiculous saying they spend too long in their room when it’s for their nap. Take care xx

They're completely unreasonable, but as a suggestion have you looked to see if there's any toddler stay and play groups running near you? There's a few near to us that run on mornings for a couple of hours and helps me as much as them with getting out of the house and making the day go quicker. If you don't feel up to it that's completely fine too though, I just find it's a less stressful place to be going with 2 toddlers as they're toddler friendly and lots of other mums there.
My second child was premature (28 weeks) and also slept a LOT compared to my others so the napping sounds normal to me, she was doing 3 hour naps until about 2 and still napping at nearly 3 for an hour +.

My twins are very happy and content because they have each other, I didn’t have to take them out socialising. It’s bloody hard work, your in laws are turds

*But at the moment if I even see a pregnant woman or parents with a little newborn it breaks my heart a bit more and that sets my head into a bit of a tailspin

This made me cry a little. I have felt this pain and anguish too, it’s pain nobody will quite understand unless they have experienced a loss. You’re not alone with this and I completely understand why you’d avoid leaving the house, I was the same for a fair while* . Honestly, you’re doing a great job. Ignore your PIL’s, they’re unsupportive twats.

I'm so sorry for you all, this made me cry also. I'm blessed that I've not experienced this but I'm so so sorry. Xx

The only thing is change myself if more time downstairs, and to make it more baby proof so you don't worry. But if your routine works for you and your family then great, they sounds very well looked after and loved.
I think you should be bloody proud of yourselves, after the loss you have just had I think even getting up in the mornings is a achievement, your FIL sounds vile, how dare he judge a grieving mother like that, I would tell him to shut his stupid gob next time he says anything, and if he doesn't show him the door.
I'm very sorry for your loss, you should be very proud of yourself for coping as well as you are, and putting those babies first. You are a amazing mother!

Point out you are grieving and raising twin toddlers. Ask if she remembers the difficulties when your husband was a toddler. Tell her to throw in twice that work and the loss of a child. If she's worried they are not stimulated enough suggest she takes them out sometimes to the park or something so you can get things done. Point out that less than two months after losing a child she is lucky your even out of bed.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. I agree with everyone who says your PIL sound like dicks. If you were my DIL I'd be incredibly proud of you, and I'd be stocking your freezer with food and running the hoover around if you wanted me to, and taking the kids out for an hour or so when you needed it. Not criticising you. Because that's what normal people would do for their recently bereaved child.

You've got twin toddlers and you're grieving a lost baby, too? What the fuck is wrong with them? I'd be showering you with medals every single time you get through a day in one piece.
I'm so sorry you lost your baby. flowers
Do
Not
Listen
To
Them

^^ this.

And those of you critiquing the OP and her daily routine - just stop it. Please. OP and her DH have just had a devastating loss, nothing they are doing is wrong at all, even if you’d prefer more outside or downstairs time.

OP, my massive condolences . Toddler twins are hard work, I think you’re doing a sterling job. If PILs reach out and apologise I think your DH should ask them what they will do to lighten the load as your priorities are your family, not dusting the skirting boards.

OP please make sure you are making some time for yourself and you and DH as a couple in all of this. Heaven knows how you can fit it it, but maybe your DM could baby sit for an evening so you can go for a walk and dinner with DH

OP please don't keep explaining yourself to people who clearly can't read. Your PIL should be supporting not criticising. It's very easy to walk in somewhere point out everything that is wrong and then say sorry these are all the problems but we don't have any time to help.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son you're coping a lot better than I would. Sending a big hug your way xx

Your twins sound happy, healthy, safe and loved. You are doing what you need to in order to recover from your heartbreaking loss, Not that I expect you'll ever recover, but I hope you know what I mean.
You are being supported by professionals and family. Your DH has your back.
You're working towards more social outings for yourself and the tots. And in the meantime you're getting out and about, lots of fresh air and the odd play date.
You're doing marvellously.

Your PIL should be thoroughly ashamed.

I cannot believe anyone would criticise their son and daughter in law in this situation. If they were coming from a genuine place, they could offer practical help and support. How distressing for you both at this difficult time.

You are doing a great job. Your twins are having their needs met and you have a good routine. Your sad loss is still very fresh and painful. It’s early days and you will learn to adapt. For now, you need to allow yourself to physically recover, as well as managing your grief. When things change, then you can begin to try new things such as; going out. Some days, taking one toddler out feels like a mission and obviously, that is far easier for me than you. Yours are still little. It’ll get easier to get out and about as they get a bit older. Don’t worry about them playing in their room. Mine always played in the lounge because it was safer and also, easier for me! It meant I could potter around and cook and clean the kitchen and it’s open plan. Your set up is only different due to the set up of your house. It’s not unusual to ensure your children are safe in one room, especially if their toys are in their room. Anyway, be kind to yourself. You answer to nobody. You, DH and your twins are all that matter right now.

The fact that you are getting through every day is plenty. Baby loss is a giant up and down and that you're managing get out of bed let alone to look after TWO children is a giant achievement
People on here saying you should get outside more - it's been what, 6 WEEKS for you since the loss? I would still be howling in bed as would most people
I'm going to link an Instagram account, she is two years since her stillbirth and still grieving but there are some helpful posts and links
https://instagram.com/stillaa_mama?igshid=dc82hzmgdp4q