DH and I have been told we aren’t doing enough - AWBU?

[NaviSprite]

Name changed as could be outing.

DH and I have twin toddlers at 19mo. They are a handful and a half to manage but we do our best. General day goes as follows:

8am Twins wake - we change nappies and clothes, give them water to drink and morning snack then let them play in their room together (room is secure with little to no risk of injuries)

9.30am Proper breakfast downstairs in high chairs. I either eat with them or read to them during this period.

10-11am play downstairs, a bit of Hey Duggee on the television if I’m feeling particularly knackered. Nappy changes and and when required for the rest of the day.

11am-3pm Bottles (for nutritional supplement). Then they take their one long nap of the day (they are still low weight following premature birth so sleep a heck of a lot. HV doesn’t think this is a concern). I use this time to do what housework I can during the week and DH chips in at the weekends. Usually I manage the most important jobs (clothes washing/drying, pots, sweeping and mopping floors, general cleaning of the areas they like to make as messy as possible haha)

3pm They wake. I take them another drink of water and snack in their room and get their dinner ready. If DH is home he will play with them in their room, if I’m alone I will alternate between sorting dinner and playing in their room.

4pm Dinner served. We eat together.

5pm - 7pm they play downstairs roaming about with toys on offer for them to choose from. Might have a bit of Tele on in the background. Water/Juice available as and when needed.

7pm Light snack

8pm Upstairs for bedtime routine. Asleep by 8.30/9pm and sleep through (generally) until morning.

Now here comes our AWBU - the above is our standard day at home. Things change a bit if the weather is nice and we can take them out of course (that’s like a military operation in of itself most times 😂). Today my PIL (DH’s parents of course) have visited and decided to tell us that we have no excuse for wires being in places DD and DS might grab them (we tidy them away as best we can and never leave them in the living room unattended) that the house is not as clean as it ought to be and we don’t do enough for the Twins to stimulate/exercise them.

When PIL visit the twins normal routine is often at the point where they’re winding down for the morning and due to go for their nap so they don’t SEE what we do for the rest of the day, nor do they think to ask. They just came straight down with their judgment of the situation.

To make matters worse, DH and I are currently grieving the loss of our third child, our second son, who was stillborn on the 25th of April this year. We are just about keeping our heads above water.

We have a lot of ongoing financial difficulties that we are just about managing but this adds stress too. Sometimes I have to leave the twins in their room a little longer than I would like so I can make some much needed phone calls and such....

It just feels like we’ve been told today that regardless of our “excuses” we need to do better... and we’re extremely upset by this. MIL cried when we defended our position because she didn’t think we’d react badly (we didn’t get aggressive we just didn’t appreciate their decision to say all this now!) and basically it’s left us feeling that we’re never good enough.

My mum and dad visit more regularly and they’ve never felt the need to judge our house and when I’m apologising for the mess (toys everywhere, pots not yet washed sometimes, or before I’ve been able to sweep up after a meal where half the contents were dropped on the floor etc.) they laugh and say don’t worry about it, it shows we have two very normal toddlers...

I guess I just want to know were we being unreasonable to be defensive as PIL said they only mentioned these things with their DC’s best interests at heart... or were they being unreasonable in their expectations of us?

Sorry for the long post - just feeling utterly exhausted at the moment and I fight my “mum guilt” a lot for already feeling like I should be able to do more for my lovely twins - so this has knocked my confidence and then some.

I'm so angry on your behalf. You've had a terrible time this year.
If they visit I'll just say. If you are that keen to help out during our time of need. Offer to light the load by criticising less and get cleaning, settle our bills and give us some time to grieve. Then get the fuck out of our house with your useless judgements.
Either help or leave us the hell alone.
How bloody insensitive

You have a wonderfully organised and structured day centred around your dcs and their needs. What a wonderful parent you are. I regret suggesting baby proofing the lounge in my earlier reply. I suggested it to help you not because I thought there was anything wrong with them playing jn their room.

They are lucky to have such dedicated parents. The in laws are bizarre and very wrong.

Navi I hope you know this by now, as you have had so many positive comments on this thread, but you are AMAZING.

Your PILs should not be criticising you, they should be supporting you. Not only do you have very young twins but you are grieving for the very recent loss of your son.

I also had twins, born very prematurely. One of my daughters died in the hospital. The other came home on oxygen. The NICU/SCBU ride is quite enough in itself. The oxygen is another whole issue when it comes to moving about or getting out to groups! Or integrating as people either avoid you or want to pity you. Also my neighbours were nice, yours sound horrible!

Looking back, I did isolate myself a bit but I just couldn't cope with all the lovely, happy first time mums, where nothing had gone wrong! I was just too bitter and sad. And that was fine actually. You need to protect yourself. I did take my daughter to groups when she was a bit older and I could handle social interaction a bit better. All in good time and when you are ready.

I know I haven't been in your position but my daughter's death did have an impact on my relationship with my subsequent children. It isn't always easy.

Please be very kind and gentle to yourself. You are doing a wonderful job, your children are safe, fed and loved. I found it took me a long time to get over the death of my daughter and also the whole NICU / SCBU experience. If your PILs are consistently unkind, please do just ditch them.

It is very hard when emotions are running very high, I fought more with very supportive and lovely parents and sister more than I had ever done in the wake of my daughter's death, but I knew that they were on my side in the long term. Can you say the same about your PILs? If they are usually allies and just said something stupid and awkward because they don't know what else to say, perhaps try to forgive them? If they are usually critical, get rid.

Please do enquire about accessing portage and any extra support you might be entitled to?

Sending you heaps of love and strength at this very difficult time and I'm so very, very sorry for the loss of your son.

My dear dear dear NaviSprite, I just want to give you a massive hug, and sit you down with a cup of tea ... and ask how I can help!

I wish I knew you in real life, I think a lot of posters are probably thinking the same.

I have one comment on all of your posts, one criticism really, and just like certain other people have said, my criticism is well meant... but unlike certain other people, my criticism won’t hurt you, I promise.

But I do want to give you a tiny ticking off!

You are not being kind enough to yourself

I think you know rationally that you are doing really well, and that, having just been through an awful loss, that you need to be letting it impact on your daily routine, because, you will break down if you try and carry on going like some kind of automaton not changing a thing whilst your heart is breaking inside... let alone your body, as what about the physical impact of going through all this?

So it’s actually a really Healthy Sign that you are modulating your routine to take into account how you are feeling right now, and what you are able to do and not do. That shows you are being in touch with your emotions and well, with the reality of you right now. Which won’t be forever. It’s about getting through the day and the nights right now, and that’s enough. Well, that’s your Herculean task is what I mean by ‘enough’.

Please be so, so proud of yourself for doing what you are doing right now.

You are being amazing

It would be amazing to be just surviving through the next 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or an hour. Just to get through it at all is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do, when you are lost in grief and shock and living through some of the darkest moments you’ll ever see in your life.

I know it’s hard when idiots are pecking round the edges demanding more of you, and being stupid fucking unfeeling idiots, but please hold on to the truth, that you are achieving more in what you are managing now, than those idiots will ever achieve.

But I think instead of giving yourself a medal for every minute you don’t break down,
inside you are holding yourself to some ridiculously impossibly high standard of ‘supreme mother of twins’ which was set by all those people who have never spent any time looking after twins!!! And that’s without adding a new house, and a lost baby so very few weeks ago.

So that’s my tiny telling off, that you are not realising how wonderful you are being, and you need to be just so kind and so very, very gentle with yourself right now.

And for many months more, give yourself a mental medal each time you do even the most basic of things, like... get any sleep, medal for you! get more than 3 hrs sleep, huge medal for you! Get out of bed, yup, that’ll be a medal for you.

That might sound kinda weird to someone who’s not experienced such a deep and traumatic loss, or to people with an inability to empathise.

I think that’s why some people react so badly to grief, like your awful PIL. They want to pretend it’s like a bout of flu, something that you get, and you go through and then it’s gone and you never speak of it again. Especially with baby’s I’m afraid, one or two generations ago that was the way people are told to behave, to minimise the loss, wipe it all away like nothing happened, and to ‘get back to normal’.

I think it’s extremely selfish & weak when other people try and pressure people who are grieving to ‘act normal’. Because it’s for themselves really, it’s for their own comfort and social ease. Ugh.

Anyway, I digress, it’s not your PIL who should be the focus, it’s you. And you, please be kind and gentle to yourself, and remind yourself how brilliant you are being every day.

good for your DH, I am glad you two are a team. His parents are awful.

Tell them too bloody well help you .

Sorry for your loss 😔

Your DC are fed and happy and thriving. You've done enough. Never mind what other people think or say.

I'm a bit astonished your MIL hasn't realised that, as the NOT mother of the mother (you), she doesn't get much of a say. Even if she were the mother of the mother, she still doesn't have a right to say whatever is on her mind.

As it is, she has a very skewed view of reality. It sounds like she was saying it to 'help' but, oh my, getting it so very badly wrong. Is she on the spectrum? That's not to say those on the spectrum can come out with humdingers like this as a matter of course though.

She sounds curiously protected in a way, otherwordly? Did/does she have staff?

Anyway, you're doing a wonderful job and, as a pp says, it's amazing you get out of bed in the morning and keep going with your lovely twins when your heart is broken. And you're not getting much sleep! Honestly, you're wonderful and magnificent and don't let any weirdos make you feel otherwise. You've enough to be getting on with without their weird shit

I am sorry for the loss of your baby.

This "problem" is pretty easy to solve however, stop inviting your PIL's over and/or giving them headspace.

Fuck em.

As one bereaved mother to another
You're doing great whilst going through hell.
Do not doubt yourself. You are a brave and loving mother. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I’m really sorry for your loss and OP you are doing great.

I know that you don’t want conflict, but if your husband wants to voice his disgust let him.

They need to learn that their disgusting behaviour was wrong and that they need to stay away for the time being. You both need time to heal and need support not criticism.

Please also talk to your grief counsellor about this, as they’ll be able to advise you appropriately.

Frankly, it's none of their damn business how tidy your house is, or how you do things, regardless of your circumstances. They sound like jerks. And I'm very sorry about the loss of your baby.

They sound bloody insensitive. You did right to tell them. They need a wake up call. You don’t tell a woman that’s just lost a baby that apart from the rest of your situation.

Sorry for your loss. You are DH ping a great job. Tell them to fuck off until they can be polite and kind.

I agree with all the PP about how amazingly you guys are doing and how unfair PIL are being but I also wanted to add that babies and toddlers are constantly learning and developing from watching and trying things themselves. They don't need to be played with and entertained all the time. Especially since there are two of them. My kids go to a proper Montessori nursery where there are very few toys and the staff allow the chilren space and time to work things out for themselves. It has been amazing for them.

If my DM or MIL came over (DF and FIL are both dead so it is not because they are women) and the house looked dirty or jobs needed doing and we were struggling, they would ask what they could do to help. That is what a parent does. When DF was alive his visits would entail fixing things around the house between cups of tea and chat.

Twins are exhausting. The loss of a child is devastating and your PIL should be looking for ways to to support you, not judge you.

I am so sorry for your loss

Well this is worrying - we're expecting our first and I can't see what at all is wrong with this as a basic daily plan! (Nevermind one that takes into account two recently bereaved parents - so sorry to hear that )

You feed them, read to them, spend a lot of the day playing with them, leave them to play with each other from time to time in a childproof room, take them out to the park, soft play, to the shops and into the garden when the weather's not terrible (and in line with medical advice) and they sleep well...

What are people suggesting you should be doing instead or as well? What am I missing?!

Is this attitude of your MIL's some sort of extension of the neurotic helicopter parenting that suggests children must never be left to their own relaxed, imaginative devices, but must be scheduled with 'enrichment' activities to within an inch of their lives?

Honestly, I'm completely missing what the fuss is about.

Do send your MIL round to tell me exactly what's wrong with this before I ruin our child (who won't even have a twin to play with!)

Hmm not sure why gin is showing up instead of flowers and a grin, but you may prefer it...!

If they were panting in a downstairs playground rather than their bedroom would people have such an issue?

The OP has explained that their bedroom is the best safe space to use for playing so it is just the same as playing in a playground while a parent is pottering about doing jobs.

It’s already been suggested but I would just tweak things slightly to prepare dinner and supper while they are napping so you don’t need to do it while they are awake. And make sure during their nap time you have a decent rest yourself rather than worrying about cleaning. Could you also use naptime to set up an activity for them to play afterwards? We got a table from Ikea that you can buy tubs for and I set up a different activity each day in it while toddler naps. Some days it’s something really simple like putting a farm book with a few animals in, other days I’m more creative. Having the activity in the table seems to encourage him to play more and because it’s something different everyday it keeps his interest.

Table and an example are below. If you look in Pinterest or Instagram there are lots of ideas of things to put in.

*playing in a downstairs playroom- damn autocorrect!

Ugh that generation are so high and mighty and judgmental when it comes to child rearing and their DCs fgs you are grieving. i think PILs like this have their own failings with their own kids and they project this onto you. Ignore and see them less. Do not take it to heart x

From a practical point of view I remember that when our twins were still taking a big nap in the day, options for going out were quite limited, as we had to be back at lunchtime for their nap. If you had a singleton it might be possible to have them nap in your arms, or jolly them along if they miss a nap and get overtired, but managing twin toddler naps is a whole other ballgame and it's almost never worth missing that nap. Once they drop that there'll be more to do. I relied a lot on the local children's centres, because they have an outdoor space with a controlled entrance - because one of my kids was a runner, we couldn't even go to Rhyme Time at the library because it was one of those funky modern ones with barrier-free access all the way through and DD had a free fun all the way to the main road.

Aside from that, your PILs are total dicks. I mean, total. It would be a bit crap of them if you were just dealing with the twins, but with a recent stillbirth - if they were so concerned about your DTs there's a million things they could do to help, but they're not interested in helping, they're interested in kicking you when you're down for some reason. Learn to expect this from them. And bear it in mind if they ever come to you asking for help.

I wish people would rtft-op states its the safest room shes in there with them most of the time

And your pil are awful passingjudgement but dont have the time to help you out-tell them to bog off-you havent created a rift they have

I will say one thing in sort of mitigation of the MIL's attitude but it rather depends on how old she is.

My mother lost a baby in the 1970s and the prevailing attitude from professionals then was "oh well, never mind, try again as soon as you can to get over it".
There was very much a "sweep it away" attitude, get over it, move on etc.

It was extremely unhealthy and it left my mother with a level of trauma that she never really got over. Especially the exceptionally dim Sister who came into her room after her baby had died (shortly after birth) at "feeding time" and asked why mum wasn't feeding her baby - Mum had to tell her that her baby had died. No apology, the woman just humphed and left the room.

So if your MIL is from that sort of background the that may go some way to eplain her attitude - but it still doesn't excuse it.
It's been long enough since the 1970s that people should have learnt better by now.

Ugh that generation are so high and mighty and judgmental when it comes to child rearing

Erm, I don't think op has said what generation they are from? Plus it's a bit of a broad brush to say the entire generation, whichever that is, is judgemental etc.

What this is is two people who simply don't have a clue, regardless of age and generation, and have been outrageously inappropriate. You find people like that in every generation.

Hope you're feeling better op.

It was the 1977 when my son was stillborn. Nobody I know of my age would ever condone this kind of insensitivity. We knew it was horrific then.